Where do I begin.

Through the entire process Dean and I stayed pretty quiet partially hoping it would all work out and we would be able to announce we were expanding our family. Even though we weren't trying for a third we would have loved to welcome another baby into this world. But that isnt what God had planned for us right now and even though we will never understand why it was so easy to conceive this little baby and then have to lose the pregnancy we are trusting he has a plan bigger than we can comprehend.
There were many reasons Dean and I didnt think we were expecting. I was still breastfeeding, I just started having my monthly cycle, we weren't trying, I had not missed a cycle since starting them in May, and we usually struggle with infertility. All of this made this whole situation that much more confusing.
July 2nd I started having what I thought was my 3rd monthly cycle since having Mason but I was thrown off because it was 2 weeks early. For the next couple days I had a feeling something wasnt right because it was a lot heavier than normal and I was exhausted.
July 6th I started having really bad clotting which is not normal for me but again since this is only my third cycle since having Mason thought maybe it was just my body still regulating but I told Dean I was a little concerned because this just wasnt normal. We agreed if it hadn't stopped by Tuesday we would take a pregnancy test just to be safe because it seemed as if I was having a miscarriage even though I had not missed a cycle.
Tuesday morning july 9th Dean went to work and I decided to take a test just to ease my mind because I was 99% sure I wasnt pregnant, we usually struggle with infertility and it has taken over a year to get pregnant each time we tried to have the boys so there was no way that us being careful and not trying to get pregnant would result in a pregnancy, right? Wrong. The test came back positive I called Dean and told him I thought I was miscarrying and I would call my doctor as soon as they opened. When I called my obgyn she immediately told me to go to urgent care.
Once at urgent care it just all became a waiting game. All the blood work showed I was pregnant but the ultrasound didnt show anything and I should be 6 weeks + 6 days pregnant by the dates. They decided maybe my dates were wrong (I knew they weren't having dealt with infertility I know to track everything). I was told to come back in 48 hrs for another blood test.
Thursday I go in and they said they expected my hcg to be falling to show I was having an early miscarriage but instead it went up by about 50%. They did another ultrasound but still could not see any viable pregnancy or any ectopic pregnancy in the fallopian tubes. They told me to follow up with my ob and hopefully by the next week my hcg would be high enough to see on an ultrasound. (Sometimes you cannot see a pregnancy until your hcg level is at 2500 I was at 900).
My obgyn had me do more bloodwork Sunday and then scheduled me to come in on Tuesday. Sunday my HCG levels once again went up about 50% so we were feeling hopeful for answers on Tuesday.
Tuesday july 16th I went in to my obgyn and she said she thought it could be a possible ectopic pregnancy with the amount of bleeding I was still having but there was still a 50% chance it would be a viable pregnancy and I was just too early to see anything. I didnt really consider ectopic pregnancy because I have never had issues with pregnancy once I was pregnant and didnt have any issues with my fallopian tubes when they did all the infertility testing. But what I found out was csections and abdominal surgeries increase your chances of ectopic pregancy. I have had two csection plus a laparoscopic surgery on my ovaries 5 years ago to remove ovarian cysts. Still at this point I was convinced it was just a miscarriage or maybe just maybe there was a chance somehow the dates were off and I was just too early to see anything. She sent me for more bloodwork and told me to keep my phone on me she would call as soon as she received it. 1 hour after the blood test she called and said the numbers only went up 35% if that happens 3 times then they consider it a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy because it is not rising sufficiently so she told me to do more bloodwork thursday and then again sunday and go in for a follow up ultrasound Sunday but if I had any cramping, dizziness, or nausea go straight to urgent care.
Thursday I went for my bloodwork expecting another 35% or less rise only to have it go up over 50%. My doctor called and said she was really confused this isnt normal but there was still a good chance for a viable pregnancy to go in for the ultrasound on Sunday or if I started having any symptoms go straight in.
Around 8pm thursday night I was feeling extremely weak, nauseous and started cramping and just knew something wasnt right so we headed to urgent care. They did an ultrasound and still could not find anything but said the obgyn on call wanted me transported to the ER for further evaluation because at this point it was considered an ectopic pregnancy they just needed to locate the pregnancy since my hcg was at 2703.
I was transported by ambulance to the ER where they ran more blood work had me evaluated by the obgyn team and then ordered another ultrasound. I was frustrated because there were so many questions and yet nothing being found and you could tell they were frustrated as well because they knew something wasnt right but couldn't just go in blind trying to find it in surgery. The ultrasound showed blood in my abdomin and a lot of swelling on my left fallopian tube and ovary so they had me do more images and finally found the ectopic pregnancy in my ovary. The doctor said ovarian ectopic pregnancy are extremely rare (about 1 in 60,000) and with the amount of swelling it was hard to find it but they knew with the internal bleeding it was definitely ectopic and they needed to find it. I was given a bed in the trauma center and told it may be a few hours until surgery. Before I could even get into the hospital gown the OR called down and told my nurse they were sending someone to bring me up. Within 30 mins I was on the operating table.
I remember repeating it's all happening so quickly on the way to preop. We had gone 9 days of waiting and no answers to then 12 hrs in urgent care looking like we were still not going to get answers to suddenly having answers and being taken into the OR in less than 2 hours. There was no time to process or think about what was happening it just needed to be done because the internal bleeding needed to be stopped and they wanted the ectopic pregnancy out before it ruptured.
As hard as it was to play the waiting game and then have it all a race at the end I'm glad it went quickly towards the end because there wasnt much time to get nervous or to really dwell on everything that was happening. And I'm glad my doctors really took the time to figure out what was going on and didnt just schedule me for a d&c or give me the medication for miscarriage when they couldn't find it on the ultrasound but thought I was miscarrying.
God has a plan for our family and I know there is a rainbow at the end of this storm so for now I will trust in him and snuggle my two little boys as much as I can.

