Finding Who I Am

If you know me you know I am usually the first to apologize, I don't hold grudges, I give everyone a second chance. . . And third . . . And fourth. . ., and I always continue to reach out and make an effort.
There is also a lot about me that people don't know. Things in my past that really effect me and make me feel insecure and weaker than I am. But over the last few years and especially last few months I have gotten tired of being the only one trying or being used only when other people are bored. Unfortunately this has resulted in me having to say goodbye to friendships but I have also made new friendships that are valued. I really appreciate everyone who takes time out of their day to see us or check on us and not because they have nothing better to do butchers they are making time for us and truly care. But i am still learning there are people that use me. I still have people that only make time for me when they have nothing else to do and if I am not available that day and time they get mad at me or people who never reach out to us or invite us out but expect me to invite them and constantly reach out to them. I am trying to not be used anymore but its never easy saying goodbye and I truly hate conflict and often try to smile and go alonWg with what other people want but now being a mommy I need to look out for my family and do what we want/need. Even if it does mean upsetting some people and standing up for myself. 
I need to show my son how to be stronger, yes still be forgiving and understanding, but to have a voice and opinion. I guess it is my mommy instincts making me want to set a good example and I realize that by hiding behind others and allowing them to make all the decisions just to avoid conflict is not healthy.
I started blogging to hopefully help others find their voice but to also help me find my voice. I want to explain how I am feeling to give others the chance to understand my choices and also to help other mommies struggling know they are not alone.
Thankfully I have a strong support system who not only knows what I have gone through but helps me to grow everyday and realize I AM STRONG!
Growing in my faith over these past few years has began to help me realize all of this and grow into the mommy I am now. I realize God has a plan for my family and I will have faith in it. Every situation I encounter is a learning experience and a chance to grow stronger. I will no longer be a doormat that is only noticed when you have no other way to get the dirt off your shoes. I will see beauty in myself and every situation, I will grow and learn from every obstacle, i will be the kind of woman I someday want Dillon to marry, I will set a good example, and I will continue to forgive and give second chances but I will also voice my opinion and make sure I am appreciated.
A couple weeks ago my dad said he no longer worries about me because I have my mommy strength and I laughed at the time but it is so true. By becoming Dillon's mommy I found a strength I didn't know I had and an ambition to be a better stronger person for him.
Thank you God for calling me to be a mommy and for helping me to see my true potential and beauty in you.

http://youtu.be/uWi5iXnguTU

Struggling with depression

 I refuse to feel ashamed and hope one day by me speaking about my struggles I help one person. 

I have struggled with anxiety and depression for over 5 years now and had a really hard time during my pregnancy because I chose to try to not take medications and struggle through the depression for the health of my unborn child. It wasn't easy especially when i had the horrible morning sickness for 20 weeks and could barely leave the house. But I made it with the support of my family and Husband.
I personally am now struggling horribly with post postpartum depression and find it hard to socialize and some days even function. Some of the weirdest things overwhelm me; for example having someone holding him for over about 15 minutes I begin to feel nervous I need to hold him and cuddle him to feel that bond we have, to know he is OK (even though i mentally know he is) it doesn't matter who it is, It is just a feeling of anxiety I get. Another example is being around groups of people, family, friends, or strangers; going out to dinner, going over to someones house, or having people over I feel anxiety and have to take a few deep breaths and make myself feel calm. 
It shocks me how much criticism i am under even when i'm trying my hardest to not only get out of bed but be a good mom, socialize, and take care of myself and my family. I am sorry if I am not able to see you one day, some days I just need to have lazy mom days and sit around the house and snuggle my baby. I feel bad telling people no but right now in order to take care of Dillon I have to focus on myself as well. I also have a routine we try to keep not only with Dillon but with myself so I have some consistency and throwing that off some days I can handle other days it isn't an option. Even sometimes it varies hour by hour, yesterday I was feeling amazing and then around 5pm everything hit me and I seriously could not even focus. . . Dillon wasn't overly fussy I just suddenly got extremely depressed and needed a break and needed to breathe. Please be understanding!
I love my new life as a mommy and postpartum depression is not like on the movies where the baby is what is making me depressed its actually the opposite he brightens my day and his snuggles calm and relax me. I am just dealing with depression which makes it harder to sooth him when he is upset because he feels my tension and sadness. And the tension and depression make it harder for me to see him crying or to be on little to no sleep and now facing colic. 
My family and Husband have saved me in so many ways, they take him when I need to breathe and are constantly making sure I am ok, if I need to hold him, if I need a break, and even taking him in the middle of the night when I just can't anymore. They also are so supportive with my depression constantly reminding me how strong I am and that I have no control over what I am experiencing. 
But i view everyday as another day I can try to grow stronger and beat this horrible disease. Some days are harder than others but every day I fight is another day I win and accomplish feeling better. I am no longer fighting this disease for myself but for my family and I hope i raise Dillon to realize depression and anxiety are not things to be ashamed of, my family was very open with it when I was growing up and now when I begin to struggle with it I know how to start fighting it and know to immediately talk to my family and doctors to get help because its not something you can fight alone. Please be aware that just because someone is smiling doesn't mean everything is OK and also don't judge people by the out side just because they look well doesn't mean they aren't struggling on the inside.

