Right now I feel like I'm so over exhausted I can't even sleep. The night/morning everything happened I got two hours of sleep because I couldn't fall asleep until almost 2am then Dillon woke up at 4am and Dean came running in at 5am and off we went to the hospital. That night I came home after being gone for the longest I have ever left Dillon (15 hrs). We snuggled in bed for a bit then didn't get much sleep that night because he was still having a hard time with the fact that I wasn't home when he woke up and then was gone for so long plus not having Daddy home which hasn't happened since he was a baby. I set my alarm for 830 to make sure i got to the hospital before deans procedure but woke up at 730 and started my day. Last night when I got home (again after 12 hrs) Dillon has a cold and i knew it would be another rough night. Between Dillon still not sure about our change in schedule, his cold, and me having to pee all night from being 34 weeks pregnant I again am running on about 3 hrs of sleep. I set my alarm for 9 am today in hopes to sleep in but with everything was up at 7am not able to go back to sleep.
My parents and sister have both offered to take Dillon for the night so I can sleep but after being away all day I need 5hose night time snuggles and even if it means we are up every 45 mins so Dillon can make sure I'm home I will take it so I can spend some time with him.
In the mornings I am usually running on adrenaline waiting for one of dean's procedures or test results or to hear if he is coming home then by 4pm/5pm I crash and the exhaustion takes over. Then I come home and I find more energy when I am greeted by Dillons goofy smile and excitement when he sees me.
Hopefully today is the last of all of this and we can bring home and all be healthy and safe under one roof (and get some sleep) but if not I know I will continue to find energy and strength and am so blessed to have my family to help keep me going and keep Dillon safe and having fun when I'm not home.
Monday, November 13, 2017
Sunday, November 12, 2017
Finding our strength
With facebook and Instagram and all the other social media sources, we are exposed to various stories and events for people around us that before we would have had no idea was going on.
Over the past few years I have watched as young families have battled cancer and always thought I would never be able to handle that and wondered how they have balanced everything and admired their strength. Over these past few weeks I have had a small glimpse into what all goes on. Thankfully dean's thyroid cancer was caught early and was/is easily treated but it has still come with its challenges especially with a two and a half year old.
We are so incredibly blessed with an amazing support system. My parents and sister have really made having to leave Dillon easy and have been able to change their schedules to watch him so I'm not having to worry about finding a sitter and worrying about how he is behaving and adjusting since he really isn't ever babysat either I'm home, take him with me, Deans home, or my parents and sister are able to watch him. I am forever grateful for everything they have done for us during these past few months not only does it allow us to go to appointments together and for me to be completely there for Dean without having to run after Dillon or worry if he is having fun at home. They have been there as I have gotten some of the most devastating news and have helped keep me strong when it feels like everything is falling apart.
With Deans surgery I left that morning expecting it to take about 4 hrs total and every doctor was almost completely certain it wasn't cancer and would be a routine treatment. Then after a 3 1/2 hr surgery our lives changed, we were faced with many more doctors appointments and treatments and I was immediately torn as they said Dean would possibly be admitted to the hospital, do I stay with my husband or go home with my toddler. Again my parents and sister immediately stepped in offering to take Dillon for the night. Luckily Dean came home but than yesterday we were once again faced with Dean being admitted and a long day of needing people to watch Dillon. At 5am everyone helped to stay with Dillon and my mom came with me as Dean started throwing up blood, I had no idea what we were about to face or be told and definitely didn't want to be alone and was so relieved knowing Dillon didn't have to be woken up at 5am and kknowing he would have a fun day no matter what time we made it home.
I sat in the hospital immediately feeling comfort and knowing God would protect us and guide us. Suddenly finding this strength to once again power through and stay strong for Dean, with that being said I also had moments of weakness where I have bawled my eyes out but for everything we have been through the strength I have found through God and all the support from my family and friends praying and reaching out to us and even through social media and knowing I could ask for prayers and immediately have tons of people joining us in prayer for answers, positive results, and guidance has been unimaginable. Even in those moments of weakness when worry, exhaustion, and being overwhelmed takes over there is still comfort and strength we feel from everyone around us. I have felt horrible as I sit there crying by Dean even though he is the one that is diagnosed with cancer and throwing up blood but he understands and somehow continues to be that comfort and strength for me as he always is.
