For about the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy I made sure I had a babysitter to watch Dillon during my doctors appointments just in case they needed to do an exam or in case something went wrong and they sent me to L&D. I also would try to clean the house and ours rooms a bit incase we would be gone for awhile and other people had to come help watch Dillon or so i could easily explain where things were incase something was needed. Thank goodness I did too because unfortunately we had quite a few unexpected complications and were sent to L&D. At my 37 week appt I finally scheduled my csection for December 19th at 130pm and had no issues that week so we decided to bring Dillon to our 38 week appt so he could hear brothers heartbeat one more time before he was born. I didn't have time to clean and literally didn't bring anything with me (no snacks for Dillon, no hospital bad, no toys for Dillon, no carseat, no phone chargers, I didn't even have a phone because my phone had crashed) we just jumped in the car and went to what should have been a quick 10 min appt. Next thing we know my bp was elevated and my doctor said she felt it was time to have a baby because with how my last delivery went she didn't want to risk anything and definitely didn't want to risk me having a seizure on top of my infection risk. We were in shock and headed to the hospital with Dillon. They checked me in but since I had eaten on the way to the Dr appt we had to wait 6 hrs before we could do the surgery, so we started the long wait and thankfully my parents and sister were able to drive out and pick up Dillon.
Finally after the long wait they came and got me to head to the operating room. This csection was sooo much different than Dillons which I expected.
First I walked into the OR, with Dillon since I had an epidural they wheeled me in.
Then the part I was worried about the spinal tap, with Dillon I had the epidural so I didn't know how numb I was last time and how much I would feel this time, but it was actually super easy except that they had me lean on a rolling table so when they did the numbing shot I moved forward than they realized they forgot to have a nurse on the other side of the table to help support me. They had me lay down and strapped down both my arms, with Dillon they only strapped down one which I liked so much better.
At this point they brought Dean in, way sooner than they did with Dillon, with Dillon they actually did the first cut before bringing Dean in.
They then set up the curtain which I was super excited about. It was their first time using it so they were excited too. It was a solid curtain but just as they went to pull Mason out they took off the blue part so i could see him. I was extremely greatful for this too since I didn't get to see him after they took him to check him out.
So they took him to check him out and clean him and weigh/measure him and then we're going to bring him back for immediate skin to skin but unfortunately he had some rapid breathing and had to be monitored by the nicu team for an hour.
The nice thing about loma Linda is they let my family see me in recovery and let them all into the nursery to meet Mason while he was being monitored. (At pomona i was alone thr first hour then they let me have Dillon the second hour but i couldnt see anyone not even Dean until we got to our room) Dillon was so excited to meet his brother and then so happy to be able to visit me and tell me he met brother.
After an hour they brought Mason to recovery with me and about an hour later we were moved to our room.
At that point our recovery was soo much easier. I immediately wanted to start walking and wanted the catheter out. But my night nurse said 24hrs. . . So I waited and asked my morning nurse (lol) and she said as long as I felt ready she was fine with it so roughly 15 hrs after surgery I got myself up and got the catheter out. It was so much easier to stand up and walk this time then it was with Dillon and my recovery followed being much easier.
Mason was such a calm baby and other than having some latching issues was so easy and slept most of the time, as long as we didn't put him down. The middle of the first night though he got extremely fussy and Dean and I knew something wasn't right. Around 4am we asked for formula because we had a feeling he wasn't getting enough, the nurs3s gave us a bit of a hard time but as soon as they saw him suck down the formula realized I was right and he needed to be supplemented. After he got some formula he was back to his happy sleepy self. My Dr came in the following morning and asked when I wanted to go home, we knew csection policy was 72 hrs but explained we had somewhere we really wanted to be Friday morning and she said that I looked great and she had now problem discharging me after 48 hrs! I was so happy. They started all of Masons tests and he was completely healthy except for some jaundice and a blocked tear duct. He did lose 10% of his body weight and was 7lbs when we went home but has quickly regained the weight.
Since we both were healthy all of our doctors agreed to discharge us at 48 hrs (2days vs the 6 days we stayed with Dillon) but we had to go back to the doctor Friday, Monday, and Tuesday to follow up on the jaundice.
Even though we were not expecting to deliver Mason a week early it went so smoothly and I'm glad we did and glad he was delivered safely and we were both healthy.
Mason Alan Busser
12/12/17 5:15pm
7lbs 12oz 19 1/2in
Loma Linda University
Saturday, December 30, 2017
Thursday, December 7, 2017
RAI treatment update
Tonight is Dean Busser's first night home. It was so good to have him around today and Dillon was so excited to have daddy home. It also feels so good to all be under the same roof tonight even if we are all in different rooms. It's a huge pressure off my shoulders knowing he is here if I go into labor and won't miss the delivery. It feels so good to have the complete isolation behind us and I can't wait to be past this completely.
Dean has done pretty well through all of this, it has definitely made him weak and exhausted especially not having thyroid medication but he is so strong and only has one more day before he starts his thyroid medication. We are taking extra precautions through all of this and staying apart, limiting contact, and sleeping apart for extra days just to be 100% sure the boys are safe (they required two days and said if we want to be cautious limit extended contact and sleep apart for 5 days, we stayed apart for 3 days and are limiting extended contact and sleeping apart for 7 days we also aren't hugging or holding hands or kissing for 7 days when they only suggested 2-5 days)
This whole thing has definitely been weird, last night we got together for the first time for a few hours and not being able to hug, kiss, or hold hands was strange, now being in the same house sleeping in separate rooms is even stranger, BUT knowing he will be healthy and this will be over before Mason is here makes it all worth it.
Monday life will go back to normal and this will all be a distant memory. I'm ready to have my husband back to normal and Dillon's so ready for his daddy to be able to play and cuddle.