Unexpected changes

 I knew having a baby would bring so much joy and love into our lives but so much else has changed that I never could have expected. First, my love for my husband is completely different, watching him with Dillon is so amazing and knowing we made this adorable little human together is well weird lol but at the same time brings us together in a whole new way. Second, my respect for my body. To watch how much it changed and adapted and how it grew, supported, and delivered a life is incredible! I am embracing every stretch mark, my mommy pooch, and my incision scar because they are reminders of how truly amazing God designed our bodies and are love marks from carrying Dillon. Third, my belief in God. Dont get me wrong I have always believed in God but to watch this miracle grow and form and then to hold this baby and try to figure out how it fit in my body and even more crazy how my body formed it shows how God truly does work miracles and I feel so blessed he chose me to be a mommy and entrusted Dean and I with Dillon. Finally the one thing that has changed the most and I never expected was my family. We have always been very close but somehow we grew closer we bonded on a new level and we seriously are all best friends. Sarah and I have always been sisters but over these past ten months we have become the best of friends and are inseparable. I seriously cannot go an hour without thinking of something I want to tell her and cannot wait until our next adventure.I also love how amazing she is with Dillon and seeing their bond. After spending pretty much every hour of his first week of life with him he really does adore her and they will have an amazing bond for the rest of Dillon's life. Dillon is also so spoiled by you, I dont know any aunt who buys not one but two huge bounce houses for their nieces or nephews. I love how they have sunday night sleepover and am so thankful we get one night to clean and get some sleep before the week to come(we are blessed to have this opportunity). I also have a whole new respect for my parents Ann & Alan and one of my favorite things to do is to watch them interact with Dillon. We again have always been close but its so different now there is a different bond and connection we have. Thank you for allowing us to invade your house, take over your attic with toys and baby stuff, and for reminding us even though this isnt easy we are amazing parents and are doing great. I also love how close Dean and them have all become. Watching Dean interact wkth my family you would see a he has known them his whole life, he jusy fits perfectly into our craziness. I seriously cannot thank you four enough and am so blessed to call you all my best friends.
 Dealing with this depression has been hard but having your help and knowing you are there whenever I need anything is more help than I can ever explain. The times you take him so I can breath, clean, or get some rest is such a huge relief and how understanding you are that sometimes I just need to stay in PJ's, or helping me clean, do laundry, cooking for us, and reminding me to keep fighting, how to fight, and that i am doing my best, am a great mommy, this is depression is not my fault and is out of my control keeps me sane and gives me the courage and strength I need. I cannot thank you all enough. I am so overjoyed with how strong our bond has become and am excited to raise Dillon with the five of us always there when he needs anything and showering him with love and support every step of the way! God has truly blessed me and this past year has been so incredible.