Dean is amazing and so strong through all of this. At times I find myself just staring at him in awe of his strength and determination to push through. He still continues to work and put Dillon and I first even as he is going through something I could never imagine. He smiles and cracks jokes as if none of this has happened.
Last night I had to choose between staying with Dean or going home to Dillon. After being up since 4am, only sleeping two hours prior to that, and not seeing Dillon awake since Friday night Dean and I decided it was best I go home to Dillon. Leaving the hospital wasn't easy but having Dillon with me made it easier. Going to bed and having Dillon crying saying he wants his best friend and needs dadda wasnt easy but i was so thankful for FaceTime and giving Dillon a little more time to see daddy before he fell asleep. This morning as I packed stuff and got ready to leave for the hospital it was hard to leave Dillon again not knowing when I would get home. I thought about families that have to travel back and forth to the hospital for days weeks month at a time and am again in admiration of their strength and ability to continue moving forward. I have barely had a glimpse into this life and it isn't easy and is a constant struggle to not let weaknesses take over, every minute anything can change and you are just waiting for the next step the next result the next minute to come and praying it will get better.
I pray this is our last night of hospital stays for Dean and that we don't have too many more obstacles. We still have a few days of isolation for Dean coming up during radiation but at least he will be in a hotel not a hospital and should be healthy and I wont have to worry to much about complications. We actually just found out partial results of Dean's scope and unfortunately they weren't what we had hoped for but I am soo incredibly grateful Dean was admitted last night and they did the scope today instead of waiting a week or two or going home and having him start coughingup blood again. They found active bleeding in the left lobe of his lung, Now we wait for results again, wait to hear if it's an infection, broken vessel, or if his thyroid cancer spread. The cancer spreading has been a huge fear of mine and here I am once again being forced to face one of my fears but standing strong knowing God is watching over us. Yesterday they wanted to discharge Dean because they didn't have an opening for the scope but last minute, seriously as Dean was standing up to change, they came in and said they had a cancellation and if it was ok they would admit him. We (well I agreed Dean just was forced to comply lol) agreed and waited for the procedure even though they felt it was just being done as a precaution I knew something wasn't right no one just throws up that much blood for no reason. The procedure got pushed to today but the doctor said he felt more comfortable keeping him and I completely agreed. This wasnt by accident, there wasn't a cancellation just because this was God watching over us, guiding us, and protecting us. So even though this has been a fear of mine the past 4 weeks today it seems easier to face knowing it was found, knowing God will continue to watch over us, and knowing God will protect Dean. Im still praying its not cancer but if it is i know God will watch over us, comfort us and give us strength to move forward and I know Dean will conquer it, probably laughing and still doing everything at 110%.
I keep being told it's amazing how strong we are being through this and it catches me off guard, there are times I don't feel strong, I feel broken, exhausted, weak, defeated. Times when I cry my eyes out because of results or due to exhaustion or the thought of once again going home with out Dean but then I pull it together and remind myself that Dean is alive and he will one day come home with us (hopefully tomorrow) and I realize that this is just our new normal and there is nothing we can do to change it but get answers and run tests and follow treatments. So we have to be strong, we have to push forward, and we have to live our lives to the best we can right now because this is our lives and we have to enjoy every second we are blessed with. We have to try to keep some kind of normal for Dillon and make sure he has his mommy and daddy time even if that means I have to leave at night and anxiously wait at home for a phone call.
The hardest part of leaving the hospital right now is the fear that something will once again go wrong or that his bleeding will restart and not stop and knowing I am at least 40 mins away. But this is Again when I turn to God and trust him and his plan and am thankful for cell phones and FaceTime so I can check in on Dean whenever I want.
Even though we never imagined this would happen and honestly would have preferred it didn't happen, it has reminded us of everything we have to be thankful for. My amazing family, our friends, our time together, the advances in technology medical and communication, Deans doctors and medical team, our amazing insurance, our two little boys and their health, and most importantly our faith and God.
