1 week

It has been 1 week since everything happened. I remember wanting answers the entire process but then when we got them it all happened so quickly and I felt like I couldn't catch by breath let alone process what was happening.
Surgery wise I am healing, today is day 2 on my own with the boys and back to our routine. The first couple days were rough and the pain of climbing stairs or trying to move would literally take my breath away and I would get nauseous. The swelling is intense and my left side is still quite tender but it is improving and honestly when I think what all my body has gone through it's pretty amazing how quickly our bodies can heal. After 4 days I was able to move better and start to get back to some what normal but also began to process.
Emotionally healing has been different. When we were going through the process I didnt know how to feel. I was sad at the thought of losing the baby but didnt have answers and barely had time to even realize I was pregnant. It wasnt until I was laying on the operating table that I really realized I had lost a baby. By that point the baby had already passed but the thought of being pregnant was still so new that losing the baby was hard to comprehend. It wasnt until day 2 of healing that it really really hit me. Then on top of losing a baby your body goes on a hormonal roller coaster as it gets rid of the hcg. I didnt realize how hormonal I would be since it was still so early on. The weirdest things will remind me or hit me and it will take everything to hold it together. But I know it will just take time to heal and am constantly reminding myself this is all part of God's plan.
I want to say thank you to everyone who can called, sent text messages, commented on facebook and stopped by. I cannot explain how much it means to me and how each of you have helped make this a little chapter in Dean and my life a little easier.

Just keep Smiling

Something I do when I'm in pain or uncomfortable or trying not to cry is I smile. I act as if nothing is wrong and smile pushing forward trying to not completely fall apart. This throws a lot of people off because when they believe I should be sad or crying I'm sitting there smiling but what people don't understand is I am using every ounce of my strength to keep that smile and not fall apart. Through this I don't think many doctors and nurses could understand why i wasn't crying but i hate crying or being in pain in front of people. So until the very last second until I cannot hold it together any longer I will smile. I broke down a couple times in the ER and when I was on the operating table but for the most part just pushed through it all. Don't get me wrong I have cried with my family it just isn't me to cry in front of friends or strangers.  Yes I may seem completely fine, still smiling, and like nothing is wrong but at times it is taking every bit of me to push forward and keep smiling.
Day 3 post surgery I woke up to a facebook memory of us announcing we were pregnant with Dillon and it hit me, we should be doing the same for baby #3, actually we should have announced it a week prior because baby #3 would have been due one week before Dillons Birthday and that was hard, actually that whole day was pretty hard.
Then at Masons doctors appointment  his doctor was talking about how every child is unique and special and truly a gift from God, not knowing what I had just gone through, and it took all of me to smile and push through.
My hormones are still regulating so I find myself crying more than usual but I know it is ok and normal. I dont mind talking about everything sometimes it actually helps me to process and understand what still seems like a blur. Don't be afraid to talk about the baby or to ask questions even if I'm smiling and you can't tell if I'm trying not to cry I will be ok I am strong and God will get me through this.

The boys

Throughout everything I have always wanted one thing. I wanted the boys to be ok and have as much normalcy as possible. I wanted to keep as much of the stress and emotions away from them and make sure their days still go forward like nothing is going on.
One day I will tell them, one day i will explain, but not today not right now they are still to little. We do discuss death with Dillon and he grasps some of it but just not everything. We explain we go home to heaven to be with God but he still doesnt quite understand we dont come back. Lately he has been asking for a brother or sister, in fact two weeks before everything started he was sitting on the couch and out of no where announced, mommy's pregnant. I asked where he heard that and told him we dont just say that because it isnt true, little did we know. So I dont want to get him excited for a sibling since he doesnt quite understand they won't be here on earth with us.
The boys have been great, Mason has been being a little more independent which is helpful but still a mommas boy and Dillon has been a huge help getting things for me or holding my hand when I walk.
When the drs first didnt know what was going on they said if it was a miscarriage I could take a medication to clear it out but would need to stop breastfeeding for 28 days, I told Dean I would not take it because I was already losing a baby I wasnt going to lose my breastfeeding journey with Mason as well. There was no way I was going to cut Mason off cold Turkey and have him crying and wanting to nurse while i was going through a miscarriage, I would not lose everything at once.
In the end it didnt matter where it was and with the internal bleeding my only option was laparoscopic surgery and removing a fallopian tube.
I knew the surgery meant I would have to rest for a few days and the boys are not used to that so I needed ways to distract them and keep them having fun and help Dean find a little sanity in the chaos. To get us through the few days mommy was stuck on the couch I got fun projects for the boys and daddy to do. Yesterday they made homemade bouncy balls and today stepping stones both were a huge hit and the boys had so much fun. Dean also took them swimming and played with them as much as possible to keep them from climbing all over me. With Dean normally working 6 days a week and most of the days all day it was a fun adjustment for all of them and they all really bonded these past few days. My parents and sister have also been a huge help holding Mason and playing with the boys as much as they can when they aren't working.
I know I cant shelter them from everything and I know they still felt a bit of the stress and weirdness these past few days but I cant thank Dean, my parents, and my sister enough for making sure the boys were taken care of and had fun even when everything was so hectic and upside down

