Our Miscarriage

Dean and I were excited and surprised to find out we were pregnant on November 11, 2019. I was terrified after the ectopic pregnancy but knew my doctors were going to start monitoring early. I called my doctors office and they ordered my blood tests to be done every 48 hours for 2 weeks and a ultrasound. I asked if I should start the medication I was on with the boys to help reduce my odds of a miscarriage but she said no let's wait to see my levels and go from there.

 I made shirts for the boys to announce the pregnancy to my family and immediately told them all knowing no matter what I would need their help and support between the testing and chance of another ectopic/miscarriage. 

The first two HCG tests showed amazing potential and a rise of 101% (anything above a 50% rise is considered a viable pregnancy), 65.1 to 131.1. I was ecstatic and immediately started getting my hopes up,

 **this one would be different we were going to have our rainbow baby.**

The next two still had a rise but not as significant 131 to 273, over a 100% rise but over 72 hours not 48 hours, but still positive the pregnancy was looking great.

Then we went from 273 to 452 (65% increase) still good but I started questioning why is the rise not remaining as significant as in the beginning. I stayed positive but started to worry. I also had an ultrasound this day and even though we knew we were probably too early we were hoping to be able to place it in the uterus not the tubes. But as expected they couldn't find anything

 **Stay positive stay positive **

 

The next test is when everything started to change. That morning I had some spotting but tried to convince myself it could be normal, I went to the lab for my blood draw then took the boys to Disneyland since I had been promising them for a few days. While on the tram my blood test results posted. I questioned if I should open them but told myself waiting for the results would be harder than not knowing. My heart sunk, they went from 452 to 616 a 36% increase, that plus the spotting.

**don't cry in the middle of Disneyland, there is nothing you can do just breathe just breathe** 

 At first I was mad at myself did I just ruin this fun Disney day by opening those results, no I would not let that happen. Then I realized it was a good thing as we rode rides and explored Disneyland it kept me distracted and watching the boys have a blast and light up with everything they saw or did made the pain a little less. Disneyland will hold a different memory for me now but it will also be my happy place and my place of healing and letting go if even just for a few hours. I called my doctor while waiting in line for the our first ride and she recommended we do a progesterone test, which I don't understand why they didn't do that from the beginning, that is what the medication I requested to start in the beginning helps maintain to support a pregnancy. That made it a little harder,

**could this all have been avoided**

I went back to the lab. Normal progesterone is between 11 and 90 for a pregnancy, below 5 is not considered viable I was at 1.8. I knew our dreams for this baby were being crushed and we were not meeting our rainbow baby but now I had to pray it wasn't ectopic and I didn't lose my other tube. My doctor started me on the highest dose of progesterone as a last ditch effort to save the pregnancy but unfortunately the bleeding just got worse and I knew something was wrong. 

Sunday morning I went in for another blood draw and we had gone from 616 to 745 a 21% increase the progesterone wasn't working I was scheduled to meet with my doctor monday morning to once again try to place the pregnancy and discuss my options. 

**just be prepared and know what you want, there is nothing else you can do** 

Monday morning was horrible the drive to the doctors, them not collecting the normal ob intake copay, and ushering me into a room due to my "current situation". They did the ultrasound and my doctor said there was no sign of the pregnancy in the uterus she wanted me to go do one more blood draw and return to her office in 30 mins to discuss starting methotrexate if my numbers were not dropping. 

**dear God please don't let this be ectopic**

I explained to her I was breastfeeding, which would mean cold turkey weaning Mason if I took that medication and how it would be hard for me to be not only losing the pregnancy, but having the side effects of methotrexate, being told I could no longer nurse/comfort Mason, and also have him screaming at me all day and night begging to nurse. She said I'm sorry but you don't have another choice it's looking like this is ectopic since it's not in the uterus which means you could bleed out and lose your last remaining tube. I started crying, she told me to go do the blood draw and we would meet back in an hour and pray my numbers were dropping and that my body was naturally miscarrying.