At this point I am praying we can easily fix whatever is going on with Dean right now and he comes home safe and healthy, we are praying that he can still do the radiation (maybe even sooner) and that will take care of any and all cancer, we are praying Dillon and Mason stays healthy and that Mason comes after Dean is all better and his delivery is safe and healthy without complications, and we are praying Dean gets a clean bill of health and is completely back to himself before Mason arrives so we can enjoy Christmas as a healthy family of four.
Dean is still in good spirits and just wants to go home and move forward with radiation treatments. Once again being the strong crazy man that I admire and love with all my heart. We went to a wedding for the first time together since dean's diagnoses last week. As we sat listening to the vows they took on a whole new meaning. On our wedding day we stood there so full of excitement and love, not knowing what our futures would hold but knowing we would conquer it together, this weekend i listened to the vows and realized just how much meaning these have take on for us. "I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part" our marriage has had its fair share of challenges but we have stuck together, on our wedding day for better and for worsefor richer for poorer is just part of the vows and you think seriously how bad can it get you are so incredibly happy and well at least for us we were already "poor" financially like most young married couples now but as challenges arise your vows are challenged and you find yourselves leaning on each other. But than they get to in sickness and in health and it took everything not to cry, on our wedding day we were(and still are) young. Standing there it is like it will be at least fifty years before we face any serious sickness but we were wrong, here we are coming up to our 6th anniversary facing in sickness and really leaning on our vows to each other. Using this challenge of our vows to bring us closer together and not allowing it to tear us apart. We had gotten to the point where we were mommy and daddy and often forgot we were also husband and wife but since everythingnhas started we have been reminded we are also husband and wife and have said vows to each other and need to make time for each other and to hold hands and continue to pray together every night even if we are exhausted. I couldn't ask for a better should mate and would say our vows all over again in a heartbeat because I couldn't imagine going through this with anyone else and I am greatful God has given me Dean as my best friend.
Over the past few years I have watched as young families have battled cancer and always thought I would never be able to handle that and wondered how they have balanced everything and admired their strength. Over these past few weeks I have had a small glimpse into what all goes on. Thankfully dean's thyroid cancer was caught early and was/is easily treated but it has still come with its challenges especially with a two and a half year old.
We are so incredibly blessed with an amazing support system. My parents and sister have really made having to leave Dillon easy and have been able to change their schedules to watch him so I'm not having to worry about finding a sitter and worrying about how he is behaving and adjusting since he really isn't ever babysat either I'm home, take him with me, Deans home, or my parents and sister are able to watch him. I am forever grateful for everything they have done for us during these past few months not only does it allow us to go to appointments together and for me to be completely there for Dean without having to run after Dillon or worry if he is having fun at home. They have been there as I have gotten some of the most devastating news and have helped keep me strong when it feels like everything is falling apart.
With Deans surgery I left that morning expecting it to take about 4 hrs total and every doctor was almost completely certain it wasn't cancer and would be a routine treatment. Then after a 3 1/2 hr surgery our lives changed, we were faced with many more doctors appointments and treatments and I was immediately torn as they said Dean would possibly be admitted to the hospital, do I stay with my husband or go home with my toddler. Again my parents and sister immediately stepped in offering to take Dillon for the night. Luckily Dean came home but than yesterday we were once again faced with Dean being admitted and a long day of needing people to watch Dillon. At 5am everyone helped to stay with Dillon and my mom came with me as Dean started throwing up blood, I had no idea what we were about to face or be told and definitely didn't want to be alone and was so relieved knowing Dillon didn't have to be woken up at 5am and kknowing he would have a fun day no matter what time we made it home.
I sat in the hospital immediately feeling comfort and knowing God would protect us and guide us. Suddenly finding this strength to once again power through and stay strong for Dean, with that being said I also had moments of weakness where I have bawled my eyes out but for everything we have been through the strength I have found through God and all the support from my family and friends praying and reaching out to us and even through social media and knowing I could ask for prayers and immediately have tons of people joining us in prayer for answers, positive results, and guidance has been unimaginable. Even in those moments of weakness when worry, exhaustion, and being overwhelmed takes over there is still comfort and strength we feel from everyone around us. I have felt horrible as I sit there crying by Dean even though he is the one that is diagnosed with cancer and throwing up blood but he understands and somehow continues to be that comfort and strength for me as he always is.
