Dean and I were excited and surprised to find out we were pregnant on November 11, 2019. I was terrified after the ectopic pregnancy but knew my doctors were going to start monitoring early. I called my doctors office and they ordered my blood tests to be done every 48 hours for 2 weeks and a ultrasound. I asked if I should start the medication I was on with the boys to help reduce my odds of a miscarriage but she said no let's wait to see my levels and go from there.
I made shirts for the boys to announce the pregnancy to my family and immediately told them all knowing no matter what I would need their help and support between the testing and chance of another ectopic/miscarriage.
The first two HCG tests showed amazing potential and a rise of 101% (anything above a 50% rise is considered a viable pregnancy), 65.1 to 131.1. I was ecstatic and immediately started getting my hopes up,
**this one would be different we were going to have our rainbow baby.**
The next two still had a rise but not as significant 131 to 273, over a 100% rise but over 72 hours not 48 hours, but still positive the pregnancy was looking great.
Then we went from 273 to 452 (65% increase) still good but I started questioning why is the rise not remaining as significant as in the beginning. I stayed positive but started to worry. I also had an ultrasound this day and even though we knew we were probably too early we were hoping to be able to place it in the uterus not the tubes. But as expected they couldn't find anything
**Stay positive stay positive **
The next test is when everything started to change. That morning I had some spotting but tried to convince myself it could be normal, I went to the lab for my blood draw then took the boys to Disneyland since I had been promising them for a few days. While on the tram my blood test results posted. I questioned if I should open them but told myself waiting for the results would be harder than not knowing. My heart sunk, they went from 452 to 616 a 36% increase, that plus the spotting.
**don't cry in the middle of Disneyland, there is nothing you can do just breathe just breathe**
At first I was mad at myself did I just ruin this fun Disney day by opening those results, no I would not let that happen. Then I realized it was a good thing as we rode rides and explored Disneyland it kept me distracted and watching the boys have a blast and light up with everything they saw or did made the pain a little less. Disneyland will hold a different memory for me now but it will also be my happy place and my place of healing and letting go if even just for a few hours. I called my doctor while waiting in line for the our first ride and she recommended we do a progesterone test, which I don't understand why they didn't do that from the beginning, that is what the medication I requested to start in the beginning helps maintain to support a pregnancy. That made it a little harder,
**could this all have been avoided**
I went back to the lab. Normal progesterone is between 11 and 90 for a pregnancy, below 5 is not considered viable I was at 1.8. I knew our dreams for this baby were being crushed and we were not meeting our rainbow baby but now I had to pray it wasn't ectopic and I didn't lose my other tube. My doctor started me on the highest dose of progesterone as a last ditch effort to save the pregnancy but unfortunately the bleeding just got worse and I knew something was wrong.
Sunday morning I went in for another blood draw and we had gone from 616 to 745 a 21% increase the progesterone wasn't working I was scheduled to meet with my doctor monday morning to once again try to place the pregnancy and discuss my options.
**just be prepared and know what you want, there is nothing else you can do**
Monday morning was horrible the drive to the doctors, them not collecting the normal ob intake copay, and ushering me into a room due to my "current situation". They did the ultrasound and my doctor said there was no sign of the pregnancy in the uterus she wanted me to go do one more blood draw and return to her office in 30 mins to discuss starting methotrexate if my numbers were not dropping.
**dear God please don't let this be ectopic**
I explained to her I was breastfeeding, which would mean cold turkey weaning Mason if I took that medication and how it would be hard for me to be not only losing the pregnancy, but having the side effects of methotrexate, being told I could no longer nurse/comfort Mason, and also have him screaming at me all day and night begging to nurse. She said I'm sorry but you don't have another choice it's looking like this is ectopic since it's not in the uterus which means you could bleed out and lose your last remaining tube. I started crying, she told me to go do the blood draw and we would meet back in an hour and pray my numbers were dropping and that my body was naturally miscarrying.