Monday Dean will have a full body scan to check for any possible cancer and Tuesday he has a follow up for the lung bleed and ulcer and to schedule his repeat brochoscope. Tuesday is also my final Dr appt before Mason's csection. Dean returns to work Wednesday and works through Sunday and then is off for a little over a week for family bonding. These last few weeks of 2017 are going to be crazy but hopefully all happy moments from here on out.
Dean has done pretty well through all of this, it has definitely made him weak and exhausted especially not having thyroid medication but he is so strong and only has one more day before he starts his thyroid medication. We are taking extra precautions through all of this and staying apart, limiting contact, and sleeping apart for extra days just to be 100% sure the boys are safe (they required two days and said if we want to be cautious limit extended contact and sleep apart for 5 days, we stayed apart for 3 days and are limiting extended contact and sleeping apart for 7 days we also aren't hugging or holding hands or kissing for 7 days when they only suggested 2-5 days)
This whole thing has definitely been weird, last night we got together for the first time for a few hours and not being able to hug, kiss, or hold hands was strange, now being in the same house sleeping in separate rooms is even stranger, BUT knowing he will be healthy and this will be over before Mason is here makes it all worth it.
Monday life will go back to normal and this will all be a distant memory. I'm ready to have my husband back to normal and Dillon's so ready for his daddy to be able to play and cuddle.
Monday Dean will have a full body scan to check for any possible cancer and Tuesday he has a follow up for the lung bleed and ulcer and to schedule his repeat brochoscope. Tuesday is also my final Dr appt before Mason's csection. Dean returns to work Wednesday and works through Sunday and then is off for a little over a week for family bonding. These last few weeks of 2017 are going to be crazy but hopefully all happy moments from here on out.
Friday, December 1, 2017
December
December. . . I have anxiously awaited this month with so many mixed emotions.
In the beginning of 2017 we celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary and Dillon turning 2, then a few weeks later we got the biggest surprise blessing Easter morning that we were pregnant . From that day forward I have been looking forward to December. Wondering what the rest of the year would have in store as we prepared to become a family of four.
Then mid August our year took another unexpected turn when Dean found the lump in his neck. Trying to figure out what was going on and getting bad news on surgery day, October 13th, we then had to try to schedule everything and still prepare for Mason. Last month we scheduled deans radioactive iodine treatment and prayed mason would cooperate and not come early so that we didn't have to reschedule. Every doctors appointment and every time I was sent to labor and delivery we just wanted a clean bill of health for mason and to be able to go home.
Now here we are December 1st, 3 days from his treatment, and I'm once again full of emotions. I am so grateful God answered our prayers and Dean will be able to complete his treatment before Mason arrives but I'm also scared. Scared for the possibility of Dean missing the delivery and scared for the next week without Dean. I'm going to take it extremely easy and hope Mason stays comfy and am going to try to keep Dillon distracted from the fact daddy isn't home. Thankfully I have my amazing family to support us and help us through all of this.
Starting Friday will be all new emotions, excitement to have Deans treatment behind us, excitement to be 38 weeks pregnant, excitement to have Dean home, and excitement for Dillon to be becoming a big brother. But also nerves as the countdown to csection day begins. My Csection is scheduled for December 19th at 130 and as excited and ready as I am to hold Mason and finally have him here, so many other emotions come with it. I'm not looking forward to the hospital stay and being away from Dillon, I'm a little nervous for the csection itself, and then also just the normal mom fears of having two littles and how we will adjust to this new chapter.
I am praying this month goes smoothly, that there are no complications with Deans treatment and it gets it all, that his follow up for the bleeding in his lungs goes well and doesn't show any other complications, that my csection goes smoothly and recovery is fast and Mason is healthy, that Dillon remains excited enjoys Christmas and enjoys being a big brother, and that we end 2017 on a good note and in good health.
In the beginning of 2017 we celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary and Dillon turning 2, then a few weeks later we got the biggest surprise blessing Easter morning that we were pregnant . From that day forward I have been looking forward to December. Wondering what the rest of the year would have in store as we prepared to become a family of four.
Then mid August our year took another unexpected turn when Dean found the lump in his neck. Trying to figure out what was going on and getting bad news on surgery day, October 13th, we then had to try to schedule everything and still prepare for Mason. Last month we scheduled deans radioactive iodine treatment and prayed mason would cooperate and not come early so that we didn't have to reschedule. Every doctors appointment and every time I was sent to labor and delivery we just wanted a clean bill of health for mason and to be able to go home.
Now here we are December 1st, 3 days from his treatment, and I'm once again full of emotions. I am so grateful God answered our prayers and Dean will be able to complete his treatment before Mason arrives but I'm also scared. Scared for the possibility of Dean missing the delivery and scared for the next week without Dean. I'm going to take it extremely easy and hope Mason stays comfy and am going to try to keep Dillon distracted from the fact daddy isn't home. Thankfully I have my amazing family to support us and help us through all of this.
Starting Friday will be all new emotions, excitement to have Deans treatment behind us, excitement to be 38 weeks pregnant, excitement to have Dean home, and excitement for Dillon to be becoming a big brother. But also nerves as the countdown to csection day begins. My Csection is scheduled for December 19th at 130 and as excited and ready as I am to hold Mason and finally have him here, so many other emotions come with it. I'm not looking forward to the hospital stay and being away from Dillon, I'm a little nervous for the csection itself, and then also just the normal mom fears of having two littles and how we will adjust to this new chapter.
I am praying this month goes smoothly, that there are no complications with Deans treatment and it gets it all, that his follow up for the bleeding in his lungs goes well and doesn't show any other complications, that my csection goes smoothly and recovery is fast and Mason is healthy, that Dillon remains excited enjoys Christmas and enjoys being a big brother, and that we end 2017 on a good note and in good health.
