Finding our strength

With facebook and Instagram and all the other social media sources, we are exposed to various stories and events for people around us that before we would have had no idea was going on.
Over the past few years I have watched as young families have battled cancer and always thought I would never be able to handle that and wondered how they have balanced everything and admired their strength. Over these past few weeks I have had a small glimpse into what all goes on. Thankfully dean's thyroid cancer was caught early and was/is easily treated but it has still come with its challenges especially with a two and a half year old.
We are so incredibly blessed with an amazing support system. My parents and sister have really made having to leave Dillon easy and have been able to change their schedules to watch him so I'm not having to worry about finding a sitter and worrying about how he is behaving and adjusting since he really isn't ever babysat either I'm home, take him with me, Deans home, or my parents and sister are able to watch him. I am forever grateful for everything they have done for us during these past few months not only does it allow us to go to appointments together and for me to be completely there for Dean without having to run after Dillon or worry if he is having fun at home. They have been there as I have gotten some of the most devastating news and have helped keep me strong when it feels like everything is falling apart.
With Deans surgery I left that morning expecting it to take about 4 hrs total and every doctor was almost completely certain it wasn't cancer and would be a routine treatment. Then after a 3 1/2 hr surgery our lives changed, we were faced with many more doctors appointments and treatments and I was immediately torn as they said Dean would possibly be admitted to the hospital, do I stay with my husband or go home with my toddler. Again my parents and sister immediately stepped in offering to take Dillon for the night. Luckily Dean came home but than yesterday we were once again faced with Dean being admitted and a long day of needing people to watch Dillon. At 5am everyone helped to stay with Dillon and my mom came with me as Dean started throwing up blood, I had no idea what we were about to face or be told and definitely didn't want to be alone and was so relieved knowing Dillon didn't have to be woken up at 5am and kknowing he would have a fun day no matter what time we made it home.
I sat in the hospital immediately feeling comfort and knowing God would protect us and guide us. Suddenly finding this strength to once again power through and stay strong for Dean, with that being said I also had moments of weakness where I have bawled my eyes out but for everything we have been through the strength I have found through God and all the support from my family and friends praying and reaching out to us and even through social media and knowing I could ask for prayers and immediately have tons of people joining us in prayer for answers, positive results, and guidance has been unimaginable. Even in those moments of weakness when worry, exhaustion, and being overwhelmed takes over there is still comfort and strength we feel from everyone around us. I have felt horrible as I sit there crying by Dean even though he is the one that is diagnosed with cancer and throwing up blood but he understands and somehow continues to be that comfort and strength for me as he always is.
Dean is amazing and so strong through all of this. At times I find myself just staring at him in awe of his strength and determination to push through. He still continues to work and put Dillon and I first even as he is going through something I could never imagine. He smiles and cracks jokes as if none of this has happened.
Last night I had to choose between staying with Dean or going home to Dillon. After being up since 4am, only sleeping two hours prior to that, and not seeing Dillon awake since Friday night Dean and I decided it was best I go home to Dillon. Leaving the hospital wasn't easy but having Dillon with me made it easier. Going to bed and having Dillon crying saying he wants his best friend and needs dadda wasnt easy but i was so thankful for FaceTime and giving Dillon a little more time to see daddy before he fell asleep. This morning as I packed stuff and got ready to leave for the hospital it was hard to leave Dillon again not knowing when I would get home. I thought about families that have to travel back and forth to the hospital for days weeks month at a time and am again in admiration of their strength and ability to continue moving forward. I have barely had a glimpse into this life and it isn't easy and is a constant struggle to not let weaknesses take over, every minute anything can change and you are just waiting for the next step the next result the next minute to come and praying it will get better.
