Social anxiety

I have always been very shy and as I have shared in previous blogs suffer from depression and anxiety. But something that started after I had Dillon was I have very bad social anxiety. It's not even shy, I seriously have panic attacks over it.
The idea of going somewhere makes me anxious but add meeting up with people or being gone for more than an hour and my palms are sweaty, my heart races, and I just want to cancel every plan I have.
It doesn't even have to be going to meet people even having people over gives me anxiety and it doesn't have to be new people or people I hardly see but even people that I love dearly.
That's my honest reason why I don't hangout very much anymore or grab lunch with friends. I have always been shy and well a bit antisocial I guess but more well I'm a home body but that was by choice now its due to anxiety.
The anxiety starts when I start making plans but I can usually talk myself down, then I wake up the morning of those plans and find every thing I possibly can to stay busy and not think about it. Then I get ready and get Dillon ready and start having a full blown panic attack. Once there or once friends come over I always have fun and am happy I was actually able to go. Then comes the drive home where I second guess everything I said and question if I looked like an idiot, offended anyone, talked enough, how Dillon was, how was I with Dillon (did I pay to much attention to him?), etc.
Another part of the social anxiety is big groups, if there are alot of people or conversations happening at once I start to freak out and just want to leave. Even in aisles at stores if there are to many people I will wait for it to calm done.
It is really odd and I have no idea why it has started but it is the reason I didn't have many people over once we got settled to meet Dillon or why I say "we need to get together" but never follow up, it is the reason I am very quiet in big groups and hardly ever invite people over.
Even writing this blog gives me anxiety and I have questioned writing it a million times. I don't want people to not make plans with me because they don't want to stress me out, more I want to explain why I have been distant and let you know if I reach out at all even via text I truly value our friendship and do want to see you its just is a little harder but I am working on it. And am going to stress myself out and push myself to join a mommy and me class so Dillon can be around kids and hopefully I can get through this.
I also started blogging again to relieve stress and hopefully help other moms know they aren't alone and let everyone know I love them and value them and am trying.

It's just a phase

Its crazy how little ones go through phases.
Dillon slept in his crib no problem until he was about 7 months old. Then he got really sick and after 2 urgent care visits, the ER, and a doctors appointment I worried having him in his crib so we decided to co-sleep while he was sick. Well obviously after two weeks of sleeping in momma and dadas bed the crib was no longer an option. Even naps he would wake up the second we laid him in the crib. So we have slowly been working on getting him back in the crib especially for naps.
But one thing that started along with co-sleeping is he no longer wanted to be rocked, he wanted to lay down next to us to fall asleep. A new phase that definitely took some getting used to.
Then about a week ago naps and bed time became a huge struggle and the past three days it takes over and hour and a half of picking him up and laying him down, him screaming bloody murder, and biting me to get him to finally fall asleep. Last night my sister came over after I had been trying over an hour to get him down and offered to give me a break. She took him in his room and bounced him like she used to when he was a baby and within minutes he was out. Today, his first nap I follow our routine and lay him down next to me. After about 10 minutes I decide to go in his room and rock him like I used to, what could it hurt. Miraculously within 5 minutes he was sound asleep AND IN HIS CRIB!

So nap number two for the day, I decide to try the rocking chair. . . three minutes, no struggle, no crying, no biting he is out and again in his crib!!

I guess this is just another phase and I'm totally loving it!! Reminds me of when he was just born and we lived in this rocking chair :)

Where did the time go

Tonight, I was sitting here looking on Pinterest, Google, buy buy baby, and Amazon for things for Dillon's first birthday party/pictures. I suddenly realized that we are a month and a half from him being a year old.
I almost felt like I was going to have a panic attack. How has his first year of life gone so quickly?

Everyone always tells you time flies but when you are going day to day, it is hard to realize how quickly time is ticking. Even though I have watched him hit various milestones, grow, and learn it still shocks me we are so close to the one year mark. I want to freeze time and just keep him as my baby forever but at the same time am eager to continue to watch him grow and achieve. I want to treasure every second even more, hug him a little tighter, and enjoy (well try to) washing bottles, changing diapers, and folding the endless piles of tiny baby clothes because I am realizing how that will eventually be a thing of the past.
Yes, he is only going to be one but with how quickly this year went I can only imagine how fast the next couple years will go.
As I am typing this one handed, my little man is snuggled up laying on my other arm. I love his snuggles and can't help but want to lay here with him while he sleeps , imagining all the glory his future will hold.