Monday, November 13, 2017
Trying to sleep
Right now I feel like I'm so over exhausted I can't even sleep. The night/morning everything happened I got two hours of sleep because I couldn't fall asleep until almost 2am then Dillon woke up at 4am and Dean came running in at 5am and off we went to the hospital. That night I came home after being gone for the longest I have ever left Dillon (15 hrs). We snuggled in bed for a bit then didn't get much sleep that night because he was still having a hard time with the fact that I wasn't home when he woke up and then was gone for so long plus not having Daddy home which hasn't happened since he was a baby. I set my alarm for 830 to make sure i got to the hospital before deans procedure but woke up at 730 and started my day. Last night when I got home (again after 12 hrs) Dillon has a cold and i knew it would be another rough night. Between Dillon still not sure about our change in schedule, his cold, and me having to pee all night from being 34 weeks pregnant I again am running on about 3 hrs of sleep. I set my alarm for 9 am today in hopes to sleep in but with everything was up at 7am not able to go back to sleep.
My parents and sister have both offered to take Dillon for the night so I can sleep but after being away all day I need 5hose night time snuggles and even if it means we are up every 45 mins so Dillon can make sure I'm home I will take it so I can spend some time with him.
In the mornings I am usually running on adrenaline waiting for one of dean's procedures or test results or to hear if he is coming home then by 4pm/5pm I crash and the exhaustion takes over. Then I come home and I find more energy when I am greeted by Dillons goofy smile and excitement when he sees me.
Hopefully today is the last of all of this and we can bring home and all be healthy and safe under one roof (and get some sleep) but if not I know I will continue to find energy and strength and am so blessed to have my family to help keep me going and keep Dillon safe and having fun when I'm not home.
My parents and sister have both offered to take Dillon for the night so I can sleep but after being away all day I need 5hose night time snuggles and even if it means we are up every 45 mins so Dillon can make sure I'm home I will take it so I can spend some time with him.
In the mornings I am usually running on adrenaline waiting for one of dean's procedures or test results or to hear if he is coming home then by 4pm/5pm I crash and the exhaustion takes over. Then I come home and I find more energy when I am greeted by Dillons goofy smile and excitement when he sees me.
Hopefully today is the last of all of this and we can bring home and all be healthy and safe under one roof (and get some sleep) but if not I know I will continue to find energy and strength and am so blessed to have my family to help keep me going and keep Dillon safe and having fun when I'm not home.
Sunday, November 12, 2017
Finding our strength
With facebook and Instagram and all the other social media sources, we are exposed to various stories and events for people around us that before we would have had no idea was going on.
Over the past few years I have watched as young families have battled cancer and always thought I would never be able to handle that and wondered how they have balanced everything and admired their strength. Over these past few weeks I have had a small glimpse into what all goes on. Thankfully dean's thyroid cancer was caught early and was/is easily treated but it has still come with its challenges especially with a two and a half year old.
We are so incredibly blessed with an amazing support system. My parents and sister have really made having to leave Dillon easy and have been able to change their schedules to watch him so I'm not having to worry about finding a sitter and worrying about how he is behaving and adjusting since he really isn't ever babysat either I'm home, take him with me, Deans home, or my parents and sister are able to watch him. I am forever grateful for everything they have done for us during these past few months not only does it allow us to go to appointments together and for me to be completely there for Dean without having to run after Dillon or worry if he is having fun at home. They have been there as I have gotten some of the most devastating news and have helped keep me strong when it feels like everything is falling apart.
With Deans surgery I left that morning expecting it to take about 4 hrs total and every doctor was almost completely certain it wasn't cancer and would be a routine treatment. Then after a 3 1/2 hr surgery our lives changed, we were faced with many more doctors appointments and treatments and I was immediately torn as they said Dean would possibly be admitted to the hospital, do I stay with my husband or go home with my toddler. Again my parents and sister immediately stepped in offering to take Dillon for the night. Luckily Dean came home but than yesterday we were once again faced with Dean being admitted and a long day of needing people to watch Dillon. At 5am everyone helped to stay with Dillon and my mom came with me as Dean started throwing up blood, I had no idea what we were about to face or be told and definitely didn't want to be alone and was so relieved knowing Dillon didn't have to be woken up at 5am and kknowing he would have a fun day no matter what time we made it home.
I sat in the hospital immediately feeling comfort and knowing God would protect us and guide us. Suddenly finding this strength to once again power through and stay strong for Dean, with that being said I also had moments of weakness where I have bawled my eyes out but for everything we have been through the strength I have found through God and all the support from my family and friends praying and reaching out to us and even through social media and knowing I could ask for prayers and immediately have tons of people joining us in prayer for answers, positive results, and guidance has been unimaginable. Even in those moments of weakness when worry, exhaustion, and being overwhelmed takes over there is still comfort and strength we feel from everyone around us. I have felt horrible as I sit there crying by Dean even though he is the one that is diagnosed with cancer and throwing up blood but he understands and somehow continues to be that comfort and strength for me as he always is.
Dean is amazing and so strong through all of this. At times I find myself just staring at him in awe of his strength and determination to push through. He still continues to work and put Dillon and I first even as he is going through something I could never imagine. He smiles and cracks jokes as if none of this has happened.
Last night I had to choose between staying with Dean or going home to Dillon. After being up since 4am, only sleeping two hours prior to that, and not seeing Dillon awake since Friday night Dean and I decided it was best I go home to Dillon. Leaving the hospital wasn't easy but having Dillon with me made it easier. Going to bed and having Dillon crying saying he wants his best friend and needs dadda wasnt easy but i was so thankful for FaceTime and giving Dillon a little more time to see daddy before he fell asleep. This morning as I packed stuff and got ready to leave for the hospital it was hard to leave Dillon again not knowing when I would get home. I thought about families that have to travel back and forth to the hospital for days weeks month at a time and am again in admiration of their strength and ability to continue moving forward. I have barely had a glimpse into this life and it isn't easy and is a constant struggle to not let weaknesses take over, every minute anything can change and you are just waiting for the next step the next result the next minute to come and praying it will get better.
