Blue

Tonight I had one of what im sure will be a lifetime of heartstopping moments.  While giving Dillon his colic medication he choked and within seconds started turning blue. Everything stopped I couldn't hear or see anything but Dillon. In the middle of Dodger stadium time stood still.  Luckily we knew what to do and reacted quickly.  Hearing and seeing him screaming again and his color coming back was such a huge relief. . . In the moment I was fine but after the adrenaline wore off and the nerves took over. It took all of me not to completely fall apart. Holding him knowing he was ok but also how bad that could have been. On mother's day we were walking behind a toddler who began to choke and again those parents acted quickly but I stood with them until the little one was ok to help in any way and felt panicked waiting for that little one to breath normally again. Today was that feeling multiplied by 10. I know this was small but it still scared the living daylight out of me. I Love this little man with my whole being and am sure he will give us many more scares in various ways but I have an amazing support system and know together we will make sure he is fine and safe while still having fun.

Unplugged

I love to disconnect lately.  I find myself losing my phone a lot because I put it down and dont think about it for a few hours and then forget where I put it. The only time I really keep it on me now is when Dean or someone else has Dillon for a bit so I can try to get something done, when I am out and about driving just for safety, or to take a picture of my little man (even then most of my pictures are from someone else and sent to me including all the pictures on this blog post) I used to be so attached to my phone but now it can wait the snuggles and play time with my monster are so much more important. 
I also feel so free not having to have it on me 24/7. I can remember when my grandma was sick feeling like I couldnt look away from my phone just in case something happened, the same way again when my dad was sick I couldn't put it down incase there was an update then when my dad finally came home just not even wanting to look at my phone because I DIDNT HAVE TO carry it; he was home, heathly, and safe. After my grandma passed I didnt want to look at my phone either but because it was a reminder that I would no longer be getting updates from the hospital or my family. Than when I was at the end of my pregnancy I couldn't do much and was pretty much stuck on the couch or in bed (I was told it was only because I was 36+ weeks pregnant but found out it was the infection/pneumonia making me so weak and winded) so there was nothing better to do but constantly be on my phone. Then the last few weeks I had my phone all the time just in case I went into labor. Now it is so freeing to unplug and enjoy my little family and take in every second with Dillon because he will never be this small again and every day he changes.
I didn't realize how much time I spent on my phone until I am able to now walk away. Yes I dont upload pictures when they are taken, I dont immediately reply to text messages,  and I miss calls but its so worth it.

PCOS

It looks like my journey with PCOS is not over. One of my doctors had hoped the pregnancy would correct my hormones but 10 weeks post partum and its back and as bad if not worse than before.
I started treatment yesterday for it and am praying it helps. Its frustrating when I really just want to enjoy my baby but feel like my body hates me.
I feel this is just one way that I can help others though, by spreading awareness and talking about my trials and successes with PCOS.
Its funny because when I was finally diagnosed with PCOS we had been trying almost two years to conceive and the hope of a medication allowing me to have a baby was all that mattered. I didnt really research the illness just researched my options to become a mommy and what PCOS would do during pregnancy. Now I am finally learning about this chronic illness that affects me. Learning that things that have bothered me that I never thought were a symptom actually are caused by PCOS.
I have also learned how severe my PCOS had gotten. It was left undiagnosed for so long it just continued to escalate but now I have answers and options.
Together woman of PCOS can help eachother fight this, feel better, and find treatments.
Here we go. . .