Finally answers and closure but also pain

We were surprised to find out we were expecting last Tuesday but the excitement wasn't there because we knew something was wrong. We went to urgent care and have been coming out to Loma linda every other day. Thursday night we went to urgent care for complications and they transferred me by ambulance to the ER. After all night of tests and various doctors we finally got answers. I know I'm skipping alot but I'm still processing and extremely overwhelmed and on no sleep.
Also love this hospital they have been amazing and my ER doctor and nurses just came and prayed with me before I go to surgery.
As they wheeled me in the OR it suddenly hit me. The OR looked identical to the one I had mooses csection is. The nurse didnt let me be put under immediately and said the dr was running to talk to me first. Sure enough she literally came running in. I completely fell apart and thanked her as I cried and she started crying as well. She reassured me there was nothing I could have done to avoid this and that just seeing how happy the boys are how she can see how much of a loving and good mother I was and how this baby is so lucky to have had me as a mommy to. The entire surgical room stopped and prayed around me which was extremely calming. I thanked her and thanked her she was incredibly cautious and kept doing more and more testing and without her I may not have found it. She held my hand and talked to me until the last second I was under being sure I wasnt laying alone in the cold sterile hospital room.
The hospital was also a huge blessing and everyone went out of there way to bend protocol to allow me to breastfeed Mason and have him by my side when I/he needed him/he needed me. I was determined to not lose this breastfeeding journey and lose a baby at the same time and they were all parents and completely understood. Even allowing me to breastfeed as being rolled into the pre anesthesia room to get prepped.
It's hard to grieve a baby you didnt know about until you were losing it but after 2 weeks of "hope" and back and forth that it may be viable it's also impossible to not fall in love and start imagining life with another little one. It also normally takes over a year of trying and various infertility medications to even conceive for us so it was so nice for once to not have all of the struggle and heart break to get pregnant but was 100x harder to lose a baby you already had Hope's and dreams for even if it was a surprise.
Sorry this is long, just venting as I struggle through the pain and recovery. They had to remove one of my fallopian tubes and found bleeding in my abdomen from the ectopic pregnancy that was pooling. But they saved my other fallopian tube and both ovaries which is a huge blessing. I dont know what the future holds for Dean and I and honestly we have both discussed being thankful for the beautiful boys we have and not trying for more kids and risking this again but at least the Drs gave me that option. I will post more of how we knew we were miscarrying later on. Right now I am in quite a bit of pain even though it was done laparoscopically the dr had to stretch the right incision to remove the tube and warned there would most likely be bruising and more pain which boy was she right. I'm excited to snuggle my babies a little tighter now and get back to being able to enjoy our lives and not be on stand by hoping/waiting but at the same time jumping at every twinge afraid it may be ectopic and rupturing and definitely over be stuck at home (the boys definitely have cabin fever).
Huge huge thank you to my family who always always have my back and have been there and continue to be ther every step of the way and who allowed me to be grumpy and snap at them on and off these past few days even though they didnt deserve any of it. And especially to Dean who while also experiencing a loss has been my rock and so strong through everything.
Also cannot say enough about my DRs and Hospital. Loma linda went above and beyond. This was truly a mystery and every dr I meant supported me and cried with me and was there for me with hugs and making sure I knew exactly what they knew and what they were doing even if they didnt even quite know. The location the pregnancy implanted was not only extremely rare but also hidden so my body did not make this easy on them. My daily OB even made a point to stop by in the OR during surgery even though it technically was the OR drs case just to be sure I was ok. My obs, ER teams, and chief residents on staff came to radiology while I was testing to review every image with the radiologist and have every eye on the exam to hopefully finally have answers something the tech has never seen. And the first ER doctor found me 12 hours after check in to follow up, cry with me, and pray with me as well. The level of care was above anything I could have ever asked for and God truly guided each one of the individuals I encountered and put them exactly where they needed to be when they needed to be there.
And finally thank you to everyone for checking up on, calling/texting, offering to help, praying, and honestly being more like family in a time when I was so lost and heartbroken.