I pray this is our last night of hospital stays for Dean and that we don't have too many more obstacles. We still have a few days of isolation for Dean coming up during radiation but at least he will be in a hotel not a hospital and should be healthy and I wont have to worry to much about complications. We actually just found out partial results of Dean's scope and unfortunately they weren't what we had hoped for but I am soo incredibly grateful Dean was admitted last night and they did the scope today instead of waiting a week or two or going home and having him start coughingup blood again. They found active bleeding in the left lobe of his lung, Now we wait for results again, wait to hear if it's an infection, broken vessel, or if his thyroid cancer spread. The cancer spreading has been a huge fear of mine and here I am once again being forced to face one of my fears but standing strong knowing God is watching over us. Yesterday they wanted to discharge Dean because they didn't have an opening for the scope but last minute, seriously as Dean was standing up to change, they came in and said they had a cancellation and if it was ok they would admit him. We (well I agreed Dean just was forced to comply lol) agreed and waited for the procedure even though they felt it was just being done as a precaution I knew something wasn't right no one just throws up that much blood for no reason. The procedure got pushed to today but the doctor said he felt more comfortable keeping him and I completely agreed. This wasnt by accident, there wasn't a cancellation just because this was God watching over us, guiding us, and protecting us. So even though this has been a fear of mine the past 4 weeks today it seems easier to face knowing it was found, knowing God will continue to watch over us, and knowing God will protect Dean. Im still praying its not cancer but if it is i know God will watch over us, comfort us and give us strength to move forward and I know Dean will conquer it, probably laughing and still doing everything at 110%.
I keep being told it's amazing how strong we are being through this and it catches me off guard, there are times I don't feel strong, I feel broken, exhausted, weak, defeated. Times when I cry my eyes out because of results or due to exhaustion or the thought of once again going home with out Dean but then I pull it together and remind myself that Dean is alive and he will one day come home with us (hopefully tomorrow) and I realize that this is just our new normal and there is nothing we can do to change it but get answers and run tests and follow treatments. So we have to be strong, we have to push forward, and we have to live our lives to the best we can right now because this is our lives and we have to enjoy every second we are blessed with. We have to try to keep some kind of normal for Dillon and make sure he has his mommy and daddy time even if that means I have to leave at night and anxiously wait at home for a phone call.
The hardest part of leaving the hospital right now is the fear that something will once again go wrong or that his bleeding will restart and not stop and knowing I am at least 40 mins away. But this is Again when I turn to God and trust him and his plan and am thankful for cell phones and FaceTime so I can check in on Dean whenever I want.
Even though we never imagined this would happen and honestly would have preferred it didn't happen, it has reminded us of everything we have to be thankful for. My amazing family, our friends, our time together, the advances in technology medical and communication, Deans doctors and medical team, our amazing insurance, our two little boys and their health, and most importantly our faith and God.
At this point I am praying we can easily fix whatever is going on with Dean right now and he comes home safe and healthy, we are praying that he can still do the radiation (maybe even sooner) and that will take care of any and all cancer, we are praying Dillon and Mason stays healthy and that Mason comes after Dean is all better and his delivery is safe and healthy without complications, and we are praying Dean gets a clean bill of health and is completely back to himself before Mason arrives so we can enjoy Christmas as a healthy family of four.
Dean is still in good spirits and just wants to go home and move forward with radiation treatments. Once again being the strong crazy man that I admire and love with all my heart. We went to a wedding for the first time together since dean's diagnoses last week. As we sat listening to the vows they took on a whole new meaning. On our wedding day we stood there so full of excitement and love, not knowing what our futures would hold but knowing we would conquer it together, this weekend i listened to the vows and realized just how much meaning these have take on for us. "I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part" our marriage has had its fair share of challenges but we have stuck together, on our wedding day for better and for worsefor richer for poorer is just part of the vows and you think seriously how bad can it get you are so incredibly happy and well at least for us we were already "poor" financially like most young married couples now but as challenges arise your vows are challenged and you find yourselves leaning on each other. But than they get to in sickness and in health and it took everything not to cry, on our wedding day we were(and still are) young. Standing there it is like it will be at least fifty years before we face any serious sickness but we were wrong, here we are coming up to our 6th anniversary facing in sickness and really leaning on our vows to each other. Using this challenge of our vows to bring us closer together and not allowing it to tear us apart. We had gotten to the point where we were mommy and daddy and often forgot we were also husband and wife but since everythingnhas started we have been reminded we are also husband and wife and have said vows to each other and need to make time for each other and to hold hands and continue to pray together every night even if we are exhausted. I couldn't ask for a better should mate and would say our vows all over again in a heartbeat because I couldn't imagine going through this with anyone else and I am greatful God has given me Dean as my best friend.
Over the past few years I have watched as young families have battled cancer and always thought I would never be able to handle that and wondered how they have balanced everything and admired their strength. Over these past few weeks I have had a small glimpse into what all goes on. Thankfully dean's thyroid cancer was caught early and was/is easily treated but it has still come with its challenges especially with a two and a half year old.
We are so incredibly blessed with an amazing support system. My parents and sister have really made having to leave Dillon easy and have been able to change their schedules to watch him so I'm not having to worry about finding a sitter and worrying about how he is behaving and adjusting since he really isn't ever babysat either I'm home, take him with me, Deans home, or my parents and sister are able to watch him. I am forever grateful for everything they have done for us during these past few months not only does it allow us to go to appointments together and for me to be completely there for Dean without having to run after Dillon or worry if he is having fun at home. They have been there as I have gotten some of the most devastating news and have helped keep me strong when it feels like everything is falling apart.