Momsomnia

For years I have struggles with insomnia, not sleeping at all if I didnt take over the counter medication or taking at least three hours to fall asleep if I took over the counter medication. I also had to take prescription sleeping pills after not sleeping for 5-6 days in a row off and on. I remember dreading bedtime because I would just lay there frustrated I couldn't sleep. (I found out recently that is actually one of them many symptoms of pcos.)
While pregnant I didnt sleep well like most pregnant woman but didnt want to take sleeping medication just to be safe which is when I discovered essential oils.  I would put some lavender on my feet and the back of my neck and would sleep so well and fall asleep within an hour. It was amazing compared to any pill I had taken.
Now I laugh. . . The second I lay down I am sound asleep.  I say my prayers before bed and in the morning but have of my prayers before bed I fall asleep before finishing because I am that tired. Half tbe time i wake up for Dillon's middle of the night feeding to find out we never even turned off our bed side lights and wonder if we finished out pillow talk and who fell asleep first lol. Even in the middle of the night after feeding, burping, and carefully laying dillon back in his crib I immediately fall back asleep. Its amazing! Maybe the sleepless night have even more advantages :)

I, as I am sure many mommies, love the middle of the night feedings. Its a time to bond even more with my little man and snuggle him close while he falls back asleep. I know I wont get to do this forever or honestly for very long so I take advantage of it and enjoy it while I can. Granted some nights are harder than others and after 4am I seem to have a harder time waking up but for my little man it is all worth it and as I recently discovered has helped with my insomnia!

Bad Mom?

I knew that many people judge moms or really parents on their various ways of parenting but I don't think I ever could have prepared myself for how much judgement I would receive. It's crazy how many times a day I am asked if I really do something or why I don't do something. . . No I do not follow every single thing that SHOULD or SHOULDN'T be done according to many "parenting experts" but then again which one would I even follow because everyone claims to know what is right but they all contradict eachother and quite honestly change constantly. I remember being pregnant and all the differences of what you should or shouldn't do compared to when my mom was pregnant or even a friend who just had her baby 3 years ago; for example: I was told to not sleep on my back only on your side when they were told to sleep on their backs or how they said not to eat sandwich meat. . . I could continue but what my point is, is that now having the baby here it is even more intense!
I think the most shocking is when my friend moms are critiquing my parenting, I just sit there smiling knowing that their are things they are doing with their newborn/child that I do not agree with but I keep my mouth shut and support them because It is their child and their choice and as mommies we should have eachothers backs not judge and belittle eachother.
I have found myself not posting certain pictures because I know they will bring so much critique and especially when I am having a bad day I don't want to be put down. In the first few weeks home EVERY picture I posted and I am not exaggerating it was EVERY picture some one would comment on what I was doing wrong or what I should be doing. It seriously makes you feel like a bad mom especially since I was a first time mom to be told everything I was doing was wrong was not helping at all and was definitely worse with my postpartum depression already causing issues. Now I would totally understand if the person is recognizing a potential risk to the baby (like the carseat not being buckled right) but most of the comments were not and were just stupid little things that honestly did not matter and I don't think they needed to be said. But I realize this is just part of life people "help" eachother but I was shocked by the amount of "help" I was being given.
I am not like many first time moms who does everything by the books tip toes around my baby and makes sure everything is perfectly sanitized and extremely clean, I have baby sat so much and been around so many babies over my life time and I really try to be relaxed and know that their is no one way to parent every newborn.
So here it goes, here is a list of ways I am a BAD MOM. I will not let other peoples judgement make me feel bad anymore or stop me from sharing pictures (If I am listing it i have been lectured about it)
1. Second hand clothing- Many people cannot believe I would put my baby in used clothing. . .     Babies grow so fast I personally do not want to waste the money on the same clothing that is 10 times as much just because it hasnt been worn. I love second hand clothing normally it is more unique and costs anywhere from 25 cents to $3! We spent under $10 for all 5 of these outfits TOGETHER!!

Second hand shopping has also helped me with other baby items for example finding the swing that Dillon would actually like took buys 7 swings and for all 7 we spent under $75! Or buying my dream diaper bag a Petunia Pickle Bottom for $30, three Ergo Carriers for less than $80 all together, and Auntie Sarah buying him a bounce house!! Yes they are used but they are in amazing condition and we love them! Plus I always double wash everything to make sure it is clean.

