Just keep Smiling

Something I do when I'm in pain or uncomfortable or trying not to cry is I smile. I act as if nothing is wrong and smile pushing forward trying to not completely fall apart. This throws a lot of people off because when they believe I should be sad or crying I'm sitting there smiling but what people don't understand is I am using every ounce of my strength to keep that smile and not fall apart. Through this I don't think many doctors and nurses could understand why i wasn't crying but i hate crying or being in pain in front of people. So until the very last second until I cannot hold it together any longer I will smile. I broke down a couple times in the ER and when I was on the operating table but for the most part just pushed through it all. Don't get me wrong I have cried with my family it just isn't me to cry in front of friends or strangers.  Yes I may seem completely fine, still smiling, and like nothing is wrong but at times it is taking every bit of me to push forward and keep smiling.
Day 3 post surgery I woke up to a facebook memory of us announcing we were pregnant with Dillon and it hit me, we should be doing the same for baby #3, actually we should have announced it a week prior because baby #3 would have been due one week before Dillons Birthday and that was hard, actually that whole day was pretty hard.
Then at Masons doctors appointment  his doctor was talking about how every child is unique and special and truly a gift from God, not knowing what I had just gone through, and it took all of me to smile and push through.
My hormones are still regulating so I find myself crying more than usual but I know it is ok and normal. I dont mind talking about everything sometimes it actually helps me to process and understand what still seems like a blur. Don't be afraid to talk about the baby or to ask questions even if I'm smiling and you can't tell if I'm trying not to cry I will be ok I am strong and God will get me through this.