My feelings throughout this process

When everything first started before we even knew we were pregnant, I told Dean how mean of a trick it would be that my body finally, finally did what it was supposed to do and got pregnant with out medication, without testing, without months of heartbreak after yet another negative pregnancy test, just to miscarry the baby.
When I decided to take a pregnancy test I was so sure I wasnt pregnant I took it after Dean went to work knowing I would see a Negative but just taking it to prove to myself I was only having a period (I know this sounds ridiculous but with infertility I did this quite often because my cycles were irregular and I would start to get my Hope's up and would have to take a test to prove to myself I wasnt pregnant) but this time was shocked to see it was positive
Then when we found out we were pregnant the doctor asked if this was a desired pregnancy and I said we weren't trying to get pregnant but it is so nice to be surprised and just get pregnant without all the struggle of infertility and we were obviously ecstatic to welcome another little miracle into our family.
Throughout all of the testing I would start to get my hopes up that maybe the pregnancy would be viable and would have to remind myself everything against me to ground myself. Everytime I felt nauseous, everytime my hcg went up, and everytime the doctors wouldn't find anything I would become hopeful that my baby was ok and just a few weeks behind. But would remind myself that it wasnt just the ultrasound, the hcg was to low, the amount of bleeding wasnt normal, and the clotting wasnt normal. I felt like I was constantly tearing myself down but I was so afraid to get even more hopeful and then be told my baby didnt make it.
At every appt they asked how many pregnancies, and how many live births and I hated that question I dont know why it bothered me so much maybe because I feel like to so many it's a reminder of the little ones they lost. Even though I didnt know the end of this chapter I would respond 3 and so far 2 because I was hopeful it would say 3 and 3 one day.
But after 9 days hope had built up, life with three kids was imagined, and pregnancy tracking apps were downloaded. Even though I knew I shouldn't there is no way to not get your hopes up.
When they finally diagnosed it an ectopic pregnancy I felt betrayed, betrayed my body could play such a sick joke on me. Betrayed because the one time i dont get broken down by infertility I instead lose my baby. Betrayed by myself for getting my hopes up only to have them crushed and make this loss that much harder.
But I remembered how truly blessed I am, blessed my body carried two pregnancies to term and gave me my two beautiful healthy boys, blessed to have been able to get pregnant again because after Dean's cancer and treatment there was a chance it would be even harder to conceive, blessed to have family and friends to pray for me and support me. Blessed. And even in the darkest hardest time I never blamed God or got angry with my faith instead I prayed for strength, guidance, and thanked God for allowing me to be a mommy to now three little ones. Even though this was hard even though I hate how my body never cooperates and causes me so much pain I know God has a plan and there will be a rainbow at the end of every storm and next time they ask how many pregnancies I have had even though it will be hard I will smile and say three knowing that our little one even though never in our hands will always be in our hearts.

After talking to my obgyn

My obgyn called today to check in after surgery. I asked her the odds of this happening again if we were to decide to try for another baby. She said my odds are slightly raised but she feels I can have a healthy pregnancy and the odds of this happening again are so low. This made me feel a little better but I am honestly still scared to death with the thought of going through this again.
She then said she really thinks this was just all a really bad accident and wasnt caused by scare tissue or anything blocking the egg like most other ectopic pregnancies. She said I had very minimal scare tissue nothing that should have blocked the pregnancy from moving and the scare tissue I did have they cleaned out. This scared me more. I would have rather heard there was a lot of scare tissue on that fallopian tube but my other one looks great so I dont need to worry but since my body just decided to implant the egg outside the uterus for no reason really worries me it may happen again.
I know It probably lessons my odds more but on the other hand if my body did it once why wouldn't it do it again.
She also surprised me and said we only need to wait two weeks before trying to have a baby. We were not trying when we got pregnant and are no where near ready to try again. I was expecting to hear 3-6 months not two weeks. Not only do I think my body needs more time to heal but emotionally I need more time to heal and decide if we really want another little one and risk going through this again.
Still trusting God and leaning on him to guide me and either give me peace to try again or peace to know our family is complete.

Where do I begin.