With Deans surgery I left that morning expecting it to take about 4 hrs total and every doctor was almost completely certain it wasn't cancer and would be a routine treatment. Then after a 3 1/2 hr surgery our lives changed, we were faced with many more doctors appointments and treatments and I was immediately torn as they said Dean would possibly be admitted to the hospital, do I stay with my husband or go home with my toddler. Again my parents and sister immediately stepped in offering to take Dillon for the night. Luckily Dean came home but than yesterday we were once again faced with Dean being admitted and a long day of needing people to watch Dillon. At 5am everyone helped to stay with Dillon and my mom came with me as Dean started throwing up blood, I had no idea what we were about to face or be told and definitely didn't want to be alone and was so relieved knowing Dillon didn't have to be woken up at 5am and kknowing he would have a fun day no matter what time we made it home.
I sat in the hospital immediately feeling comfort and knowing God would protect us and guide us. Suddenly finding this strength to once again power through and stay strong for Dean, with that being said I also had moments of weakness where I have bawled my eyes out but for everything we have been through the strength I have found through God and all the support from my family and friends praying and reaching out to us and even through social media and knowing I could ask for prayers and immediately have tons of people joining us in prayer for answers, positive results, and guidance has been unimaginable. Even in those moments of weakness when worry, exhaustion, and being overwhelmed takes over there is still comfort and strength we feel from everyone around us. I have felt horrible as I sit there crying by Dean even though he is the one that is diagnosed with cancer and throwing up blood but he understands and somehow continues to be that comfort and strength for me as he always is.
Dean is amazing and so strong through all of this. At times I find myself just staring at him in awe of his strength and determination to push through. He still continues to work and put Dillon and I first even as he is going through something I could never imagine. He smiles and cracks jokes as if none of this has happened.
Last night I had to choose between staying with Dean or going home to Dillon. After being up since 4am, only sleeping two hours prior to that, and not seeing Dillon awake since Friday night Dean and I decided it was best I go home to Dillon. Leaving the hospital wasn't easy but having Dillon with me made it easier. Going to bed and having Dillon crying saying he wants his best friend and needs dadda wasnt easy but i was so thankful for FaceTime and giving Dillon a little more time to see daddy before he fell asleep. This morning as I packed stuff and got ready to leave for the hospital it was hard to leave Dillon again not knowing when I would get home. I thought about families that have to travel back and forth to the hospital for days weeks month at a time and am again in admiration of their strength and ability to continue moving forward. I have barely had a glimpse into this life and it isn't easy and is a constant struggle to not let weaknesses take over, every minute anything can change and you are just waiting for the next step the next result the next minute to come and praying it will get better.
I pray this is our last night of hospital stays for Dean and that we don't have too many more obstacles. We still have a few days of isolation for Dean coming up during radiation but at least he will be in a hotel not a hospital and should be healthy and I wont have to worry to much about complications. We actually just found out partial results of Dean's scope and unfortunately they weren't what we had hoped for but I am soo incredibly grateful Dean was admitted last night and they did the scope today instead of waiting a week or two or going home and having him start coughingup blood again. They found active bleeding in the left lobe of his lung, Now we wait for results again, wait to hear if it's an infection, broken vessel, or if his thyroid cancer spread. The cancer spreading has been a huge fear of mine and here I am once again being forced to face one of my fears but standing strong knowing God is watching over us. Yesterday they wanted to discharge Dean because they didn't have an opening for the scope but last minute, seriously as Dean was standing up to change, they came in and said they had a cancellation and if it was ok they would admit him. We (well I agreed Dean just was forced to comply lol) agreed and waited for the procedure even though they felt it was just being done as a precaution I knew something wasn't right no one just throws up that much blood for no reason. The procedure got pushed to today but the doctor said he felt more comfortable keeping him and I completely agreed. This wasnt by accident, there wasn't a cancellation just because this was God watching over us, guiding us, and protecting us. So even though this has been a fear of mine the past 4 weeks today it seems easier to face knowing it was found, knowing God will continue to watch over us, and knowing God will protect Dean. Im still praying its not cancer but if it is i know God will watch over us, comfort us and give us strength to move forward and I know Dean will conquer it, probably laughing and still doing everything at 110%.
I keep being told it's amazing how strong we are being through this and it catches me off guard, there are times I don't feel strong, I feel broken, exhausted, weak, defeated. Times when I cry my eyes out because of results or due to exhaustion or the thought of once again going home with out Dean but then I pull it together and remind myself that Dean is alive and he will one day come home with us (hopefully tomorrow) and I realize that this is just our new normal and there is nothing we can do to change it but get answers and run tests and follow treatments. So we have to be strong, we have to push forward, and we have to live our lives to the best we can right now because this is our lives and we have to enjoy every second we are blessed with. We have to try to keep some kind of normal for Dillon and make sure he has his mommy and daddy time even if that means I have to leave at night and anxiously wait at home for a phone call.
The hardest part of leaving the hospital right now is the fear that something will once again go wrong or that his bleeding will restart and not stop and knowing I am at least 40 mins away. But this is Again when I turn to God and trust him and his plan and am thankful for cell phones and FaceTime so I can check in on Dean whenever I want.
Even though we never imagined this would happen and honestly would have preferred it didn't happen, it has reminded us of everything we have to be thankful for. My amazing family, our friends, our time together, the advances in technology medical and communication, Deans doctors and medical team, our amazing insurance, our two little boys and their health, and most importantly our faith and God.