1 year ago, Friday the 13th

1 year ago today, Friday the 13th! We were supposed to get the keys to our house so we schedule spectrum to come install everything at 6pm and packed three cars full of furniture and cleaning supplies and mattresses and waited for the call that we were good to go. Then we got an unexpected call, making sire Friday the 13th lived up to its reputation, and were told we would not be getting keys until Monday because they had messed up some paperwork. Disappointed, I called the sellers agent and they approved me still meeting the spectrum guy and getting everything set up with them at least. I started the drive with a four month old baby who HATED (still does) his car seat and a Tahoe packed full. We made it to the Ontario mills before I could no longer take the crying and had to pull over. I called my dad in tears telling him I was canceling spectrum, Mason wasnt having it, we would try again on Monday (dean was at work) just to have him say we just got the call that they fixed the paperwork and we got the KEYS! I went from crying from frustration to crying from excitement! I fed Mason and got him to take a nap, then continued our drive up the  mountain. As we reached the top of the town spectrum called and had to reschedule for Monday because they didn't realize they would need to run all new wires. They ran the wires while we cleaned but then left to come back on Monday to set everything up. We did all the cleaning and unloaded the cars, and got dinner from the same restaurant we ate at when Dean and I got engaged. The boys fell asleep during all the craziness so we packed them in the car and headed back to Chino for the night.

 Saturday and Sunday we rented a moving truck and did at least 4 trips back and forth going from 90 degree weather to 60 degree weather. Saturday we spent our first night in the house and I was so nervous how the boys would adjust this was Masons first time sleeping anywhere but the Chino house and Dillons first time in his own room any where other than Chino, but they surprised me and adjusted perfectly! In that one weekend we completely moved in and decorated. It was just 6 adults (Dean, Ann, Alan, Sarah, Ryan, and myself) a four month old and a three year old. Going up and down the stairs, driving up and down the hill, packing the moving truck, unpacking the moving truck, setting up each room, unpacking all the boxes, and cleaning! It was insane but we did it and it is a weekend I will NEVER forget. 

The house has changed soo much since we moved in and is definitely now our home. It is definitely a change of pace and I love the small town community, you definitely experience EVERY season up here (and lucky us had our first winter and the worst one they have had in a decade 🤦‍♀️ hello snow chains and shoveling feet of snow every morning after you just cleared it the day before 🤷‍♀️ definitely was a good workout), and see so much wild life every day! The boys love our adventures even if it is just walking around our street looking at all the trees and animals. Its funny how it seems as if we moved in just last weekend but at the same time I feel like we have owned this house for years! 

We have experienced so much this past year and I am excited to get even more involved in our community in the years to come and see how much continues to change as the years go by.

Allergies

it’s been a rough couple of months with Dillon. He has been having massive tantrums and started waking up to night terrors multiple times a night. It has been so challenging and I had no idea what was setting it all off. I started thinking about when they started and realized it was around the same time he started taking Zyrtec daily. We decided to try to wean him off of it and see what happened. Today is day 5 without it and I cannot believe the change. He hasn’t woken up the last 4 nights and he is already much more patient, relaxed, and loving. He’s still three and tests limits and has mild meltdowns but NOTHING compared to what was going on. It got to the point that I was afraid to go anywhere alone not knowing what was going to set him off and I was concerned about what was going on but to see this sweet boy back makes my momma heart happy and seriously there are moments when he has asked to snuggle or to hold mason that bring tears to my eyes because a week ago neither would have happened

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year

It’s hard to believe this was a year ago.