Our first week as parents. . .

The first night went so well we were exhausted but so in love with our baby. I did not sleep much I stayed up breastfeeding and admiring my little man, still trying to believe I was a Mommy! The next day I was on morphine and well really out of it. I don't remember who really visited or what was said and I apologize for that but as we would soon find out it was out of my control. I peaked a fever of 102 and couldn't seem to break it. The doctors decided to run blood work and an x-ray still not completely with it I asked to stop the morphine and try a different pain killer. When they began to check the baby and draw his blood I started realizing maybe something was wrong. I was then told to stop breastfeeding until I was 24 hours without a fever. But still everything seemed fine and we continued enjoying our baby. At the shift change the nurses came in and since my family was still exhausted from the 39 hours they were with us waiting for Dillon to arrive they decided to go home for the night. 

Suddenly everything changed, my nurse started panicking put me on oxygen and started talking about transferring me. We immediately called my family to come back and help us try to understand what was happening. Apparently my heart rate was 150 (it should be under 100), my oxygen level was 80% when it should be 98-100%, my white blood cell count was 40000 when it should be 10000, and I still had a high fever. My parents got back and they told Dean and them I was being transferred to Cardiac Intensive Care Unit and they were thinking I had pneumonia and possibly sepsis. I was told I would be separated from the baby and I again panicked, I barely had him not even 24 hours and already had to say good bye. 

I stayed in the CICU until March 8th, 2015 and hated every second. I would keep the door and drape closed because what was outside of my room was more depressing that being stuck in my small room without my baby. I began getting very depressed. . . I had a hard time knowing my son was in the Nursery and I was not allowed to be with him let alone see him. Normally only the dad and mom are allowed in the nursery but with our circumstances they allowed Sarah to be in the nursery with him as well. Between Dean and Sarah, Dillon was never alone and between my mom, dad, and dean neither was I. Unfortunately Dillon's white blood count was elevated so he had to go on antibiotics for five days. Sarah and Dean were great at sending me pictures but by day two of the CICU the post-partum depression set in really bad, but I had reason for it to. I really had no memory of my baby the hours I spent with him I was so out of it from the infection, fever, and morphine. I feared I may never see him again or hear him again and if that happened I would have no memory of him just pictures or he would have no memory of me just a handful of pictures of us together. 

My family was even more amazing at this point, they set it up with the Nursery and surprised me by face-timing me with the baby.

I wanted to sign myself out of the hospital, I was done! On March 8th, 2015 I was finally transferred to DOU a step down from CICU. Even though I was not back at the maternity floor I was at least getting better and my nurses said they would wheel me down to see my baby, even though I couldn't go into the nursery I could at least see him through the glass! I stayed in the DOU from the 8th to the 9th I was in the DOU and if I was able to go 24 hours without a fever I could hold my baby!! OMG the hours dragged on but at 5am on the 9th I was being wheeled down to the nursery. Walking into the nursery was surreal, I was so nervous and excited. Then Dean brought my son to me and placed him in my arms, FINALLY!

Later that morning, we were told Dillon was going to be released from the hospital, I was devastated all of my dreams of bringing my baby home went out the window knowing Dean would bring the baby home and I would stay in the hospital. But then I was told I was being transferred back to maternity! The hospital once again made an exception and allowed me to keep Dillon in my DOU room until we got a room on the maternity floor. Dean got him in the carseat and signed all the discharge paperwork and brought him to my room. 

The night of the 9th we got a room in Maternity and the morning of the 10th we got the news I would be released from the hospital. We found out I had a infection where the umbilical cord attached to me and pneumonia. When we were finally discharged Dean went to pull the car around my mom pushed the stroller and the nurse wheeled me out. I will never forget that moment, Dean said the couple in front of us had the nurse take 100 pictures, we walked out threw everything in the car and took off as quick as possible. After 6 days in the hospital WE WERE DONE! We did take one picture in our room before leaving but other than that we couldn't wait to be home.

It felt so good to pull into our drive way, walk into the front door, and start this new chapter in our life as a family.