At this point I am praying we can easily fix whatever is going on with Dean right now and he comes home safe and healthy, we are praying that he can still do the radiation (maybe even sooner) and that will take care of any and all cancer, we are praying Dillon and Mason stays healthy and that Mason comes after Dean is all better and his delivery is safe and healthy without complications, and we are praying Dean gets a clean bill of health and is completely back to himself before Mason arrives so we can enjoy Christmas as a healthy family of four.
Dean is still in good spirits and just wants to go home and move forward with radiation treatments. Once again being the strong crazy man that I admire and love with all my heart. We went to a wedding for the first time together since dean's diagnoses last week. As we sat listening to the vows they took on a whole new meaning. On our wedding day we stood there so full of excitement and love, not knowing what our futures would hold but knowing we would conquer it together, this weekend i listened to the vows and realized just how much meaning these have take on for us. "I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part" our marriage has had its fair share of challenges but we have stuck together, on our wedding day for better and for worsefor richer for poorer is just part of the vows and you think seriously how bad can it get you are so incredibly happy and well at least for us we were already "poor" financially like most young married couples now but as challenges arise your vows are challenged and you find yourselves leaning on each other. But than they get to in sickness and in health and it took everything not to cry, on our wedding day we were(and still are) young. Standing there it is like it will be at least fifty years before we face any serious sickness but we were wrong, here we are coming up to our 6th anniversary facing in sickness and really leaning on our vows to each other. Using this challenge of our vows to bring us closer together and not allowing it to tear us apart. We had gotten to the point where we were mommy and daddy and often forgot we were also husband and wife but since everythingnhas started we have been reminded we are also husband and wife and have said vows to each other and need to make time for each other and to hold hands and continue to pray together every night even if we are exhausted. I couldn't ask for a better should mate and would say our vows all over again in a heartbeat because I couldn't imagine going through this with anyone else and I am greatful God has given me Dean as my best friend.
Saturday, November 11, 2017
Mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted
This morning Dillon woke me up at 4 am fussing and just want in to be snuggled for a little bit, right as I got him to bed I crawled back into my bed and Dean quickly came in and told me I needed to come to the bathroom. I didn't know what was going on but quickly realized something was wrong when I saw all the blood.
We headed to the ER at 5am and Dean coughed up blood the entire drive there.
We got to the ER and y quickly called us to triage as they saw how much blood was coming up they immediately go him a bed and started rushing the testing. First they ran him to xray and I sat there still in shock trying to comprehendd what was goin on and not go through all the bad scenarios trying to stay calm. Next they started trying for an IV and the nurses started explaining to me the procedure for blood teansfusions, trying to focus and listen to what they were telling me while watching two nurses on both sides of my husband trying their hardest to get an IV an havin them continue to collapse, while dean continued to cough up blood a few times I had to get up and wipe blood off his face still just in shock that this much blood was pouring out of his mouth. a little later the ENt dr came in and did a scope through his nose i stared at the wall holding his hand trying to stay strong the dr said the blood was pooling below his vocal chords and he would need differemt tests to determine where it was coming from. Then they took him toCT, this was at first calming to me because for the past month since being told Dean had cancer we have been waiting for a ct to be sure it hadn't spread. At this point one of his doctors came over and told us they believed it was either an infection in his lungs or the cancer could have spread to his lungs. More time passed another doctor came and told us they wanted to admit him for a scope to see if there was a tear in his throat or lungs and depending on if the bleeding continued they may need to tube him to make sure he didn't damage his airway. His xray came back clear and blood work was great, white blood cells were normal so it didn't indicate infection, hemoglobin was High which meant he had not lost too much blood and didnt need a transfusion. Dean was brought back from CT and the bleeding stopped. At this point it was 10am and he lost over 12 oz of blood. Everything finlly calmed down, and we were transferred to a private ER room.
Around 12pm his Ct came back clear and they couldn't get him in for the scope so they talked about discharging him, just as they started the discharge process his Dr came in and said they had a cancellation so if he wanted to just get it done they could. We agreed it was better to get answers. At 1pm the pulmonologist came in and went over the procedure with us and also went over his CT results, the lungs looked clear but by his incision site some l ymphnodes are inflamed which could be cancer but radiation should take care of those. At 245 they called and said they needed to move the scope to tomorrow due to staffing but felt more comfortable keeping him overnight so we started the wait for a bed in the main hospital . At 430 pm Dean ate for the first time and once again coughed up blood but very little and it stopped again.
At 530 pm they transferred us to the main hospital and everything calmed down.
Dillon got to visit with daddy for a bit before I headed home for the night. It was extremely hard to leave the hospital but I knew Dillon needed me too.
I don't do well with blood, vomit, or hospitals but today my adrenaline kicked in an I was able to handle it all some how only feeling like throwing up once and only crying twice.
I never expected to see that much blood pouring out of my husband but I am so thankful God was watching over him and kept him safe.
Tomorrow they will hopefully do the scope early and as long as everything is ok he will come home.
I'm praying he has a good night and they find whatever is bleeding and it is something minor.
Hopefully we can all get some sleep and tomorrow is a new better day.
Thank you God for watching over and protecting Dean and for keeping him safe and in good hands. Please continue to help him improve and to guide his doctors and medical team and let him come home HEALTHY to us.
We headed to the ER at 5am and Dean coughed up blood the entire drive there.