Dean is amazing and so strong through all of this. At times I find myself just staring at him in awe of his strength and determination to push through. He still continues to work and put Dillon and I first even as he is going through something I could never imagine. He smiles and cracks jokes as if none of this has happened.
Last night I had to choose between staying with Dean or going home to Dillon. After being up since 4am, only sleeping two hours prior to that, and not seeing Dillon awake since Friday night Dean and I decided it was best I go home to Dillon. Leaving the hospital wasn't easy but having Dillon with me made it easier. Going to bed and having Dillon crying saying he wants his best friend and needs dadda wasnt easy but i was so thankful for FaceTime and giving Dillon a little more time to see daddy before he fell asleep. This morning as I packed stuff and got ready to leave for the hospital it was hard to leave Dillon again not knowing when I would get home. I thought about families that have to travel back and forth to the hospital for days weeks month at a time and am again in admiration of their strength and ability to continue moving forward. I have barely had a glimpse into this life and it isn't easy and is a constant struggle to not let weaknesses take over, every minute anything can change and you are just waiting for the next step the next result the next minute to come and praying it will get better.
I pray this is our last night of hospital stays for Dean and that we don't have too many more obstacles. We still have a few days of isolation for Dean coming up during radiation but at least he will be in a hotel not a hospital and should be healthy and I wont have to worry to much about complications. We actually just found out partial results of Dean's scope and unfortunately they weren't what we had hoped for but I am soo incredibly grateful Dean was admitted last night and they did the scope today instead of waiting a week or two or going home and having him start coughingup blood again. They found active bleeding in the left lobe of his lung, Now we wait for results again, wait to hear if it's an infection, broken vessel, or if his thyroid cancer spread. The cancer spreading has been a huge fear of mine and here I am once again being forced to face one of my fears but standing strong knowing God is watching over us. Yesterday they wanted to discharge Dean because they didn't have an opening for the scope but last minute, seriously as Dean was standing up to change, they came in and said they had a cancellation and if it was ok they would admit him. We (well I agreed Dean just was forced to comply lol) agreed and waited for the procedure even though they felt it was just being done as a precaution I knew something wasn't right no one just throws up that much blood for no reason. The procedure got pushed to today but the doctor said he felt more comfortable keeping him and I completely agreed. This wasnt by accident, there wasn't a cancellation just because this was God watching over us, guiding us, and protecting us. So even though this has been a fear of mine the past 4 weeks today it seems easier to face knowing it was found, knowing God will continue to watch over us, and knowing God will protect Dean. Im still praying its not cancer but if it is i know God will watch over us, comfort us and give us strength to move forward and I know Dean will conquer it, probably laughing and still doing everything at 110%.
I keep being told it's amazing how strong we are being through this and it catches me off guard, there are times I don't feel strong, I feel broken, exhausted, weak, defeated. Times when I cry my eyes out because of results or due to exhaustion or the thought of once again going home with out Dean but then I pull it together and remind myself that Dean is alive and he will one day come home with us (hopefully tomorrow) and I realize that this is just our new normal and there is nothing we can do to change it but get answers and run tests and follow treatments. So we have to be strong, we have to push forward, and we have to live our lives to the best we can right now because this is our lives and we have to enjoy every second we are blessed with. We have to try to keep some kind of normal for Dillon and make sure he has his mommy and daddy time even if that means I have to leave at night and anxiously wait at home for a phone call.
The hardest part of leaving the hospital right now is the fear that something will once again go wrong or that his bleeding will restart and not stop and knowing I am at least 40 mins away. But this is Again when I turn to God and trust him and his plan and am thankful for cell phones and FaceTime so I can check in on Dean whenever I want.
Even though we never imagined this would happen and honestly would have preferred it didn't happen, it has reminded us of everything we have to be thankful for. My amazing family, our friends, our time together, the advances in technology medical and communication, Deans doctors and medical team, our amazing insurance, our two little boys and their health, and most importantly our faith and God.