**I mentally cannot go through this again, I am not ready** 

I went to the lab where at this point most of the phlebotomist and receptionist know me and balled my eyes out, they tried to comfort me and get me through quickly which helped but it was horrible just waiting wondering what these next few days/weeks would hold. Do I go against the doctors advice and wait until they can locate the pregnancy then do surgery but risk internal bleeding and losing my only fallopian tube which could take weeks or do I do the medication which lowers my chance of a rupture but also isn't guaranteed and means losing the pregnancy and no longer nursing Mason. 

*I can't do this*

We went back with the doctor and she walked in and said we could wait and do another ultrasound but I needed to understand the risk and I knew I couldn't risk my life and leaving Dillon and Mason without a mother. So as much as I didn't want to take the medication I knew it was the best option for the boys no matter how hard it would be. I asked her how we proceeded with methotrexate, how quickly it could be done, and how many days we had to not nurse after the medication. She looked into breastfeeding and at the dose it would only be 4 days, ok not going to be easy but much better than the 30 days I was told with the ectopic when they didn't check into dosage 🤦‍♀️. She said since it's a chemotherapy medication I needed to go to a heart and lung surgery center but it could be scheduled in the next few days. We started all the paper work and I sat there praying I was making the right decision, praying the hcg was dropping, and praying it wasn't ectopic. 

As we were almost done my labs came in they had dropped, significantly! from 745 to 344! She said at that point we didn't need the medication and just had to continue to monitor as long as it continued to drop significantly I should be fine but I needed to be aware of any changes as there was still a chance it was ectopic and could rupture. I was so relieved I started crying, again, and thanking God that he was answering my prayers and not making me make that decision.

*I never thought I would be excited for my hcg to drop but at this point the pregnancy had ended my body just needed to realize that*

This miscarriage was harder for me than the ectopic, I had so much hope this time because everything looked promising in the beginning where my ectopic i didn't even know I was pregnant until I had already been bleeding for over a week, I knew there was barely any chance for the July pregnancy to be viable but this one I knew could be viable. Plus, Dean and I agreed with any pregnancy after our ectopic in July we would tell the boys because we wanted to celebrate our babies even if only for a short time, but this also meant telling Dillon the baby wouldn't be coming home with us.

When we found out it wasn't viable I didn't automatically lose the pregnancy I have had to wait and watch my numbers decrease slowly, watch for any signs of a rupture, and still have some pregnancy symptoms while waiting for my body to realize I was no longer pregnant. where with the ectopic the moment they found it they rushed me into surgery and even though I had to recover from surgery the pregnancy was over and I didn't have to continue to wait I didn't have to watch my numbers or worry about rupture it was over I could focus on healing. 

I also didn't realize how much the ectopic affected me until I was pregnant. I found myself holding back on things I would have done without a second thought during the boys pregnancies. For example, I didn't write my doctors appointment on the calendar because I knew if I lost the pregnancy it would be too hard to look at so i wrote them all on a paper that was easy to throw away. I also didn't want to take the weekly bump pictures because seeing those would be a reminder of what I lost. And my ultrasound, going into the same room I had gone into multiple times with the ectopic pregnancy staring at the ceiling when they couldn't give me an update of what they did or didn't find, waiting to find out if it was or wasn't in the uterus it killed me. 

This miscarriage was hard, it still is hard. I'm taking it one day at a time and Thanking God for my two healthy little boys keeping me busy. 

I keep catching myself wondering If i would have pushed harder for that medication would i still be pregnant would that baby be joining us in July completing our family but I know I cant do that, I cant do the what ifs, I need to breathe, I need to move forward. 

Dean and I definitely want to keep trying to have one more baby, we both feel like we are meant to have one more, but I don't know when that will be. We have to wait a few months to let my body heal and then I mentally need to prepare to be pregnant again. I also know I will push harder to have my progesterone checked and to be on that medication. 

Pregnancy after loss is hard and I know next time it will be harder but I know God is stronger than any of these hardships and will get us through anything we are faced with. 

telling Dillon

When we found out we were pregnant Dean and I debated telling Dillon but agreed we wanted to celebrate the pregnancy and stay positive because in all honesty before our ectopic pregnancy in July we would not have thought twice about telling the boys. The pregnancy looked great so we told Dillon knowing there was a chance something could go wrong.

When our numbers started rising slower than normal I started to worry and my biggest fear was having to explain to Dillon. He was so excited for the new baby it seriously was heart breaking thinking of having to tell him. 