Through the entire process Dean and I stayed pretty quiet partially hoping it would all work out and we would be able to announce we were expanding our family. Even though we weren't trying for a third we would have loved to welcome another baby into this world. But that isnt what God had planned for us right now and even though we will never understand why it was so easy to conceive this little baby and then have to lose the pregnancy we are trusting he has a plan bigger than we can comprehend.
There were many reasons Dean and I didnt think we were expecting. I was still breastfeeding, I just started having my monthly cycle, we weren't trying, I had not missed a cycle since starting them in May, and we usually struggle with infertility. All of this made this whole situation that much more confusing.
July 2nd I started having what I thought was my 3rd monthly cycle since having Mason but I was thrown off because it was 2 weeks early. For the next couple days I had a feeling something wasnt right because it was a lot heavier than normal and I was exhausted.
July 6th I started having really bad clotting which is not normal for me but again since this is only my third cycle since having Mason thought maybe it was just my body still regulating but I told Dean I was a little concerned because this just wasnt normal. We agreed if it hadn't stopped by Tuesday we would take a pregnancy test just to be safe because it seemed as if I was having a miscarriage even though I had not missed a cycle.
Tuesday morning july 9th Dean went to work and I decided to take a test just to ease my mind because I was 99% sure I wasnt pregnant, we usually struggle with infertility and it has taken over a year to get pregnant each time we tried to have the boys so there was no way that us being careful and not trying to get pregnant would result in a pregnancy, right? Wrong. The test came back positive I called Dean and told him I thought I was miscarrying and I would call my doctor as soon as they opened. When I called my obgyn she immediately told me to go to urgent care.
Once at urgent care it just all became a waiting game. All the blood work showed I was pregnant but the ultrasound didnt show anything and I should be 6 weeks + 6 days pregnant by the dates. They decided maybe my dates were wrong (I knew they weren't having dealt with infertility I know to track everything). I was told to come back in 48 hrs for another blood test.
Thursday I go in and they said they expected my hcg to be falling to show I was having an early miscarriage but instead it went up by about 50%. They did another ultrasound but still could not see any viable pregnancy or any ectopic pregnancy in the fallopian tubes. They told me to follow up with my ob and hopefully by the next week my hcg would be high enough to see on an ultrasound. (Sometimes you cannot see a pregnancy until your hcg level is at 2500 I was at 900).
My obgyn had me do more bloodwork Sunday and then scheduled me to come in on Tuesday. Sunday my HCG levels once again went up about 50% so we were feeling hopeful for answers on Tuesday.
Tuesday july 16th I went in to my obgyn and she said she thought it could be a possible ectopic pregnancy with the amount of bleeding I was still having but there was still a 50% chance it would be a viable pregnancy and I was just too early to see anything. I didnt really consider ectopic pregnancy because I have never had issues with pregnancy once I was pregnant and didnt have any issues with my fallopian tubes when they did all the infertility testing. But what I found out was csections and abdominal surgeries increase your chances of ectopic pregancy. I have had two csection plus a laparoscopic surgery on my ovaries 5 years ago to remove ovarian cysts. Still at this point I was convinced it was just a miscarriage or maybe just maybe there was a chance somehow the dates were off and I was just too early to see anything. She sent me for more bloodwork and told me to keep my phone on me she would call as soon as she received it. 1 hour after the blood test she called and said the numbers only went up 35% if that happens 3 times then they consider it a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy because it is not rising sufficiently so she told me to do more bloodwork thursday and then again sunday and go in for a follow up ultrasound Sunday but if I had any cramping, dizziness, or nausea go straight to urgent care.
Thursday I went for my bloodwork expecting another 35% or less rise only to have it go up over 50%. My doctor called and said she was really confused this isnt normal but there was still a good chance for a viable pregnancy to go in for the ultrasound on Sunday or if I started having any symptoms go straight in.
Around 8pm thursday night I was feeling extremely weak, nauseous and started cramping and just knew something wasnt right so we headed to urgent care. They did an ultrasound and still could not find anything but said the obgyn on call wanted me transported to the ER for further evaluation because at this point it was considered an ectopic pregnancy they just needed to locate the pregnancy since my hcg was at 2703.
I was transported by ambulance to the ER where they ran more blood work had me evaluated by the obgyn team and then ordered another ultrasound. I was frustrated because there were so many questions and yet nothing being found and you could tell they were frustrated as well because they knew something wasnt right but couldn't just go in blind trying to find it in surgery. The ultrasound showed blood in my abdomin and a lot of swelling on my left fallopian tube and ovary so they had me do more images and finally found the ectopic pregnancy in my ovary. The doctor said ovarian ectopic pregnancy are extremely rare (about 1 in 60,000) and with the amount of swelling it was hard to find it but they knew with the internal bleeding it was definitely ectopic and they needed to find it. I was given a bed in the trauma center and told it may be a few hours until surgery. Before I could even get into the hospital gown the OR called down and told my nurse they were sending someone to bring me up. Within 30 mins I was on the operating table.
I remember repeating it's all happening so quickly on the way to preop. We had gone 9 days of waiting and no answers to then 12 hrs in urgent care looking like we were still not going to get answers to suddenly having answers and being taken into the OR in less than 2 hours. There was no time to process or think about what was happening it just needed to be done because the internal bleeding needed to be stopped and they wanted the ectopic pregnancy out before it ruptured.
As hard as it was to play the waiting game and then have it all a race at the end I'm glad it went quickly towards the end because there wasnt much time to get nervous or to really dwell on everything that was happening. And I'm glad my doctors really took the time to figure out what was going on and didnt just schedule me for a d&c or give me the medication for miscarriage when they couldn't find it on the ultrasound but thought I was miscarrying.
God has a plan for our family and I know there is a rainbow at the end of this storm so for now I will trust in him and snuggle my two little boys as much as I can.

