Allergies

it’s been a rough couple of months with Dillon. He has been having massive tantrums and started waking up to night terrors multiple times a night. It has been so challenging and I had no idea what was setting it all off. I started thinking about when they started and realized it was around the same time he started taking Zyrtec daily. We decided to try to wean him off of it and see what happened. Today is day 5 without it and I cannot believe the change. He hasn’t woken up the last 4 nights and he is already much more patient, relaxed, and loving. He’s still three and tests limits and has mild meltdowns but NOTHING compared to what was going on. It got to the point that I was afraid to go anywhere alone not knowing what was going to set him off and I was concerned about what was going on but to see this sweet boy back makes my momma heart happy and seriously there are moments when he has asked to snuggle or to hold mason that bring tears to my eyes because a week ago neither would have happened

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year

It’s hard to believe this was a year ago.

A year ago I seriously didn’t know how I was going to make it through each day and everyday seemed to drag on. I would wake up before Dillon, get a huge thing of water and snacks to make sure I stayed hydrated, get ready, drive to the hospital and sit with Dean waiting to see each doctor and get updates, then would drive home to play with Dillon for a few hours before he had to go to bed. I seriously couldn’t have done it without my parents and family constantly being there and taking over with Dillon and bring Dillon to visit when he was allowed too

but it was so exhausting physically being 9 months pregnant and driving back and forth and emotionally being torn between being with Dillon at home and being with Dean at the hospital. I seriously felt like it wasn’t going to end. Dean was exactly 30 days  post op when he woke me up because he was throwing up blood and we rushed to the ER.

The ER didn’t waste time and immediately got him a bed and through I don’t even know how many tests. It was the longest 3 days and I remember the panic and heart break like it happened yesterday. Just when I was feeling “safe” after his cancer diagnosis this happened and I once again was faced with the thought of losing my husband, not knowing how I would tell the boys, and the fear of raising the boys without Dean. Thankfully the bleeding stopped and they were able to send us home to all be together. I remember being relieved to be home and yet so scared. Every time he coughed I held my breath worried he would start bleeding again and at night I set alarms to make sure he was ok throughout the night. It was nice to have him home but we were also preparing for him to go into quarantine in just 3 short weeks. From October 13th to December 11th of 2017 I pretty much held my breath unsure of what would happen next just trying to keep life as normal as possible for Dillon and not let him feel our stress or worry. It was the longest three months of my life and I hope to NEVER repeat it. It seems like it was just yesterday and I still don’t know how we went through everything and know we never could have done it without my amazing family!
Then on December 12th we went to what wound up being my last dr appt as we were sent directly to the hospital to have a csection because of preeclampsia. It was one of the best days of my life and felt like it was Gods way of saying you made it, it’s all over, you are safe and now can enjoy this beautiful new life. Mason  was the rainbow after that terrible storm and I was so happy Dean was able to be there for his birth and that we were all healthy and together as a family of four to celebrate.

2018 has been a much better year full of family and making memories because 2017 made me realize how precious time is and how you never know what can happen in the blink of an eye. I will never forget last year but have chosen to use it as a blessing and eye opener to see what is truly important and remember to enjoy every minute, even the rough days. 

1 year

Dean had his one year scans and the results were pretty good but not exactly what we were hoping for. On his first follow up scans there was one enlarged lymph node that they weren’t sure if it was enlarged due to treatment or possibly cancerous so they decided to watch it. This scan the lymph node has grown not significantly but bigger. It’s still not definite that it’s cancer but they are a bit more concerned. Since it’s shape and size are still within “standards” they want to wait for the next set of scans before repeating treatment.
The positive is it doesn’t mean it is cancer and if it is it’s not that the cancer has returned it’s just that they didn’t get it all the first time which they explained could happen. But it still wasn’t the all clear we were hoping for and the idea of treatment again isn’t really something we wanted to hear. It also means we can’t begin the 10 year countdown. Once he has 10 years of clean scans it means his risk of getting cancer is the same as anyone else’s. It has taken me a little while to post this because I wanted to really digest it and be ok with it before posting. In all honesty waiting a couple months for more scans scares me because what could happen in that time but it hasn’t been fast growing to this point and I need to trust his doctors and also put this in God’s hands knowing he has a plan. Treatment is something else I’m just not ready for and not looking forward to in any way so I’m continuing to pray he won’t need it but I realize we have survived it once so we will get through it again, the quarantine just isn’t fun and I know it will be hard on the boys.
So overall good news we were just hoping to start marking off the years and hearing it was all clear. God has a plan and is there for us through everything we just need to trust in him and put this in his hands.