When I started bleeding I knew things really were not looking good. Dillon asked why I was going to the doctor so I decided to take the opportunity to prepare him. I explained to him that the baby was sick and sometimes we don't get to bring babies home because God needs them more than us and they get to go to heaven to be with God. He was sad and we talked for a little bit about it but I explained we still didn't know at that point and I would let him know how the baby was. 

The day we found out we were miscarrying I knew I had to tell Dillon. I explained to him this baby was special and God needed it more than we did right now so it went to heaven. He started crying and saying that he loved her and wanted to meet her (which shocked me because up until than he was saying he wanted another brother). I gave him a hug and told him I wish we could have meant the baby too but the baby was sick and had to go to heaven but now it is no longer sick and is able to be at peace with God. I told him hopefully soon we would get to bring home a baby but for now I was so happy God gave me him and Mason. He smiled at me and said sorry the baby got sick mommy and gave me a big hug.

He took it much better than I ever expected. He even has told a couple people mommy was pregnant but the baby got sick and went to heaven with God. I hate that he had to feel this pain but also feel like it was a good way to explain it to him and for him to understand why mommy was sad and at the doctor so much. 

rainbow baby

Dean and I found out on veterans day we were expecting what was supposed to be our rainbow baby. 

My doctors immediately started closely following the pregnancy to be sure we weren't experiencing another ectopic. The first set of hormone levels looked great but then slowly we started realizing something wasn't right. My levels continued to rise but went from a 101% rise to a 65% rise in 72 hours then 50% rise then 35% and yesterday a rise of only 20% in 72 hours. A normal pregnancy should have a minimum of a 50% rise every 48 hours so we knew something was not quite right. I had an ultrasound last week and they couldn't find anything in my tubes or uterus but said maybe it's just too early. 

On thursday I started spotting and by friday the bleeding was pretty heavy, my doctors decided to run a progesterone test as a last ditch effort (I don't understand why this wasn't checked sooner and question if the pregnancy would have made it if we had caught it immediately) Progesterone in pregnancy should be between 11 and 90 mine was 1.79. They immediately started me on progesterone and scheduled me for a ultrasound today. 

This morning we went in and unfortunately the ultrasound still showed nothing and my doctor was concerned it was another ectopic pregnancy. She had me go do one more blood draw to see if my numbers were still rising which would point to a ectopic or if they were beginning to fall and my body was naturally losing the pregnancy. We went back for an appointment to schedule the treatment to remove the ectopic and I prayed so hard.

The treatment meant no nursing Mason for 3 days which I am working on weaning him anyways but between dean being gone 7 days a week right now and my family all working extra hours with the holidays the thought of not only having to go through the treatment and all of it's hard side effects but also having to cold turkey cut Mason off and deal with him begging and crying for a minimum of 3 days was overwhelming especially knowing it would be long days but even harder nights.

The treatment for miscarriage or early ectopic is a chemotherapy medication that includes bleeding and severe cramping along with other side effects so it was not something I was taking lightly and it has to be scheduled at a heart surgery center to make sure your body reacts well to it. It also isn't guaranteed to work so your tube can still rupture or you can need multiple doses and still end up having surgery. With my last ectopic by the time they found it, it had already ruptured and I was bleeding internally so surgery was the only option and that recovery was worse than my csections.

We were finishing up the paperwork to schedule treatment when my blood test came back and my numbers had dropped 60% and my body was naturally miscarrying the pregnancy so we do not have to proceed with treatment at this time but I will continue to be tested every 48 hrs to make sure the levels continue to drop and incase it is ectopic that it still does not rupture. 

We were so excited to welcome our rainbow baby and even took a fun picture with Santa to hopefully be able to announce the pregnancy but as hard as losing this pregnancy is I am thanking God that I don't need treatment at this time and that I didn't lose my only fallopian tube remaining which gives us the option to still try for another baby in the future.

We have no way of knowing if this pregnancy was ectopic or a miscarriage since it was never found on the scan but we do know that my progesterone was too low so it did not support the pregnancy which most likely caused the baby not to make it. 