A year ago I seriously didn’t know how I was going to make it through each day and everyday seemed to drag on. I would wake up before Dillon, get a huge thing of water and snacks to make sure I stayed hydrated, get ready, drive to the hospital and sit with Dean waiting to see each doctor and get updates, then would drive home to play with Dillon for a few hours before he had to go to bed. I seriously couldn’t have done it without my parents and family constantly being there and taking over with Dillon and bring Dillon to visit when he was allowed too

but it was so exhausting physically being 9 months pregnant and driving back and forth and emotionally being torn between being with Dillon at home and being with Dean at the hospital. I seriously felt like it wasn’t going to end. Dean was exactly 30 days  post op when he woke me up because he was throwing up blood and we rushed to the ER.

The ER didn’t waste time and immediately got him a bed and through I don’t even know how many tests. It was the longest 3 days and I remember the panic and heart break like it happened yesterday. Just when I was feeling “safe” after his cancer diagnosis this happened and I once again was faced with the thought of losing my husband, not knowing how I would tell the boys, and the fear of raising the boys without Dean. Thankfully the bleeding stopped and they were able to send us home to all be together. I remember being relieved to be home and yet so scared. Every time he coughed I held my breath worried he would start bleeding again and at night I set alarms to make sure he was ok throughout the night. It was nice to have him home but we were also preparing for him to go into quarantine in just 3 short weeks. From October 13th to December 11th of 2017 I pretty much held my breath unsure of what would happen next just trying to keep life as normal as possible for Dillon and not let him feel our stress or worry. It was the longest three months of my life and I hope to NEVER repeat it. It seems like it was just yesterday and I still don’t know how we went through everything and know we never could have done it without my amazing family!
Then on December 12th we went to what wound up being my last dr appt as we were sent directly to the hospital to have a csection because of preeclampsia. It was one of the best days of my life and felt like it was Gods way of saying you made it, it’s all over, you are safe and now can enjoy this beautiful new life. Mason  was the rainbow after that terrible storm and I was so happy Dean was able to be there for his birth and that we were all healthy and together as a family of four to celebrate.

2018 has been a much better year full of family and making memories because 2017 made me realize how precious time is and how you never know what can happen in the blink of an eye. I will never forget last year but have chosen to use it as a blessing and eye opener to see what is truly important and remember to enjoy every minute, even the rough days. 

1 year

Dean had his one year scans and the results were pretty good but not exactly what we were hoping for. On his first follow up scans there was one enlarged lymph node that they weren’t sure if it was enlarged due to treatment or possibly cancerous so they decided to watch it. This scan the lymph node has grown not significantly but bigger. It’s still not definite that it’s cancer but they are a bit more concerned. Since it’s shape and size are still within “standards” they want to wait for the next set of scans before repeating treatment.
The positive is it doesn’t mean it is cancer and if it is it’s not that the cancer has returned it’s just that they didn’t get it all the first time which they explained could happen. But it still wasn’t the all clear we were hoping for and the idea of treatment again isn’t really something we wanted to hear. It also means we can’t begin the 10 year countdown. Once he has 10 years of clean scans it means his risk of getting cancer is the same as anyone else’s. It has taken me a little while to post this because I wanted to really digest it and be ok with it before posting. In all honesty waiting a couple months for more scans scares me because what could happen in that time but it hasn’t been fast growing to this point and I need to trust his doctors and also put this in God’s hands knowing he has a plan. Treatment is something else I’m just not ready for and not looking forward to in any way so I’m continuing to pray he won’t need it but I realize we have survived it once so we will get through it again, the quarantine just isn’t fun and I know it will be hard on the boys.
So overall good news we were just hoping to start marking off the years and hearing it was all clear. God has a plan and is there for us through everything we just need to trust in him and put this in his hands.

Slowing down

Some days are rough Mason will be extra fussy and won’t sleep or Dillon will figure out how to push every single one of my buttons and acts like he is trying to get in trouble and some days they both act up all day. But then there are the days when everything just flows and works.  Today we made a tissue paper turkey craft, banana muffins(Dillon made them almost completely on his own I just measured the ingredients and took them in and out of the oven) and now we are enjoying lunch. 

I asked Dillon if he liked his lunch and he said yea it’s really good thank you momma 

It seriously just made my day! He is so sweet and caring but sometimes life gets hectic and well he is 3 and still testing limits but I’m trying to slow down let him help even if it means a mess and enjoy our days and moments!