I know I have talked a lot about Deans surgery but there is something I haven't been able to talk about much . There was about 45 mins of Dean's surgery that I thought he didn't make it.
The surgery center does two things to update the family first of all they send you text updates throughout the surgery secondly they give you the surgery number and post on a board what step the patient is in.
The text updates started about 15 mins after they wheeled Dean back. The first one said "surgery started at 1:27pm Dean is doing great". At this point I was under the impression surgery would take 45 mins if it wasnt cancer to an hour and a half if it was cancer unless something went wrong. The second uupdate came in about 30 mins later " surgery is going well Dean is doing great" the third up date changed a bit "surgery is proceeding expectedly Mr. Busser is doing well". This through me off a bit "expectedly" what does that mean and why are you calling him Mr. Busser instead of Dean. That was at the 1 hr mark. Then the text stopped. . . The board updated a bit weird (I will explain in a minute) so at the 2 hr mark my mom could see me getting more nervous and requested a update. 20 mins later "the surgery is proceeding as expected" no update on Dean. The final text came at 3 hrs. "The surgery is proceeding as expected we are closing" still nothing on Dean. Then the board changed again and really scared me.
The board seemed like such a great idea until it decided to update weird and really scared me. There were four categories we watched each patient go through, pre-Op, surgery in progress, waking up, all done. Seems harmless and they all went in order never skipping and trust me I starred at this board as if my life depended on it for 3 1/2 hrs. So we watched, ok Dean is in pre-op, 20 mins later surgery in progress then nothing no change for almost 2 hrs which at this point I knew in my heart it was cancer and was praying it wasn't bad. Then the board changed but not in order he went from surgery in progress to all done. . . Wait what happened to waking up, ok maybe they just forgot to update the board and he has been in post op for awhile, then it went back to surgery in progress and my mom went to ask for an update. Again I sat a little more nervous but praying, praying hard, and waiting. Then after the final text saying they are closing my heart stopped, Deans number on the board changed blue which we had not seen before and said procedure stopped. . . What do you mean procedure stopped? why is it blue? what is going on? IS Dean ok?
At this point I was sure I had lost my husband and was praying to God it was JUST CANCER never did I think I would be asking for it to be cancer but after it took 3 1/2 hrs to perform what his Dr said was a 45 min surgery I no longer knew what to expect.
At this point Dillon video called and asked "where is daddy"and it took all of me not to cry. What if Dean didn't make it how am I going to explain this to Dillon? How are we going to move forward? How do I make sure Dillon remembers daddy and Mason knows his dad? So many emotions flooded my body and I smiled and said he is talking to the Doctor, trying to not let Dillon see me upset.
I sat in the waiting room waiting for the Doctor to come tell me what was going on because dean's preop nurse said before surgery the doctor loves to come and find the family after surgery and tell them how well it went. I prayed that when the doctor came he had a smile on his face and didn't have the chaplain with him. But the doctor didn't come then they called me over to the phone. This was such a relief because in my head they won't give you bad news over the phone. There I stood, in the middle of the waiting room, surrounded by four other families also awaiting an update on their loved ones, as i answered the phone.
I was so relieved when the doctor started with Dean handle the surgery great! He is ALIVE! I was so happy and braced for the Doctor to tell me it was cancer, "ready" for that statement. Then he continued, "the surgery was much more complicated then we expected, the biopsy came back positive for cancer". (Ok i figured that) "it was in all of his lymoh nodes" wait what the ultrasound shhowed the lymph nodes are clear this can't be right, I immediately started crying, feeling all the eyes around me staring at me but I didn't care, my mind was blank and I was trying so hard to focus on what the doctor was saying and think of questions i needed to ask, then it just continued to get worse, " the cancer was wrapped around his vocal cords I did my best to clean it all off and to preserve the vocal cords but we won't know if he can talk until he fully wakes up". . . He continued to explain I had to wait an hour and a half to see Dean and that they had to place a drain in Deans neck but it would only need to sray in for 12-24 hrs and we needed to wait for blood work to see if Dean had to stay the night or could go home. I held the phone crying my eyes out wondering how this all happened, how did it get so bad and how bad was Dean going to be.
The next hour and a half took forever, I must have checked the time every 30 seconds, I felt completely numb and just kept praying he would wake up ok, praying he could talk, praying it was going to ok, but also thanking God he was alive. All of me just wanted to find my way to recovery and see for myself Dean was ok. I kept myself as calm as possible reminding myself I was pregnant and the last thing we needed was for me to go into labor especially since Dean wouldn't be able to be there to see mason be born and it's way to early for Mason to be delivered, so I focused on breathing and just kept drinking my water. I updated a couple people but thankfully my mom did most of the updating because I just couldn't even think straight. I was numb but relieved and had moments of composure and moments I balled my eyes out. I thanked God it was JUST CANCER but at the same time just kept replaying what the doctor said in my head trying to figure out how it could be this bad.
They finally came and got me to go see Dean in recovery, the security guard who walked me to recovery didn't say much and I felt so bad for him because he was the one to hand me the phone not knowing I was about to get bad news ( I will never forget looking up at him while I was on the phone crying and he was pale and had the most shocked face ever I don't think he ever expected them to give that news over the phone) I tried to bring up small talk so we werent awkwardly silently walking and also to get my mind off everything. As we walked I prayed so hard,1 I didn't know how the incision was going to look, what the drain would look like(I don't do well with blood and didn't want to pass out) and most importantly if Dean was going to be awake and if he could talk. As we turned the corner I saw Dean through the front of the curtain with his eyes closed laying there, I stopped for a second behind the curtain to prepare myself. Then as I walked around the curtain Dean turned and looked at me and said something. I immediately bursted into tears, so much relief rushed over me, I grabbed his hand crying just so happy he was ok and talking. I thanked God I was able to hold his hand and talk to him.
Dean didn't know anything at this point he said he guessed it was cancer because he felt them draw his blood which they said they would only do if it was and he knew he was under much longer than 45 mins because he could hear the nurses discussing shift change. I tried to explain to him everything but kept reminding him the most important thing was he was OK. The doctor finally came in and answered so many questions and spent about 30 mins discussing everything with us again and it helped being able to stand next to Dean and know he was ok and the doctor also helped calm down my fears by answering all of my questions. He told us it was the largest tumors he had ever seen at 9cm and also that his thyroid had actually exploded to twice the size it should have been. He said he truly never expected it to be cancer and was surprised when the biopsy came back positive.
Friday October 13th was one of the hardest days of my life and truly challenged me to let go and let God. It also reminded me how precious life is and that I shouldn't take anything for granted. I am so grateful to our loving and amazing God that he protected Dean and guided his Drs and surgical team. I thank God he put such a strong amazing man in my life, choosing Dean as my soul mate. I am so blessed we are still all together and we will definitely celebrate every second we get to spend as a family. This chapter of our lives may seem like such a huge event but it will hopefully just be a small chapter in our story and i pray we can move forward from here, healthy.
No comments:
Post a Comment