Slowing down

Some days are rough Mason will be extra fussy and won’t sleep or Dillon will figure out how to push every single one of my buttons and acts like he is trying to get in trouble and some days they both act up all day. But then there are the days when everything just flows and works.  Today we made a tissue paper turkey craft, banana muffins(Dillon made them almost completely on his own I just measured the ingredients and took them in and out of the oven) and now we are enjoying lunch. 

I asked Dillon if he liked his lunch and he said yea it’s really good thank you momma 

It seriously just made my day! He is so sweet and caring but sometimes life gets hectic and well he is 3 and still testing limits but I’m trying to slow down let him help even if it means a mess and enjoy our days and moments! 

Thanking God

Update on Dean:
These past few weeks Dean has had some weird symptoms of thyroid issues so we reached out to his Doctor who agreed something wasn't right and ordered tests.
Thursday afternoon we got the results of the first tests and to be honest they scared me. His TSH level was extremely elevated (should be below 3 and was 34). This meant one of two things: 1) his medication dosage just isnt high enough 2) his cancer came back. We again reached out to his doctor, hoping for so reassurance that it was just medication, and asked if this was a reason to be concerned the cancer was in fact back. Friday morning he responded that he had already ran further tests to see if in fact the cancer was back but to up his medicine dose in the mean time and we should have results in the next few weeks. This was not the answer i was hoping for but we took a deep breath, prayed, and knew God would get us through whatever it was.
This evening we heard from his doctor, his thyroidglobulin levels are down from 27 when he had cancer to 1 point something!! So his doctor believes it is just that his medication dose was too low. THANK GOD
He will take the higher dose for 6 weeks and then retest, if all is good then he will retest in April and do a ultrasound just to be sure there is nothing suspicious.
He is still waiting to schedule his follow up brochoscopy and hopefully that will all be good results as well.
Its still weird to me to think Dean had cancer and its moments like these that are reminders. I think why it doesnt seem real is because we had so much going on and had no choice but to face it and move forward. We also went into the surgery thinking it wasnt cancer than were shocked to find out it was but the main treatment (surgery) was over so we didnt have time to sit and worry about options or stages or if it had spread, that part was over and he just had to heal. So it really all seems surreal and like he just had surgery, its when we have to do follow up checks and testing that we both really realize he had cancer.
We are so thankful it was caught and treated and that so far it looks like the treatment worked. We are still praying it us just a doage issue but are choosing to not worry and trust in God's plan.

Different yet alike

I can't believe how different and yet how alike both my boys are. The older Mason gets the more they look alike but their personalities are completely different and how they were/are as babies is completely different.

Dillon formula fed

Mason breastfed

Dillon constantly spit up

Mason rarely spits up

Dillon always had fists and arched his back

Mason is very relaxed (except for a few hours of fussing)

Dillon hated his carseat

Mason doesnt mind it (except at night)

Dillon slept in his crib from night one

Mason refuses the crib

Dillon could be comforted by various people
Mason wants momma
Dillon refused pacifiers
Mason loves his wubbanub
Dillon hated to be swaddled or wrapped up
Mason loves being wrapped in a blanket
Dillon had blonde hair
Mason has brown/red hair

They both do love baths and their baths bring them comfort

They both lost the hair on the top of their heads and look/looked like little old men

I always thought Dillon grew so quickly and was always at the top of the growth chart because he was formula fed but now with Mason I realize we just have big kids because Mason is following right in Dillons footsteps with growth even being breastfed

Mom life

Having a newborn isn't easy, having a toddler and a newborn is no joke. Some days I feel like I'm drowning and so overwhelmed and other days (like today) are exactly how I thought having two boys would be. 

Today Mason is 5 weeks old and I'm colmpletely back to being able to do everything with out worrying about my incision. 

We don't get much sleep and the boys I swear are teamed up together to take turns sleeping so I don't get sleep but it's ok because they are worth it and it gives me time with each of them alone while the other is sleeping. 

For the most part Dillon has done amazing if anything he loves his brother too much and doesn't want to keep his hands off of him. He definitely was expecting Mason to be born older and already ready to play but he is enjoying the fact that Mason is already more alert. I love how every morning the first thing Dillon does is ask where "Masey Bear" is and goes over gives him a kiss and in the cutest voice says I love you and when we're driving and Mason is mad about the car seat Dillon tells him it's ok were almost there lol so cute. But don't get me wrong sometimes his jealousy shows and tantrums are a new occurrence with him but he's already getting better and we know this is such a huge change for him as well. The hardest part is explaining to him why momma has to feed him especially with how much Mason eats, if it's been a rough day Dillon insists Mason isn't hungry and eo3snt need to eat lol. Dillons loves taking baths with Mason but his favorite thing to do is grab my nursing pillow and hold Mason on his lap. Dillon is definitely happy momma can pick him up again and we are getting out of the house more which he loves. We are trying to plan special outings with Dillon to make the transition smoother and help us all get some fresh air and have fun. 