We got to the ER and y quickly called us to triage as they saw how much blood was coming up they immediately go him a bed and started rushing the testing. First they ran him to xray and I sat there still in shock trying to comprehendd what was goin on and not go through all the bad scenarios trying to stay calm. Next they started trying for an IV and the nurses started explaining to me the procedure for blood teansfusions, trying to focus and listen to what they were telling me while watching two nurses on both sides of my husband trying their hardest to get an IV an havin them continue to collapse, while dean continued to cough up blood a few times I had to get up and wipe blood off his face still just in shock that this much blood was pouring out of his mouth. a little later the ENt dr came in and did a scope through his nose i stared at the wall holding his hand trying to stay strong the dr said the blood was pooling below his vocal chords and he would need differemt tests to determine where it was coming from. Then they took him toCT, this was at first calming to me because for the past month since being told Dean had cancer we have been waiting for a ct to be sure it hadn't spread. At this point one of his doctors came over and told us they believed it was either an infection in his lungs or the cancer could have spread to his lungs. More time passed another doctor came and told us they wanted to admit him for a scope to see if there was a tear in his throat or lungs and depending on if the bleeding continued they may need to tube him to make sure he didn't damage his airway. His xray came back clear and blood work was great, white blood cells were normal so it didn't indicate infection, hemoglobin was High which meant he had not lost too much blood and didnt need a transfusion. Dean was brought back from CT and the bleeding stopped. At this point it was 10am and he lost over 12 oz of blood. Everything finlly calmed down, and we were transferred to a private ER room.
Around 12pm his Ct came back clear and they couldn't get him in for the scope so they talked about discharging him, just as they started the discharge process his Dr came in and said they had a cancellation so if he wanted to just get it done they could. We agreed it was better to get answers. At 1pm the pulmonologist came in and went over the procedure with us and also went over his CT results, the lungs looked clear but by his incision site some l ymphnodes are inflamed which could be cancer but radiation should take care of those. At 245 they called and said they needed to move the scope to tomorrow due to staffing but felt more comfortable keeping him overnight so we started the wait for a bed in the main hospital . At 430 pm Dean ate for the first time and once again coughed up blood but very little and it stopped again.
At 530 pm they transferred us to the main hospital and everything calmed down.
Dillon got to visit with daddy for a bit before I headed home for the night. It was extremely hard to leave the hospital but I knew Dillon needed me too.
I don't do well with blood, vomit, or hospitals but today my adrenaline kicked in an I was able to handle it all some how only feeling like throwing up once and only crying twice.
I never expected to see that much blood pouring out of my husband but I am so thankful God was watching over him and kept him safe.
Tomorrow they will hopefully do the scope early and as long as everything is ok he will come home.
I'm praying he has a good night and they find whatever is bleeding and it is something minor.
Hopefully we can all get some sleep and tomorrow is a new better day.
Thank you God for watching over and protecting Dean and for keeping him safe and in good hands. Please continue to help him improve and to guide his doctors and medical team and let him come home HEALTHY to us.
Thursday, October 19, 2017
I thought I lost my husband
I know I have talked a lot about Deans surgery but there is something I haven't been able to talk about much . There was about 45 mins of Dean's surgery that I thought he didn't make it.
The surgery center does two things to update the family first of all they send you text updates throughout the surgery secondly they give you the surgery number and post on a board what step the patient is in.
The text updates started about 15 mins after they wheeled Dean back. The first one said "surgery started at 1:27pm Dean is doing great". At this point I was under the impression surgery would take 45 mins if it wasnt cancer to an hour and a half if it was cancer unless something went wrong. The second uupdate came in about 30 mins later " surgery is going well Dean is doing great" the third up date changed a bit "surgery is proceeding expectedly Mr. Busser is doing well". This through me off a bit "expectedly" what does that mean and why are you calling him Mr. Busser instead of Dean. That was at the 1 hr mark. Then the text stopped. . . The board updated a bit weird (I will explain in a minute) so at the 2 hr mark my mom could see me getting more nervous and requested a update. 20 mins later "the surgery is proceeding as expected" no update on Dean. The final text came at 3 hrs. "The surgery is proceeding as expected we are closing" still nothing on Dean. Then the board changed again and really scared me.
The board seemed like such a great idea until it decided to update weird and really scared me. There were four categories we watched each patient go through, pre-Op, surgery in progress, waking up, all done. Seems harmless and they all went in order never skipping and trust me I starred at this board as if my life depended on it for 3 1/2 hrs. So we watched, ok Dean is in pre-op, 20 mins later surgery in progress then nothing no change for almost 2 hrs which at this point I knew in my heart it was cancer and was praying it wasn't bad. Then the board changed but not in order he went from surgery in progress to all done. . . Wait what happened to waking up, ok maybe they just forgot to update the board and he has been in post op for awhile, then it went back to surgery in progress and my mom went to ask for an update. Again I sat a little more nervous but praying, praying hard, and waiting. Then after the final text saying they are closing my heart stopped, Deans number on the board changed blue which we had not seen before and said procedure stopped. . . What do you mean procedure stopped? why is it blue? what is going on? IS Dean ok?
At this point I was sure I had lost my husband and was praying to God it was JUST CANCER never did I think I would be asking for it to be cancer but after it took 3 1/2 hrs to perform what his Dr said was a 45 min surgery I no longer knew what to expect.
At this point Dillon video called and asked "where is daddy"and it took all of me not to cry. What if Dean didn't make it how am I going to explain this to Dillon? How are we going to move forward? How do I make sure Dillon remembers daddy and Mason knows his dad? So many emotions flooded my body and I smiled and said he is talking to the Doctor, trying to not let Dillon see me upset.
I sat in the waiting room waiting for the Doctor to come tell me what was going on because dean's preop nurse said before surgery the doctor loves to come and find the family after surgery and tell them how well it went. I prayed that when the doctor came he had a smile on his face and didn't have the chaplain with him. But the doctor didn't come then they called me over to the phone. This was such a relief because in my head they won't give you bad news over the phone. There I stood, in the middle of the waiting room, surrounded by four other families also awaiting an update on their loved ones, as i answered the phone.