2. Pacifiers- So many people are against pacifiers but Dillon Loves his pacifiers and they help to sooth him and keep mommy and daddy sane :)

3. Formula feeding- I never had the opportunity to breastfeed, my milk never came in. I tried for the first 18 hours then was transferred to CICU where I pumped and disposed of the colostrum because I could not allow him to have any with my infection. Even with that my milk never came in and I am completely fine with that! I Love that other people can feed him and I do not feel like I am any less of a mom or that I do not have a strong of a bond because I was not able to. But even with this people still talk to me about how he is missing out or make the comments about how that is to bad for him and maybe I can try harder next time (seriously like I didn't try hard enough!)
4. Stay at home mom- Yep I am staying home with my baby and that is something Dean and I have discussed and feel we want for our children! I believed each family has to make their decission on this issue and no one is right and no one is wrong it is just what is best for their family
5. Holding Him- Yes my little man many people call spoiled because he is held A LOT but that is a choice we have made and we love to bond with him! We will not be able to hold him forever and I am going to treasure every chance I get! Plus with him having Colic he soothes so much better when we hold him and has such a better day if he is held more. So again for our sanity and for our bond we choose to hold him and snuggle him as much as possible!
6. Sleeping in our bed- Yes he does get to sleep in mommies and daddies bed off and on. When we are having a really bad day or a really bad night we snuggle with momma and daddy. Normally he comes into our bed after the 4am feeding to be able to get a little more sleep and I LOVE IT!
7. Posting pictures- Posting too many, not posting enough, not posting the right ones, and posting them to a public site.
8. Being around the dogs/cats or other animals- I would never leave him alone with my animals even though I trust each of them so much but I do have them around him a lot and I love how much they adore him and how much he already adores them.

9. Taking him out - especially in the begining, Yes I did take him out quite a bit but i had also been trapped in a hospital for almost a week (6 days) and was dealing with postpartum depression and new I needed to get out and be in the summer air socializing in order to hopefully feel better! So many times I heard how "your out and about already" Yep we are and he loved being out he loves the outdoors even today and loves watching the trees and feeling the breeze! It didnt hurt him and we loved all the memories.
10.  Sanitizing Bottles/Pacifiers- Not going to lie in the beginning I tried really hard but then I realized how much of a waste it was. This reminds me of that commercial where the first time mom drops a pacifier and has to sanitize it before giving it back and the second time mom drops the pacifier and then sticks it in her mouth to clean it and gives it back to the baby. Yes I do wash it if it falls and use the pacifier wipes but I don't wait to sanitize it to give it back and yes I still will sanitize bottle nipples about once a week but not after every use.
11. Sleeping No No's- We all know that you shouldn't use bumpers, back is best, and no blankets/stuffed animals when the baby is asleep but that is one of the things that changed over the years it used to be you had to use bumpers and stomach was best. A majority of the time my little one sleeps on his back but their is the occasions where he sleeps on his side or if he is napping right next to me he will sleep on his stomach if that pacifies him. I also use blankets on occasion, it comforts him but I tuck them in below his waist and into the crib so that he cannot pull them over his head or suffocate in anyway and I watch him to make sure!
12. Non-formula food- This is the one that triggered this blog, I took two months pictures today but found myself not wanting to post these because I KNEW it would bring so much criticism then I realized I AM HIS MOM no one elses opinions (Except his dads and doctors) matters! So while we were taking the picture of him with his 2 month cake he quickly smacked the cake with him hand and then the face was amazing as he moved his little fingers through the frosting and played with it. It only got better when he flung his hand and frosting got on his face he was so confused what was on his face. Yes we try to stick to just formula but on occasion we will give him the smallest and I mean tiny taste of something sweet. For example, a little bit of ice cream or a small taste of the frosting! We love it and it is so small we feel comfortable sharing.

So here are the rest of his 2 month pictures!!

This does not make me a bad mom this makes me HIS mom!