Delivering Dillon

I was induced on March 4th, 2015 after going past my due date of March 3rd, 2015 and with the baby measuring two weeks ahead my doctor decided it would be best to induce me. I was admitted to the hospital at 11am at 2 cm dilated and they began inducing my labor at noon.

After 18 hours I was given an epidural. As many people know if you get a epidural you have to have a catheter. I had told my nurses I was allergic to latex and when they asked the reaction I told them that I turn red when every I wear bandaids. Apparently this was not written in my chart. After getting the catheter I began having burning my heart rate jumped and the babies heart rate began to drop. My mom luckily mentioned I was allergic to latex and asked if that could cause it. The nurse quickly removed it and said we were going into shock. I was given benadryl and they stopped inducing my labor until my doctor could come in. They got a latex free catheter and luckily our heart rates leveled out. I was having strong contractions and they were about two minutes apart and regular. My nurses would check me and be sure I was progressing only to be surprised to find out I was only at 3 cm. The baby was not dropping and even though I was having good contractions my cervix just wasn't progressing. My Doctor came in the morning of the 5th and broke my water and began pitocin. 

35 hours from the time they began to induce my labor I was still at 3cm and they decided to do a c-section. I was so relieved and excited to finally meet our son!

When I was wheeled into the OR my epidural seemed to have worn off. The anesthesiologist checked it and found out that it had been pulled out. He then decided to do a Spinal block, I was so nervous sitting on the table alone (Dean wasn't allowed in until just before they were going to start) and not knowing what the spinal block would feel like, it wasn't too bad but I was having some pressure the anesthesiologist said he was half way done when the nurse asked how I was doing, I made the mistake of telling them I was having pressure, the anesthesiologist decided he should start over and add more numbing medicine because I shouldn't have to deal with any discomfort. I am glad he was concerned about my comfort but wish he would have just finished instead of having to do it all over again. I then laid on the bed listening to all of the nurses talk about their day and week ahead. I waited wondering when they would put the drape up so I wouldn't have to see anything and when they would let my husband back. They put the drape up, strapped down my arms, started me on some oxygen, the doctor came in and started prepping, and finally Dean came to sit by my side. They announced the first cut at 8:29 and ten minutes later we heard our little boy cry for the first time! The Doctor held him up and I began to cry. 

Dean went to watch them clean him up and weigh him and I laid there listening. It was adorable, Dean was so amazed and listening to him talk to his son, admire his son, and fall in love with his son was the cutest thing I had ever heard. He weighed in at 8lbs 8 oz and was 19 3/4 inches long. 

He was perfect and everything we could have ever dreamed of.

Becoming a Mommy

I, for years, struggled with female issues. My periods were always heavy, my cramps were so bad for days I was stuck in bed throwing up, they were always irregular, and I was continuously getting ovarian cysts. I was put on birth control to try to "regulate my hormones" but all they did was make me a emotional roller coaster. When I went off of them my symptoms only got worse... finally after being married for a year we were told we should try to conceive because there was a chance I would not be able to and it would hopefully "regulate my hormones". By this point my cramps lasted a week before I would start, the week of my cycle, and the week after my cycle and my cycles lasted around 42 days instead of the normal 28. So we started tracking everything like my doctor said, after a year of trying, we realized it wasn't working and after starting even more tracking I wasn't ovulating. My doctor started me on hormone treatment to try to get me to ovulate I was allowed to do three rounds of the hormone and on the third round not only did we get that dreaded negative test but I was in so much pain they sent me for an ultrasound. I, at that point, had three ovarian cysts and had to have surgery. My follow up from surgery my doctor said the words no woman ever wants to hear, "You most likely won't be able to conceive". She went on to tell me I could try in-vitro fertilization but there was not a high chance of that working since I was not ovulating and as for my symptoms here exact words were "you will just have to be on pain killers the rest of your life".