At this point I am praying we can easily fix whatever is going on with Dean right now and he comes home safe and healthy, we are praying that he can still do the radiation (maybe even sooner) and that will take care of any and all cancer, we are praying Dillon and Mason stays healthy and that Mason comes after Dean is all better and his delivery is safe and healthy without complications, and we are praying Dean gets a clean bill of health and is completely back to himself before Mason arrives so we can enjoy Christmas as a healthy family of four.
Dean is still in good spirits and just wants to go home and move forward with radiation treatments. Once again being the strong crazy man that I admire and love with all my heart. We went to a wedding for the first time together since dean's diagnoses last week. As we sat listening to the vows they took on a whole new meaning. On our wedding day we stood there so full of excitement and love, not knowing what our futures would hold but knowing we would conquer it together, this weekend i listened to the vows and realized just how much meaning these have take on for us. "I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part" our marriage has had its fair share of challenges but we have stuck together, on our wedding day for better and for worsefor richer for poorer is just part of the vows and you think seriously how bad can it get you are so incredibly happy and well at least for us we were already "poor" financially like most young married couples now but as challenges arise your vows are challenged and you find yourselves leaning on each other. But than they get to in sickness and in health and it took everything not to cry, on our wedding day we were(and still are) young. Standing there it is like it will be at least fifty years before we face any serious sickness but we were wrong, here we are coming up to our 6th anniversary facing in sickness and really leaning on our vows to each other. Using this challenge of our vows to bring us closer together and not allowing it to tear us apart. We had gotten to the point where we were mommy and daddy and often forgot we were also husband and wife but since everythingnhas started we have been reminded we are also husband and wife and have said vows to each other and need to make time for each other and to hold hands and continue to pray together every night even if we are exhausted. I couldn't ask for a better should mate and would say our vows all over again in a heartbeat because I couldn't imagine going through this with anyone else and I am greatful God has given me Dean as my best friend.
Saturday, November 11, 2017
Mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted
This morning Dillon woke me up at 4 am fussing and just want in to be snuggled for a little bit, right as I got him to bed I crawled back into my bed and Dean quickly came in and told me I needed to come to the bathroom. I didn't know what was going on but quickly realized something was wrong when I saw all the blood.
We headed to the ER at 5am and Dean coughed up blood the entire drive there.
We got to the ER and y quickly called us to triage as they saw how much blood was coming up they immediately go him a bed and started rushing the testing. First they ran him to xray and I sat there still in shock trying to comprehendd what was goin on and not go through all the bad scenarios trying to stay calm. Next they started trying for an IV and the nurses started explaining to me the procedure for blood teansfusions, trying to focus and listen to what they were telling me while watching two nurses on both sides of my husband trying their hardest to get an IV an havin them continue to collapse, while dean continued to cough up blood a few times I had to get up and wipe blood off his face still just in shock that this much blood was pouring out of his mouth. a little later the ENt dr came in and did a scope through his nose i stared at the wall holding his hand trying to stay strong the dr said the blood was pooling below his vocal chords and he would need differemt tests to determine where it was coming from. Then they took him toCT, this was at first calming to me because for the past month since being told Dean had cancer we have been waiting for a ct to be sure it hadn't spread. At this point one of his doctors came over and told us they believed it was either an infection in his lungs or the cancer could have spread to his lungs. More time passed another doctor came and told us they wanted to admit him for a scope to see if there was a tear in his throat or lungs and depending on if the bleeding continued they may need to tube him to make sure he didn't damage his airway. His xray came back clear and blood work was great, white blood cells were normal so it didn't indicate infection, hemoglobin was High which meant he had not lost too much blood and didnt need a transfusion. Dean was brought back from CT and the bleeding stopped. At this point it was 10am and he lost over 12 oz of blood. Everything finlly calmed down, and we were transferred to a private ER room.
Around 12pm his Ct came back clear and they couldn't get him in for the scope so they talked about discharging him, just as they started the discharge process his Dr came in and said they had a cancellation so if he wanted to just get it done they could. We agreed it was better to get answers. At 1pm the pulmonologist came in and went over the procedure with us and also went over his CT results, the lungs looked clear but by his incision site some l ymphnodes are inflamed which could be cancer but radiation should take care of those. At 245 they called and said they needed to move the scope to tomorrow due to staffing but felt more comfortable keeping him overnight so we started the wait for a bed in the main hospital . At 430 pm Dean ate for the first time and once again coughed up blood but very little and it stopped again.
