Devotional

You’ve struggled mightily to do what others have done effortlessly—or even by accident. 

You are worn out. You simply don’t know how much more you can take.

Jesus knew life was hard. He knew there would be times when you’ve done all you can do and you just need a break. Perhaps it means taking a break from treatment for a month. Maybe it means spending time with your spouse when conception would be impossible and falling in love all over again. Or maybe the most refreshing thing you could do would be to devote time to Jesus and let Him strengthen, encourage, and revive you.

This could not be more on point with my life currently. 

Busser Family of 3

When Dean and I made the choice to have a baby we never thought it would take us 2 years to finally see a positive pregnancy test, but the wait was definitely worth it now that we have our amazing little man.  Fast forward and here we are a year into trying to have another baby and confused as to where to go from here. I was naive and thought having a baby would magically fix all my fertility issues. . . with PCOS that is not the case and unfortunately the medication we used to have Dillon (metformin) hasn't worked this time; we have even raised the dosage and added hormone medication with no luck. We recently changed insurance and met with an obgyn to find out our options and left feeling more lost and confused then before we went to see him. Our insurance doesn't cover infertility until we have had it three years so unless we want to pay everything out of pocket ($300 each Dr appt plus treatment) there is nothing we can do. We have been researching and praying non-stop and not going to lie after the doctor appointment cried for awhile. But I know our God has a plan and will guide us in the direction we need to be. I also know that plan maybe that we only have one child and I feel so incredibly blessed to have Dillon and to be his momma. BUT its still hard to process all of this. I cannot even count the amount of times people have asked when we were going to have another baby or how many times I have changed because a shirt and mom pouch (belly) make me look pregnant and I don't want to be asked if i am expecting. I have always pictured having three to four kids and letting go of that picture is a process, hopefully one day we will have another baby or a couple more kids but for now we are just waiting for our Lord to guide us in the direction we need to be and thanking him for our Healthy, Growing, Amazing little boy. We also are very open to many options: fertility treatments, adoptions, and just letting go of all of this stress and hoping one day for another miracle baby. But for now we are going to give it over to God and enjoy every milestone and day we have as a family of three and enjoy this beautiful life we have been blessed with! Thank you to everyone who has supported us and prayed for us and we just ask that you continue to pray that we are open to any plan God has for our family and that we listen for his answers and direction.

Feeling so blessed

Today in church I looked down at this little boy and my heart filled with so much joy. After struggling for two years with infertility and being told I would never carry a child I feel so extremely blessed to have such an amazing little boy in my life. He constantly brightens my day, pushes me to my limits, gives me multiple heart attacks and then with perfect timing comes over for snuggles. He calls me every thing except momma until he is really mad or upset then the only word he knows is momma. We dance whenever music comes on and party with every little victory. Everyone laughs when his adorable and contagious belly laugh fills a room and smile as he struts by. After two years of trying we truly received the biggest blessing in Dillon. Today in church I was really struggling I watched a new big sister loving on her new little sibling and it took all of me not to cry. We again are facing infertility only this time the treatment that helped Dean and I have Dillon isn't working and im struggling as I know we are running out of options. Then I look down just as this little guy turns the corner to come sit next to me and I am reminded what a blessing it was to have him and how many others don't ever get to experience the joy of carrying a baby. But I will no longer lie when someone asks when we are going to try for another, I will be honest and tell them that we have been and are struggling because for the past eight months I have smiled, fought back tears and made up some timeline when we would start trying. God is already answering prayers, Dean got this new job with AWESOME benefits including infertility, IVF, AND adoption. At this point we are just continuing my medicine and praying God guides us to our next child whether through this medicine, IVF, or adoption. We know he has a plan for us and we are turning this over to God as we listen for his guidance. We will wait until the new year to pursue other options but for now we pray and await the amazing plan God has for us and love on our adorable little man. I have always been one to plan but know that I need to turn my life over to God and TRUST in his plan.

Late night thoughts

After reading a blog post I found myself agreeing with the mom and remembering the hard time I had after having Dillon and feeling like not many people understood.

Here is the original blog I read
http://www.scarymommy.com/grieving-birth-plan/?utm_source=FB

I remember being in the ICU and feeling like I was grieving, I had tons of reminders of how lucky I was I was the one sick and not Dillon and that we would both be OK but I still felt I had lost out on so many things I had looked forward to. Those first few days were suppose to be so precious with us bonding as a new family, getting to know my little one outside my belly but instead it felt like it was all a dream and I never actually had a baby. I also questioned if I ever would see him again as my levels rose and the antibiotics continued to change without seeming to help. I am so grateful that we are both healthy now and I know this is our story and just the first of many chapters for my son and I but it doesn't change how I felt. I didn't so much mind not having him "naturally" because at that point all I cared about was him being born safely but I do hate that I didn't get to introduce him to everyone and see their first interactions. I would be lying if I said when we do decide to have another child, I am not scared to death but I pray it will have the same outcome, momma and baby healthy! I hope when the time comes I don't let my first delivery experience ruin this new experience because it too will be the first of many chapters for that baby and I. Many people, especially my nurses didn't and dont understand why it was so hard for me to be away from Dillon especially since he was healthy but it was more a grieving for what I wanted the first few days as a momma to be. It was not getting to see his first bath or hear him coo or even scream, it was not rocking him to sleep or feeding him, it was the idea of our first chances to bond being taken away. But now I am grateful we are healthy and I am grateful we have such a good bond and I am forever grateful to everyone who helped me through that hard time.