Finally answers and closure but also pain

We were surprised to find out we were expecting last Tuesday but the excitement wasn't there because we knew something was wrong. We went to urgent care and have been coming out to Loma linda every other day. Thursday night we went to urgent care for complications and they transferred me by ambulance to the ER. After all night of tests and various doctors we finally got answers. I know I'm skipping alot but I'm still processing and extremely overwhelmed and on no sleep.
Also love this hospital they have been amazing and my ER doctor and nurses just came and prayed with me before I go to surgery.
As they wheeled me in the OR it suddenly hit me. The OR looked identical to the one I had mooses csection is. The nurse didnt let me be put under immediately and said the dr was running to talk to me first. Sure enough she literally came running in. I completely fell apart and thanked her as I cried and she started crying as well. She reassured me there was nothing I could have done to avoid this and that just seeing how happy the boys are how she can see how much of a loving and good mother I was and how this baby is so lucky to have had me as a mommy to. The entire surgical room stopped and prayed around me which was extremely calming. I thanked her and thanked her she was incredibly cautious and kept doing more and more testing and without her I may not have found it. She held my hand and talked to me until the last second I was under being sure I wasnt laying alone in the cold sterile hospital room.
The hospital was also a huge blessing and everyone went out of there way to bend protocol to allow me to breastfeed Mason and have him by my side when I/he needed him/he needed me. I was determined to not lose this breastfeeding journey and lose a baby at the same time and they were all parents and completely understood. Even allowing me to breastfeed as being rolled into the pre anesthesia room to get prepped.
It's hard to grieve a baby you didnt know about until you were losing it but after 2 weeks of "hope" and back and forth that it may be viable it's also impossible to not fall in love and start imagining life with another little one. It also normally takes over a year of trying and various infertility medications to even conceive for us so it was so nice for once to not have all of the struggle and heart break to get pregnant but was 100x harder to lose a baby you already had Hope's and dreams for even if it was a surprise.
Sorry this is long, just venting as I struggle through the pain and recovery. They had to remove one of my fallopian tubes and found bleeding in my abdomen from the ectopic pregnancy that was pooling. But they saved my other fallopian tube and both ovaries which is a huge blessing. I dont know what the future holds for Dean and I and honestly we have both discussed being thankful for the beautiful boys we have and not trying for more kids and risking this again but at least the Drs gave me that option. I will post more of how we knew we were miscarrying later on. Right now I am in quite a bit of pain even though it was done laparoscopically the dr had to stretch the right incision to remove the tube and warned there would most likely be bruising and more pain which boy was she right. I'm excited to snuggle my babies a little tighter now and get back to being able to enjoy our lives and not be on stand by hoping/waiting but at the same time jumping at every twinge afraid it may be ectopic and rupturing and definitely over be stuck at home (the boys definitely have cabin fever).
Huge huge thank you to my family who always always have my back and have been there and continue to be ther every step of the way and who allowed me to be grumpy and snap at them on and off these past few days even though they didnt deserve any of it. And especially to Dean who while also experiencing a loss has been my rock and so strong through everything.
Also cannot say enough about my DRs and Hospital. Loma linda went above and beyond. This was truly a mystery and every dr I meant supported me and cried with me and was there for me with hugs and making sure I knew exactly what they knew and what they were doing even if they didnt even quite know. The location the pregnancy implanted was not only extremely rare but also hidden so my body did not make this easy on them. My daily OB even made a point to stop by in the OR during surgery even though it technically was the OR drs case just to be sure I was ok. My obs, ER teams, and chief residents on staff came to radiology while I was testing to review every image with the radiologist and have every eye on the exam to hopefully finally have answers something the tech has never seen. And the first ER doctor found me 12 hours after check in to follow up, cry with me, and pray with me as well. The level of care was above anything I could have ever asked for and God truly guided each one of the individuals I encountered and put them exactly where they needed to be when they needed to be there.
And finally thank you to everyone for checking up on, calling/texting, offering to help, praying, and honestly being more like family in a time when I was so lost and heartbroken.