**I mentally cannot go through this again, I am not ready**
I went to the lab where at this point most of the phlebotomist and receptionist know me and balled my eyes out, they tried to comfort me and get me through quickly which helped but it was horrible just waiting wondering what these next few days/weeks would hold. Do I go against the doctors advice and wait until they can locate the pregnancy then do surgery but risk internal bleeding and losing my only fallopian tube which could take weeks or do I do the medication which lowers my chance of a rupture but also isn't guaranteed and means losing the pregnancy and no longer nursing Mason.
*I can't do this*
We went back with the doctor and she walked in and said we could wait and do another ultrasound but I needed to understand the risk and I knew I couldn't risk my life and leaving Dillon and Mason without a mother. So as much as I didn't want to take the medication I knew it was the best option for the boys no matter how hard it would be. I asked her how we proceeded with methotrexate, how quickly it could be done, and how many days we had to not nurse after the medication. She looked into breastfeeding and at the dose it would only be 4 days, ok not going to be easy but much better than the 30 days I was told with the ectopic when they didn't check into dosage 🤦♀️. She said since it's a chemotherapy medication I needed to go to a heart and lung surgery center but it could be scheduled in the next few days. We started all the paper work and I sat there praying I was making the right decision, praying the hcg was dropping, and praying it wasn't ectopic.
As we were almost done my labs came in they had dropped, significantly! from 745 to 344! She said at that point we didn't need the medication and just had to continue to monitor as long as it continued to drop significantly I should be fine but I needed to be aware of any changes as there was still a chance it was ectopic and could rupture. I was so relieved I started crying, again, and thanking God that he was answering my prayers and not making me make that decision.
*I never thought I would be excited for my hcg to drop but at this point the pregnancy had ended my body just needed to realize that*
This miscarriage was harder for me than the ectopic, I had so much hope this time because everything looked promising in the beginning where my ectopic i didn't even know I was pregnant until I had already been bleeding for over a week, I knew there was barely any chance for the July pregnancy to be viable but this one I knew could be viable. Plus, Dean and I agreed with any pregnancy after our ectopic in July we would tell the boys because we wanted to celebrate our babies even if only for a short time, but this also meant telling Dillon the baby wouldn't be coming home with us.
When we found out it wasn't viable I didn't automatically lose the pregnancy I have had to wait and watch my numbers decrease slowly, watch for any signs of a rupture, and still have some pregnancy symptoms while waiting for my body to realize I was no longer pregnant. where with the ectopic the moment they found it they rushed me into surgery and even though I had to recover from surgery the pregnancy was over and I didn't have to continue to wait I didn't have to watch my numbers or worry about rupture it was over I could focus on healing.
I also didn't realize how much the ectopic affected me until I was pregnant. I found myself holding back on things I would have done without a second thought during the boys pregnancies. For example, I didn't write my doctors appointment on the calendar because I knew if I lost the pregnancy it would be too hard to look at so i wrote them all on a paper that was easy to throw away. I also didn't want to take the weekly bump pictures because seeing those would be a reminder of what I lost. And my ultrasound, going into the same room I had gone into multiple times with the ectopic pregnancy staring at the ceiling when they couldn't give me an update of what they did or didn't find, waiting to find out if it was or wasn't in the uterus it killed me.
This miscarriage was hard, it still is hard. I'm taking it one day at a time and Thanking God for my two healthy little boys keeping me busy.
I keep catching myself wondering If i would have pushed harder for that medication would i still be pregnant would that baby be joining us in July completing our family but I know I cant do that, I cant do the what ifs, I need to breathe, I need to move forward.
Dean and I definitely want to keep trying to have one more baby, we both feel like we are meant to have one more, but I don't know when that will be. We have to wait a few months to let my body heal and then I mentally need to prepare to be pregnant again. I also know I will push harder to have my progesterone checked and to be on that medication.
Pregnancy after loss is hard and I know next time it will be harder but I know God is stronger than any of these hardships and will get us through anything we are faced with.