Social anxiety

I have always been very shy and as I have shared in previous blogs suffer from depression and anxiety. But something that started after I had Dillon was I have very bad social anxiety. It's not even shy, I seriously have panic attacks over it.
The idea of going somewhere makes me anxious but add meeting up with people or being gone for more than an hour and my palms are sweaty, my heart races, and I just want to cancel every plan I have.
It doesn't even have to be going to meet people even having people over gives me anxiety and it doesn't have to be new people or people I hardly see but even people that I love dearly.
That's my honest reason why I don't hangout very much anymore or grab lunch with friends. I have always been shy and well a bit antisocial I guess but more well I'm a home body but that was by choice now its due to anxiety.
The anxiety starts when I start making plans but I can usually talk myself down, then I wake up the morning of those plans and find every thing I possibly can to stay busy and not think about it. Then I get ready and get Dillon ready and start having a full blown panic attack. Once there or once friends come over I always have fun and am happy I was actually able to go. Then comes the drive home where I second guess everything I said and question if I looked like an idiot, offended anyone, talked enough, how Dillon was, how was I with Dillon (did I pay to much attention to him?), etc.
Another part of the social anxiety is big groups, if there are alot of people or conversations happening at once I start to freak out and just want to leave. Even in aisles at stores if there are to many people I will wait for it to calm done.
It is really odd and I have no idea why it has started but it is the reason I didn't have many people over once we got settled to meet Dillon or why I say "we need to get together" but never follow up, it is the reason I am very quiet in big groups and hardly ever invite people over.
Even writing this blog gives me anxiety and I have questioned writing it a million times. I don't want people to not make plans with me because they don't want to stress me out, more I want to explain why I have been distant and let you know if I reach out at all even via text I truly value our friendship and do want to see you its just is a little harder but I am working on it. And am going to stress myself out and push myself to join a mommy and me class so Dillon can be around kids and hopefully I can get through this.
I also started blogging again to relieve stress and hopefully help other moms know they aren't alone and let everyone know I love them and value them and am trying.

It's just a phase

Its crazy how little ones go through phases.
Dillon slept in his crib no problem until he was about 7 months old. Then he got really sick and after 2 urgent care visits, the ER, and a doctors appointment I worried having him in his crib so we decided to co-sleep while he was sick. Well obviously after two weeks of sleeping in momma and dadas bed the crib was no longer an option. Even naps he would wake up the second we laid him in the crib. So we have slowly been working on getting him back in the crib especially for naps.
But one thing that started along with co-sleeping is he no longer wanted to be rocked, he wanted to lay down next to us to fall asleep. A new phase that definitely took some getting used to.
Then about a week ago naps and bed time became a huge struggle and the past three days it takes over and hour and a half of picking him up and laying him down, him screaming bloody murder, and biting me to get him to finally fall asleep. Last night my sister came over after I had been trying over an hour to get him down and offered to give me a break. She took him in his room and bounced him like she used to when he was a baby and within minutes he was out. Today, his first nap I follow our routine and lay him down next to me. After about 10 minutes I decide to go in his room and rock him like I used to, what could it hurt. Miraculously within 5 minutes he was sound asleep AND IN HIS CRIB!

So nap number two for the day, I decide to try the rocking chair. . . three minutes, no struggle, no crying, no biting he is out and again in his crib!!

I guess this is just another phase and I'm totally loving it!! Reminds me of when he was just born and we lived in this rocking chair :)

Where did the time go

Tonight, I was sitting here looking on Pinterest, Google, buy buy baby, and Amazon for things for Dillon's first birthday party/pictures. I suddenly realized that we are a month and a half from him being a year old.
I almost felt like I was going to have a panic attack. How has his first year of life gone so quickly?

Everyone always tells you time flies but when you are going day to day, it is hard to realize how quickly time is ticking. Even though I have watched him hit various milestones, grow, and learn it still shocks me we are so close to the one year mark. I want to freeze time and just keep him as my baby forever but at the same time am eager to continue to watch him grow and achieve. I want to treasure every second even more, hug him a little tighter, and enjoy (well try to) washing bottles, changing diapers, and folding the endless piles of tiny baby clothes because I am realizing how that will eventually be a thing of the past.
Yes, he is only going to be one but with how quickly this year went I can only imagine how fast the next couple years will go.
As I am typing this one handed, my little man is snuggled up laying on my other arm. I love his snuggles and can't help but want to lay here with him while he sleeps , imagining all the glory his future will hold.

Every day with you is a blessing, Dillon. I love celebrating every little milestone (like learning how to get off the couch/bed without face planting) with you. I love watching how excited you get to watch Bob the builder, Mickey mouse, Paw Patrol, or Dinosaur train and how you start dancing to every song. I love watching your bond with your Dada, auntie, nana, and Papa and how excited you get to see friends or other kids. And most importantly I love when you wrap your tiny arms around me and give me hugs and kisses, or the smile you get when you see me, I love playing hide and seek with you, and watching you explore. Never lose your stubbornness or temper because with your strong will you can achieve anything you put your mind to and I hope you never lose that gleam of excitement in your eyes as you enter each day. God has big plans for you little man and if you follow his path I guarantee he has a wonderful adventure planned for you
Love forever and always
Xoxo
Your momma