I don't understand why doctors do not automatically test progesterone when testing HCG but I will be requesting it if God blesses us with the chance to carry another baby in the future and I highly encourage any women who may be going through a similar situation to ask if you can have your progesterone tested so you can hopefully start hormone supplements before it is too late. 

It has been an emotional week and I'm sure it will continue to be hard in the weeks to come but we know God has a plan for our family far greater than we can understand and even though we won't ever get to meet this baby it was so loved from the moment we found out we were pregnant. 💗

1 week

It has been 1 week since everything happened. I remember wanting answers the entire process but then when we got them it all happened so quickly and I felt like I couldn't catch by breath let alone process what was happening.
Surgery wise I am healing, today is day 2 on my own with the boys and back to our routine. The first couple days were rough and the pain of climbing stairs or trying to move would literally take my breath away and I would get nauseous. The swelling is intense and my left side is still quite tender but it is improving and honestly when I think what all my body has gone through it's pretty amazing how quickly our bodies can heal. After 4 days I was able to move better and start to get back to some what normal but also began to process.
Emotionally healing has been different. When we were going through the process I didnt know how to feel. I was sad at the thought of losing the baby but didnt have answers and barely had time to even realize I was pregnant. It wasnt until I was laying on the operating table that I really realized I had lost a baby. By that point the baby had already passed but the thought of being pregnant was still so new that losing the baby was hard to comprehend. It wasnt until day 2 of healing that it really really hit me. Then on top of losing a baby your body goes on a hormonal roller coaster as it gets rid of the hcg. I didnt realize how hormonal I would be since it was still so early on. The weirdest things will remind me or hit me and it will take everything to hold it together. But I know it will just take time to heal and am constantly reminding myself this is all part of God's plan.
I want to say thank you to everyone who can called, sent text messages, commented on facebook and stopped by. I cannot explain how much it means to me and how each of you have helped make this a little chapter in Dean and my life a little easier.

Just keep Smiling

Something I do when I'm in pain or uncomfortable or trying not to cry is I smile. I act as if nothing is wrong and smile pushing forward trying to not completely fall apart. This throws a lot of people off because when they believe I should be sad or crying I'm sitting there smiling but what people don't understand is I am using every ounce of my strength to keep that smile and not fall apart. Through this I don't think many doctors and nurses could understand why i wasn't crying but i hate crying or being in pain in front of people. So until the very last second until I cannot hold it together any longer I will smile. I broke down a couple times in the ER and when I was on the operating table but for the most part just pushed through it all. Don't get me wrong I have cried with my family it just isn't me to cry in front of friends or strangers.  Yes I may seem completely fine, still smiling, and like nothing is wrong but at times it is taking every bit of me to push forward and keep smiling.
Day 3 post surgery I woke up to a facebook memory of us announcing we were pregnant with Dillon and it hit me, we should be doing the same for baby #3, actually we should have announced it a week prior because baby #3 would have been due one week before Dillons Birthday and that was hard, actually that whole day was pretty hard.
Then at Masons doctors appointment  his doctor was talking about how every child is unique and special and truly a gift from God, not knowing what I had just gone through, and it took all of me to smile and push through.
My hormones are still regulating so I find myself crying more than usual but I know it is ok and normal. I dont mind talking about everything sometimes it actually helps me to process and understand what still seems like a blur. Don't be afraid to talk about the baby or to ask questions even if I'm smiling and you can't tell if I'm trying not to cry I will be ok I am strong and God will get me through this.

