Struggling with depression

 I refuse to feel ashamed and hope one day by me speaking about my struggles I help one person. 

I have struggled with anxiety and depression for over 5 years now and had a really hard time during my pregnancy because I chose to try to not take medications and struggle through the depression for the health of my unborn child. It wasn't easy especially when i had the horrible morning sickness for 20 weeks and could barely leave the house. But I made it with the support of my family and Husband.
I personally am now struggling horribly with post postpartum depression and find it hard to socialize and some days even function. Some of the weirdest things overwhelm me; for example having someone holding him for over about 15 minutes I begin to feel nervous I need to hold him and cuddle him to feel that bond we have, to know he is OK (even though i mentally know he is) it doesn't matter who it is, It is just a feeling of anxiety I get. Another example is being around groups of people, family, friends, or strangers; going out to dinner, going over to someones house, or having people over I feel anxiety and have to take a few deep breaths and make myself feel calm. 
It shocks me how much criticism i am under even when i'm trying my hardest to not only get out of bed but be a good mom, socialize, and take care of myself and my family. I am sorry if I am not able to see you one day, some days I just need to have lazy mom days and sit around the house and snuggle my baby. I feel bad telling people no but right now in order to take care of Dillon I have to focus on myself as well. I also have a routine we try to keep not only with Dillon but with myself so I have some consistency and throwing that off some days I can handle other days it isn't an option. Even sometimes it varies hour by hour, yesterday I was feeling amazing and then around 5pm everything hit me and I seriously could not even focus. . . Dillon wasn't overly fussy I just suddenly got extremely depressed and needed a break and needed to breathe. Please be understanding!
I love my new life as a mommy and postpartum depression is not like on the movies where the baby is what is making me depressed its actually the opposite he brightens my day and his snuggles calm and relax me. I am just dealing with depression which makes it harder to sooth him when he is upset because he feels my tension and sadness. And the tension and depression make it harder for me to see him crying or to be on little to no sleep and now facing colic. 
My family and Husband have saved me in so many ways, they take him when I need to breathe and are constantly making sure I am ok, if I need to hold him, if I need a break, and even taking him in the middle of the night when I just can't anymore. They also are so supportive with my depression constantly reminding me how strong I am and that I have no control over what I am experiencing. 
But i view everyday as another day I can try to grow stronger and beat this horrible disease. Some days are harder than others but every day I fight is another day I win and accomplish feeling better. I am no longer fighting this disease for myself but for my family and I hope i raise Dillon to realize depression and anxiety are not things to be ashamed of, my family was very open with it when I was growing up and now when I begin to struggle with it I know how to start fighting it and know to immediately talk to my family and doctors to get help because its not something you can fight alone. Please be aware that just because someone is smiling doesn't mean everything is OK and also don't judge people by the out side just because they look well doesn't mean they aren't struggling on the inside.