At 530 pm they transferred us to the main hospital and everything calmed down.
Dillon got to visit with daddy for a bit before I headed home for the night. It was extremely hard to leave the hospital but I knew Dillon needed me too.
I don't do well with blood, vomit, or hospitals but today my adrenaline kicked in an I was able to handle it all some how only feeling like throwing up once and only crying twice.
I never expected to see that much blood pouring out of my husband but I am so thankful God was watching over him and kept him safe.
Tomorrow they will hopefully do the scope early and as long as everything is ok he will come home.
I'm praying he has a good night and they find whatever is bleeding and it is something minor.
Hopefully we can all get some sleep and tomorrow is a new better day.
Thank you God for watching over and protecting Dean and for keeping him safe and in good hands. Please continue to help him improve and to guide his doctors and medical team and let him come home HEALTHY to us.
We headed to the ER at 5am and Dean coughed up blood the entire drive there.
We got to the ER and y quickly called us to triage as they saw how much blood was coming up they immediately go him a bed and started rushing the testing. First they ran him to xray and I sat there still in shock trying to comprehendd what was goin on and not go through all the bad scenarios trying to stay calm. Next they started trying for an IV and the nurses started explaining to me the procedure for blood teansfusions, trying to focus and listen to what they were telling me while watching two nurses on both sides of my husband trying their hardest to get an IV an havin them continue to collapse, while dean continued to cough up blood a few times I had to get up and wipe blood off his face still just in shock that this much blood was pouring out of his mouth. a little later the ENt dr came in and did a scope through his nose i stared at the wall holding his hand trying to stay strong the dr said the blood was pooling below his vocal chords and he would need differemt tests to determine where it was coming from. Then they took him toCT, this was at first calming to me because for the past month since being told Dean had cancer we have been waiting for a ct to be sure it hadn't spread. At this point one of his doctors came over and told us they believed it was either an infection in his lungs or the cancer could have spread to his lungs. More time passed another doctor came and told us they wanted to admit him for a scope to see if there was a tear in his throat or lungs and depending on if the bleeding continued they may need to tube him to make sure he didn't damage his airway. His xray came back clear and blood work was great, white blood cells were normal so it didn't indicate infection, hemoglobin was High which meant he had not lost too much blood and didnt need a transfusion. Dean was brought back from CT and the bleeding stopped. At this point it was 10am and he lost over 12 oz of blood. Everything finlly calmed down, and we were transferred to a private ER room.
Around 12pm his Ct came back clear and they couldn't get him in for the scope so they talked about discharging him, just as they started the discharge process his Dr came in and said they had a cancellation so if he wanted to just get it done they could. We agreed it was better to get answers. At 1pm the pulmonologist came in and went over the procedure with us and also went over his CT results, the lungs looked clear but by his incision site some l ymphnodes are inflamed which could be cancer but radiation should take care of those. At 245 they called and said they needed to move the scope to tomorrow due to staffing but felt more comfortable keeping him overnight so we started the wait for a bed in the main hospital . At 430 pm Dean ate for the first time and once again coughed up blood but very little and it stopped again.
At 530 pm they transferred us to the main hospital and everything calmed down.
Dillon got to visit with daddy for a bit before I headed home for the night. It was extremely hard to leave the hospital but I knew Dillon needed me too.
I don't do well with blood, vomit, or hospitals but today my adrenaline kicked in an I was able to handle it all some how only feeling like throwing up once and only crying twice.
I never expected to see that much blood pouring out of my husband but I am so thankful God was watching over him and kept him safe.
Tomorrow they will hopefully do the scope early and as long as everything is ok he will come home.
I'm praying he has a good night and they find whatever is bleeding and it is something minor.
Hopefully we can all get some sleep and tomorrow is a new better day.
Thank you God for watching over and protecting Dean and for keeping him safe and in good hands. Please continue to help him improve and to guide his doctors and medical team and let him come home HEALTHY to us.
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