My feelings throughout this process

When everything first started before we even knew we were pregnant, I told Dean how mean of a trick it would be that my body finally, finally did what it was supposed to do and got pregnant with out medication, without testing, without months of heartbreak after yet another negative pregnancy test, just to miscarry the baby.
When I decided to take a pregnancy test I was so sure I wasnt pregnant I took it after Dean went to work knowing I would see a Negative but just taking it to prove to myself I was only having a period (I know this sounds ridiculous but with infertility I did this quite often because my cycles were irregular and I would start to get my Hope's up and would have to take a test to prove to myself I wasnt pregnant) but this time was shocked to see it was positive
Then when we found out we were pregnant the doctor asked if this was a desired pregnancy and I said we weren't trying to get pregnant but it is so nice to be surprised and just get pregnant without all the struggle of infertility and we were obviously ecstatic to welcome another little miracle into our family.
Throughout all of the testing I would start to get my hopes up that maybe the pregnancy would be viable and would have to remind myself everything against me to ground myself. Everytime I felt nauseous, everytime my hcg went up, and everytime the doctors wouldn't find anything I would become hopeful that my baby was ok and just a few weeks behind. But would remind myself that it wasnt just the ultrasound, the hcg was to low, the amount of bleeding wasnt normal, and the clotting wasnt normal. I felt like I was constantly tearing myself down but I was so afraid to get even more hopeful and then be told my baby didnt make it.
At every appt they asked how many pregnancies, and how many live births and I hated that question I dont know why it bothered me so much maybe because I feel like to so many it's a reminder of the little ones they lost. Even though I didnt know the end of this chapter I would respond 3 and so far 2 because I was hopeful it would say 3 and 3 one day.
But after 9 days hope had built up, life with three kids was imagined, and pregnancy tracking apps were downloaded. Even though I knew I shouldn't there is no way to not get your hopes up.
When they finally diagnosed it an ectopic pregnancy I felt betrayed, betrayed my body could play such a sick joke on me. Betrayed because the one time i dont get broken down by infertility I instead lose my baby. Betrayed by myself for getting my hopes up only to have them crushed and make this loss that much harder.
But I remembered how truly blessed I am, blessed my body carried two pregnancies to term and gave me my two beautiful healthy boys, blessed to have been able to get pregnant again because after Dean's cancer and treatment there was a chance it would be even harder to conceive, blessed to have family and friends to pray for me and support me. Blessed. And even in the darkest hardest time I never blamed God or got angry with my faith instead I prayed for strength, guidance, and thanked God for allowing me to be a mommy to now three little ones. Even though this was hard even though I hate how my body never cooperates and causes me so much pain I know God has a plan and there will be a rainbow at the end of every storm and next time they ask how many pregnancies I have had even though it will be hard I will smile and say three knowing that our little one even though never in our hands will always be in our hearts.