Mason is growing like crazy and eating nonstop. He has his fussy hours at night which isn't easy especially nights before Dean works because then I am up all night with Mason and up early with Dillon but some nights he is just awake and not fussy which is so much more fun (obviously). He is starting to coo and play more on his mat or in the bath and his vision is getting stronger so he actually likes to look around and watch the soothers. 

Dean started back to both jobs this week which is definitely a bigger challenge it means 3 12 hr shifts and 2 8-10 hr shifts but he loves his jobs and it allows me to stay home with the boys. 

Some days are hard especially if Dillon had a rough night, some days we don't get out of pajamas and nothing gets done, but other days make up for it with adventures and days full of playing. Some days I'm so tired I feel like I could collapse but other days I get a little more sleep and can actually be productive. I don't know the last time I did my hair and showers are usually short because either Mason is hungry or Dillon wants momma. Meals are eaten with one hand and eaten as fast as i can,  most of my days are spent feeding Mason and playing with Dillon at the same time, and we have had to cancel plans due to a fussy baby (thank you to my family for taking Dillon so he doesn't have to miss out), and take 5 times as long to do anything between stopping to breastfeed and just trying to get out of the house but all of this chaos is worth it because my heart has never been so full. I worried how I would have enough love for both of them but somehow I seem to love them both even more.  I feel so blessed to be their momma and am so excited for the months and years to come. Even though the nights are long and some days are rough I wouldn't change it for the world because I have been so incredibly blessed by these little boys. 

Breastfeeding

With Dillon I was not allowed to breastfeed, between the infection, 7 different antibiotics, and my milk not coming in I had no choice but to formula feed which I didn't mind, fed is best and he was happy and gaining weight. But I wondered if I would ever be able to breastfeed because my mom's milk never came in on time and since my milk didnt come in with Dillon I was told it could be hereditary.
With Mason I was determined to try and bought everything I could so I would be prepared. With Dillon I was able to give him colostrum for the first 12 hrs until my infection started and he had a GREAT latch and immediately found it when placed on my chest he was an easy Breastfeeder. With Mason I just thought it would go the same but it didn't. He didn't try to find the breast so I would have to wake him up and try to get him to latch then he had a tongue tie and wouldn't latch right which caused pain. Luckily his tongue tie has stretched, his latch is great, and there is no more pain but it still is harder than I expected.
I GIVE ALL BREASTFEEDING MOMS MAD CREDIT!!
Mason eats roughly every hour and a half to two hours if I'm lucky (sometimes it's every 45 mins to an hour). I seriously feed ALL day unless I pump and then take a break by giving him pumped milk from a bottle. Luckily he has no problem with nipple confusion. I didn't realize how much breast feeding takes, it's not like a bottle fed baby that rests in between feeds and goes 3-4 hrs easy in between feeds and you can't really take a break unless you pump but then you are attached to a pump for at least 10 mins. You really don't get a break when you choose to breastfeed.
They also a rent kidding when they say baby can smell you, sometimes it's so hard for me to calm him because he can smell me and thinks he should be eating if he is with me. So its challenging to only be able to calm him by feeding him.
Then comes all the questions with breastfeeding, can I take this medicine or use this oil while breastfeeding? Is he getting enough? Is he still hungry or just fussy? Is he gassy from something I ate? How is he still eating (some days I have fed 3 hrs straight)?  With formula most of these arent issues.
Then comes all the changes with your breasts. I didn't realize how easily they get engorged and how painful It really is. If Mason goes over 3 hrs (usually when we supplement with formula) and I haven't pumped OMG I'm dying. I never expected that, i have heard of the cracking and bleeding but never heard about the pain and how often you get engorged.
But through all of this I'm not complaining more just saying how I was unaware just how hard it is to breastfeed and truly understand why they say nursing mom's are superheroes. Especially with the fact that breastfeeding is also very exhausting emotionally and physically. I totally believe now that you burn on average 500 calories while breastfeeding because it literally drains you.
But I'm proud to say I'm still breastfeeding even though we have started supplementing at night because he just isn't getting satisfied with my milk at night but that's ok again FED IS BEST.
Also I'm not saying formula feeding is easy it comes with it's own set of demands and challenges.
FED IS BEST. And being a parent of a newborn is hard, exhausting, and challenging no matter what is best for each baby.
I have considered giving up a handful of times but with it being cold and flu season I know breastfeeding is a major plus and I feel like this is something I never expected to be able to do so just giving up isn't an option because I feel lucky I have the chance to breast feed. Will we make it a year probably not but we have made it four weeks and I'm going to take it day by day and hopefully make it at least 2 months and see from there. This hasn't been easy but it's worth it.