I pray this is our last night of hospital stays for Dean and that we don't have too many more obstacles. We still have a few days of isolation for Dean coming up during radiation  but at least he will be in a hotel not a hospital and should be healthy and I wont have to worry to much about complications. We actually just found out partial results of Dean's scope and unfortunately they weren't what we had hoped for but I am soo incredibly grateful Dean was admitted last night and they did the scope today instead of waiting a week or two or going home and having him start coughingup blood again. They found active bleeding in the left lobe of his lung, Now we wait for results again, wait to hear if it's an infection, broken vessel, or if his thyroid cancer spread. The cancer spreading has been a huge fear of mine and here I am once again being forced to face one of my fears but standing strong knowing God is watching over us. Yesterday they wanted to discharge Dean because they didn't have an opening for the scope but last minute, seriously as Dean was standing up to change, they came in and said they had a cancellation and if it was ok they would admit him. We (well I agreed Dean just was forced to comply lol) agreed and waited for the procedure even though they felt it was just being done as a precaution I knew something wasn't right no one just throws up that much blood for no reason. The procedure got pushed to today but the doctor said he felt more comfortable keeping him and I completely agreed. This wasnt by accident, there wasn't a cancellation just because this was God watching over us, guiding us, and protecting us. So even though this has been a fear of mine the past 4 weeks today it seems easier to face knowing it was found, knowing God will continue to watch over us, and knowing God will protect Dean. Im still praying its not cancer but if it is i know God will watch over us, comfort us and give us strength to move forward and I know Dean will conquer it, probably laughing and still doing everything at 110%.
I keep being told it's amazing how strong we are being through this and it catches me off guard, there are times I don't feel strong, I feel broken, exhausted, weak, defeated. Times when I cry my eyes out because of results or due to exhaustion or the thought of once again going home with out Dean but then I pull it together and remind myself that Dean is alive and he will one day come home with us (hopefully tomorrow) and I realize that this is just our new normal and there is nothing we can do to change it but get answers and run tests and follow treatments. So we have to be strong, we have to push forward, and we have to live our lives to the best we can right now because this is our lives and we have to enjoy every second we are blessed with. We have to try to keep some kind of normal for Dillon and make sure he has his mommy and daddy time even if that means I have to leave at night and anxiously wait at home for a phone call.
The hardest part of leaving the hospital right now is the fear that something will once again go wrong or that his bleeding will restart and not stop and knowing I am at least 40 mins away. But this is Again when I turn to God and trust him and his plan and am thankful for cell phones and FaceTime so I can check in on Dean whenever I want.
Even though we never imagined this would happen and honestly would have preferred it didn't happen, it has reminded us of everything we have to be thankful for. My amazing family, our friends, our time together, the advances in technology medical and communication, Deans doctors and medical team, our amazing insurance, our two little boys and their health, and most importantly our  faith and God.
At this point I am praying we can easily fix whatever is going on with Dean right now and he comes home safe and healthy, we are praying that he can still do the radiation (maybe even sooner) and that will take care of any and all cancer, we are praying Dillon and Mason stays healthy and that Mason comes after Dean is all better and his delivery is safe and healthy without complications, and we are praying Dean gets a clean bill of health and is completely back to himself before Mason arrives so we can enjoy Christmas as a healthy family of four.
Dean is still in good spirits and just wants to go home and move forward with radiation treatments. Once again being the strong crazy man that I admire and love with all my heart. We went to a wedding for the first time together since dean's diagnoses last week. As we sat listening to the vows they took on a whole new meaning. On our wedding day we stood there so full of excitement and love, not knowing what our futures would hold but knowing we would conquer it together, this weekend i listened to the vows and realized just how much meaning these have take on for us. "I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part" our marriage has had its fair share of challenges but we have stuck together, on our wedding day for better and for worsefor richer for poorer is just part of the vows and you think seriously how bad can it get you are so incredibly happy and well at least for us we were already "poor" financially like most young married couples now but as challenges arise your vows are challenged and you find yourselves leaning on each other. But than they get to in sickness and in health and it took everything not to cry, on our wedding day we were(and still are) young. Standing there it is like it will be at least fifty years before we face any serious sickness but we were wrong, here we are coming up to our 6th anniversary facing in sickness and really leaning on our vows to each other. Using this challenge of our vows to bring us closer together and not allowing it to tear us apart. We had gotten to the point where we were mommy and daddy and often forgot we were also husband and wife but since everythingnhas started we have been reminded we are also husband and wife and have said vows to each other and need to make time for each other and to hold hands and continue to pray together every night even if we are exhausted. I couldn't ask for a better should mate and would say our vows all over again in a heartbeat because I couldn't imagine going through this with anyone else and I am greatful God has given me Dean as my best friend.