Every day with you is a blessing, Dillon. I love celebrating every little milestone (like learning how to get off the couch/bed without face planting) with you. I love watching how excited you get to watch Bob the builder, Mickey mouse, Paw Patrol, or Dinosaur train and how you start dancing to every song. I love watching your bond with your Dada, auntie, nana, and Papa and how excited you get to see friends or other kids. And most importantly I love when you wrap your tiny arms around me and give me hugs and kisses, or the smile you get when you see me, I love playing hide and seek with you, and watching you explore. Never lose your stubbornness or temper because with your strong will you can achieve anything you put your mind to and I hope you never lose that gleam of excitement in your eyes as you enter each day. God has big plans for you little man and if you follow his path I guarantee he has a wonderful adventure planned for you
Love forever and always
Xoxo
Your momma

Blue

Tonight I had one of what im sure will be a lifetime of heartstopping moments.  While giving Dillon his colic medication he choked and within seconds started turning blue. Everything stopped I couldn't hear or see anything but Dillon. In the middle of Dodger stadium time stood still.  Luckily we knew what to do and reacted quickly.  Hearing and seeing him screaming again and his color coming back was such a huge relief. . . In the moment I was fine but after the adrenaline wore off and the nerves took over. It took all of me not to completely fall apart. Holding him knowing he was ok but also how bad that could have been. On mother's day we were walking behind a toddler who began to choke and again those parents acted quickly but I stood with them until the little one was ok to help in any way and felt panicked waiting for that little one to breath normally again. Today was that feeling multiplied by 10. I know this was small but it still scared the living daylight out of me. I Love this little man with my whole being and am sure he will give us many more scares in various ways but I have an amazing support system and know together we will make sure he is fine and safe while still having fun.

Unplugged

I love to disconnect lately.  I find myself losing my phone a lot because I put it down and dont think about it for a few hours and then forget where I put it. The only time I really keep it on me now is when Dean or someone else has Dillon for a bit so I can try to get something done, when I am out and about driving just for safety, or to take a picture of my little man (even then most of my pictures are from someone else and sent to me including all the pictures on this blog post) I used to be so attached to my phone but now it can wait the snuggles and play time with my monster are so much more important. 
I also feel so free not having to have it on me 24/7. I can remember when my grandma was sick feeling like I couldnt look away from my phone just in case something happened, the same way again when my dad was sick I couldn't put it down incase there was an update then when my dad finally came home just not even wanting to look at my phone because I DIDNT HAVE TO carry it; he was home, heathly, and safe. After my grandma passed I didnt want to look at my phone either but because it was a reminder that I would no longer be getting updates from the hospital or my family. Than when I was at the end of my pregnancy I couldn't do much and was pretty much stuck on the couch or in bed (I was told it was only because I was 36+ weeks pregnant but found out it was the infection/pneumonia making me so weak and winded) so there was nothing better to do but constantly be on my phone. Then the last few weeks I had my phone all the time just in case I went into labor. Now it is so freeing to unplug and enjoy my little family and take in every second with Dillon because he will never be this small again and every day he changes.
I didn't realize how much time I spent on my phone until I am able to now walk away. Yes I dont upload pictures when they are taken, I dont immediately reply to text messages,  and I miss calls but its so worth it.

PCOS

It looks like my journey with PCOS is not over. One of my doctors had hoped the pregnancy would correct my hormones but 10 weeks post partum and its back and as bad if not worse than before.
I started treatment yesterday for it and am praying it helps. Its frustrating when I really just want to enjoy my baby but feel like my body hates me.
I feel this is just one way that I can help others though, by spreading awareness and talking about my trials and successes with PCOS.
Its funny because when I was finally diagnosed with PCOS we had been trying almost two years to conceive and the hope of a medication allowing me to have a baby was all that mattered. I didnt really research the illness just researched my options to become a mommy and what PCOS would do during pregnancy. Now I am finally learning about this chronic illness that affects me. Learning that things that have bothered me that I never thought were a symptom actually are caused by PCOS.
I have also learned how severe my PCOS had gotten. It was left undiagnosed for so long it just continued to escalate but now I have answers and options.
Together woman of PCOS can help eachother fight this, feel better, and find treatments.
Here we go. . .

Momsomnia

For years I have struggles with insomnia, not sleeping at all if I didnt take over the counter medication or taking at least three hours to fall asleep if I took over the counter medication. I also had to take prescription sleeping pills after not sleeping for 5-6 days in a row off and on. I remember dreading bedtime because I would just lay there frustrated I couldn't sleep. (I found out recently that is actually one of them many symptoms of pcos.)
While pregnant I didnt sleep well like most pregnant woman but didnt want to take sleeping medication just to be safe which is when I discovered essential oils.  I would put some lavender on my feet and the back of my neck and would sleep so well and fall asleep within an hour. It was amazing compared to any pill I had taken.
Now I laugh. . . The second I lay down I am sound asleep.  I say my prayers before bed and in the morning but have of my prayers before bed I fall asleep before finishing because I am that tired. Half tbe time i wake up for Dillon's middle of the night feeding to find out we never even turned off our bed side lights and wonder if we finished out pillow talk and who fell asleep first lol. Even in the middle of the night after feeding, burping, and carefully laying dillon back in his crib I immediately fall back asleep. Its amazing! Maybe the sleepless night have even more advantages :)

I, as I am sure many mommies, love the middle of the night feedings. Its a time to bond even more with my little man and snuggle him close while he falls back asleep. I know I wont get to do this forever or honestly for very long so I take advantage of it and enjoy it while I can. Granted some nights are harder than others and after 4am I seem to have a harder time waking up but for my little man it is all worth it and as I recently discovered has helped with my insomnia!