The boys

Throughout everything I have always wanted one thing. I wanted the boys to be ok and have as much normalcy as possible. I wanted to keep as much of the stress and emotions away from them and make sure their days still go forward like nothing is going on.
One day I will tell them, one day i will explain, but not today not right now they are still to little. We do discuss death with Dillon and he grasps some of it but just not everything. We explain we go home to heaven to be with God but he still doesnt quite understand we dont come back. Lately he has been asking for a brother or sister, in fact two weeks before everything started he was sitting on the couch and out of no where announced, mommy's pregnant. I asked where he heard that and told him we dont just say that because it isnt true, little did we know. So I dont want to get him excited for a sibling since he doesnt quite understand they won't be here on earth with us.
The boys have been great, Mason has been being a little more independent which is helpful but still a mommas boy and Dillon has been a huge help getting things for me or holding my hand when I walk.
When the drs first didnt know what was going on they said if it was a miscarriage I could take a medication to clear it out but would need to stop breastfeeding for 28 days, I told Dean I would not take it because I was already losing a baby I wasnt going to lose my breastfeeding journey with Mason as well. There was no way I was going to cut Mason off cold Turkey and have him crying and wanting to nurse while i was going through a miscarriage, I would not lose everything at once.
In the end it didnt matter where it was and with the internal bleeding my only option was laparoscopic surgery and removing a fallopian tube.
I knew the surgery meant I would have to rest for a few days and the boys are not used to that so I needed ways to distract them and keep them having fun and help Dean find a little sanity in the chaos. To get us through the few days mommy was stuck on the couch I got fun projects for the boys and daddy to do. Yesterday they made homemade bouncy balls and today stepping stones both were a huge hit and the boys had so much fun. Dean also took them swimming and played with them as much as possible to keep them from climbing all over me. With Dean normally working 6 days a week and most of the days all day it was a fun adjustment for all of them and they all really bonded these past few days. My parents and sister have also been a huge help holding Mason and playing with the boys as much as they can when they aren't working.
I know I cant shelter them from everything and I know they still felt a bit of the stress and weirdness these past few days but I cant thank Dean, my parents, and my sister enough for making sure the boys were taken care of and had fun even when everything was so hectic and upside down

My feelings throughout this process

When everything first started before we even knew we were pregnant, I told Dean how mean of a trick it would be that my body finally, finally did what it was supposed to do and got pregnant with out medication, without testing, without months of heartbreak after yet another negative pregnancy test, just to miscarry the baby.
When I decided to take a pregnancy test I was so sure I wasnt pregnant I took it after Dean went to work knowing I would see a Negative but just taking it to prove to myself I was only having a period (I know this sounds ridiculous but with infertility I did this quite often because my cycles were irregular and I would start to get my Hope's up and would have to take a test to prove to myself I wasnt pregnant) but this time was shocked to see it was positive
Then when we found out we were pregnant the doctor asked if this was a desired pregnancy and I said we weren't trying to get pregnant but it is so nice to be surprised and just get pregnant without all the struggle of infertility and we were obviously ecstatic to welcome another little miracle into our family.
Throughout all of the testing I would start to get my hopes up that maybe the pregnancy would be viable and would have to remind myself everything against me to ground myself. Everytime I felt nauseous, everytime my hcg went up, and everytime the doctors wouldn't find anything I would become hopeful that my baby was ok and just a few weeks behind. But would remind myself that it wasnt just the ultrasound, the hcg was to low, the amount of bleeding wasnt normal, and the clotting wasnt normal. I felt like I was constantly tearing myself down but I was so afraid to get even more hopeful and then be told my baby didnt make it.
At every appt they asked how many pregnancies, and how many live births and I hated that question I dont know why it bothered me so much maybe because I feel like to so many it's a reminder of the little ones they lost. Even though I didnt know the end of this chapter I would respond 3 and so far 2 because I was hopeful it would say 3 and 3 one day.
But after 9 days hope had built up, life with three kids was imagined, and pregnancy tracking apps were downloaded. Even though I knew I shouldn't there is no way to not get your hopes up.
When they finally diagnosed it an ectopic pregnancy I felt betrayed, betrayed my body could play such a sick joke on me. Betrayed because the one time i dont get broken down by infertility I instead lose my baby. Betrayed by myself for getting my hopes up only to have them crushed and make this loss that much harder.
But I remembered how truly blessed I am, blessed my body carried two pregnancies to term and gave me my two beautiful healthy boys, blessed to have been able to get pregnant again because after Dean's cancer and treatment there was a chance it would be even harder to conceive, blessed to have family and friends to pray for me and support me. Blessed. And even in the darkest hardest time I never blamed God or got angry with my faith instead I prayed for strength, guidance, and thanked God for allowing me to be a mommy to now three little ones. Even though this was hard even though I hate how my body never cooperates and causes me so much pain I know God has a plan and there will be a rainbow at the end of every storm and next time they ask how many pregnancies I have had even though it will be hard I will smile and say three knowing that our little one even though never in our hands will always be in our hearts.