      Now, let me back track a little bit. For months I would "have symptoms" and get my hopes up that for the first time I would see a little positive sign on the test, I would dream of how I would tell my husband or our families or announce it to all our friends but every month I would see the negative and tell myself it was ok and it would happen next month even though I would be so upset on the inside, I would feel as though I was failing as a woman and as a wife, and I would feel my dream of being a mommy was drifting farther and farther away. 

Walking out of the doctors I was just in shock, didn't know what to say, we got in the car and I fell apart. Dean and I spent hours discussing it and decided we wanted to get a second opinion and find a new doctor. We also decided we would begin the adoption process in January of 2015 if we had not conceived then and we would pray and trust in God's plan. The first few months, I won't lie, I did not want to have to fall back on adoption and I would still get my hopes up just to be disappointed by a negative. Dean started talking to some friends from school and one of them suggested I ask my doctor about PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and if diagnosed to ask to try Metformin a medication that not only helps with the symptoms but also helps with infertility. We met with a new doctor and brought up the PCOS he looked over my medical history and after testing finally diagnosed me with PCOS. I began the metformin in March and my doctor said if I was not pregnant after three months to make another appointment and we could adjust the dosage. My symptoms started to get better and my cycles went down to a normal 28 days and for the first time ever I got a positive ovulation test! But on day 28 I started my period and was beyond disappointed. The first month I had a positive ovulation test but the next two months never showed a positive ovulation test. By the middle of June my "symptoms" were starting to get worse again and I scheduled a appointment for June 30th. June 24th Dean's birthday I realized it was day 28 of my cycle and I had not started but I figured my cycle would just be longer again. June 27th I decided to take a pregnancy test and not tell Dean because I "knew it would never be positive".

 I took the test that morning after Dean left for school and walked away as I always did. I came back and there was a positive!! No, that cant be right I must be seeing things, so I walked away again (as if some how the positive would change). OMG IT IS STILL POSITIVE!!!!! And that is the day I found out I would become a MOMMY!

 I was 4 weeks and 6 days but the struggles of becoming a mommy didn't stop there. . . My first Ultrasound the sac was empty and the technician told Dean and I "not to get our hopes up the chances the pregnancy was viable were slim and I should prepare myself to never hear the heartbeat and we should not tell anyone because our next ultrasound we would most likely find out I miss carried". I didn't even wait to get in the car this Dr. appointment I started crying and could hardly breath! The day that was supposed to be one of the best days of our lives, the day we saw our baby for the first time, became one of the worst days of my life. We scheduled an appointment for two weeks later and went home to wait through what would be the LONGEST two weeks of our lives. After crying for a couple hours I finally told myself again it was all part of God's plan and at least we found out I could conceive. Now I decided to have faith in God's plan but still found myself crying daily and just praying my baby would stay strong and be healthy. I had to change doctors again... because my doctor was moving out of state, so my follow up ultrasound was at the new doctors office, but I had to have an appointment first. I met with their midwife who was available that day and she decided to do an ultrasound to "rest my nerves" but instead it still was an empty sac. She told me maybe my weeks were just off and we would still schedule my follow up ultrasound but I still cried. There was supposed to be a baby by this point and even a heartbeat but instead nothing! Finally my follow up ultrasound, we had my mom go with us just to be safe because we knew if the ultrasound was as all the doctors had warned us, neither of us would be able to drive home. The wait in the lobby was excruciating, the walk to the room was miles long, and the moments between her starting the ultrasound and us seeing the screen seemed like hours. I laid on the bed and Dean stood next to me holding my hand and my mom next to him. The room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop, the nerves were high, and I held my breath. All of the sudden there was a sound. . . a beating. . . and the technician turned the monitor to reveal not only our baby but that the sound was the babies heart beat. We all started crying! I will never forget the technicians face, she was caught off guard, we told her what had happened the weeks prior and she started crying. She said she wished she would have known because she wouldn't have waited to tell us everything was ok! 

First Ultrasound

First time seeing our baby and hearing the heartbeat

The next 40 weeks were still eventful and we had a few hurdles to overcome but it was all worth it and we didn't care because WE WERE HAVING A BABY!!