I was so relieved when the doctor started with Dean handle the surgery great! He is ALIVE! I was so happy and braced for the Doctor to tell me it was cancer, "ready" for that statement. Then he continued, "the surgery was much more complicated then we expected, the biopsy came back positive for cancer". (Ok i figured that) "it was in all of his lymoh nodes" wait what the ultrasound shhowed the lymph nodes are clear this can't be right, I immediately started crying, feeling all the eyes around me staring at me but I didn't care, my mind was blank and I was trying so hard to focus on what the doctor was saying and think of questions i needed to ask, then it just continued to get worse, " the cancer was wrapped around his vocal cords I did my best to clean it all off and to preserve the vocal cords but we won't know if he can talk until he fully wakes up". . . He continued to explain I had to wait an hour and a half to see Dean and that they had to place a drain in Deans neck but it would only need to sray in for 12-24 hrs and we needed to wait for blood work to see if Dean had to stay the night or could go home. I held the phone crying my eyes out wondering how this all happened, how did it get so bad and how bad was Dean going to be.
The next hour and a half took forever, I must have checked the time every 30 seconds, I felt completely numb and just kept praying he would wake up ok, praying he could talk, praying it was going to ok, but also thanking God he was alive. All of me just wanted to find my way to recovery and see for myself Dean was ok. I kept myself as calm as possible reminding myself I was pregnant and the last thing we needed was for me to go into labor especially since Dean wouldn't be able to be there to see mason be born and it's way to early for Mason to be delivered, so I focused on breathing and just kept drinking my water. I updated a couple people but thankfully my mom did most of the updating because I just couldn't even think straight. I was numb but relieved and had moments of composure and moments I balled my eyes out. I thanked God it was JUST CANCER but at the same time just kept replaying what the doctor said in my head trying to figure out how it could be this bad.
They finally came and got me to go see Dean in recovery, the security guard who walked me to recovery didn't say much and I felt so bad for him because he was the one to hand me the phone not knowing I was about to get bad news ( I will never forget looking up at him while I was on the phone crying and he was pale and had the most shocked face ever I don't think he ever expected them to give that news over the phone) I tried to bring up small talk so we werent awkwardly silently walking and also to get my mind off everything. As we walked I prayed so hard,1 I didn't know how the incision was going to look, what the drain would look like(I don't do well with blood and didn't want to pass out) and most importantly if Dean was going to be awake and if he could talk. As we turned the corner I saw Dean through the front of the curtain with his eyes closed laying there, I stopped for a second behind the curtain to prepare myself. Then as I walked around the curtain Dean turned and looked at me and said something. I immediately bursted into tears, so much relief rushed over me, I grabbed his hand crying just so happy he was ok and talking. I thanked God I was able to hold his hand and talk to him.
Dean didn't know anything at this point he said he guessed it was cancer because he felt them draw his blood which they said they would only do if it was and he knew he was under much longer than 45 mins because he could hear the nurses discussing shift change. I tried to explain to him everything but kept reminding him the most important thing was he was OK. The doctor finally came in and answered so many questions and spent about 30 mins discussing everything with us again and it helped being able to stand next to Dean and know he was ok and the doctor also helped calm down my fears by answering all of my questions. He told us it was the largest tumors he had ever seen at 9cm and also that his thyroid had actually exploded to twice the size it should have been. He said he truly never expected it to be cancer and was surprised when the biopsy came back positive.
Friday October 13th was one of the hardest days of my life and truly challenged me to let go and let God. It also reminded me how precious life is and that I shouldn't take anything for granted. I am so grateful to our loving and amazing God that he protected Dean and guided his Drs and surgical team. I thank God he put such a strong amazing man in my life, choosing Dean as my soul mate. I am so blessed we are still all together and we will definitely celebrate every second we get to spend as a family. This chapter of our lives may seem like such a huge event but it will hopefully just be a small chapter in our story and i pray we can move forward from here, healthy.
The surgery center does two things to update the family first of all they send you text updates throughout the surgery secondly they give you the surgery number and post on a board what step the patient is in.
The text updates started about 15 mins after they wheeled Dean back. The first one said "surgery started at 1:27pm Dean is doing great". At this point I was under the impression surgery would take 45 mins if it wasnt cancer to an hour and a half if it was cancer unless something went wrong. The second uupdate came in about 30 mins later " surgery is going well Dean is doing great" the third up date changed a bit "surgery is proceeding expectedly Mr. Busser is doing well". This through me off a bit "expectedly" what does that mean and why are you calling him Mr. Busser instead of Dean. That was at the 1 hr mark. Then the text stopped. . . The board updated a bit weird (I will explain in a minute) so at the 2 hr mark my mom could see me getting more nervous and requested a update. 20 mins later "the surgery is proceeding as expected" no update on Dean. The final text came at 3 hrs. "The surgery is proceeding as expected we are closing" still nothing on Dean. Then the board changed again and really scared me.
The board seemed like such a great idea until it decided to update weird and really scared me. There were four categories we watched each patient go through, pre-Op, surgery in progress, waking up, all done. Seems harmless and they all went in order never skipping and trust me I starred at this board as if my life depended on it for 3 1/2 hrs. So we watched, ok Dean is in pre-op, 20 mins later surgery in progress then nothing no change for almost 2 hrs which at this point I knew in my heart it was cancer and was praying it wasn't bad. Then the board changed but not in order he went from surgery in progress to all done. . . Wait what happened to waking up, ok maybe they just forgot to update the board and he has been in post op for awhile, then it went back to surgery in progress and my mom went to ask for an update. Again I sat a little more nervous but praying, praying hard, and waiting. Then after the final text saying they are closing my heart stopped, Deans number on the board changed blue which we had not seen before and said procedure stopped. . . What do you mean procedure stopped? why is it blue? what is going on? IS Dean ok?
At this point I was sure I had lost my husband and was praying to God it was JUST CANCER never did I think I would be asking for it to be cancer but after it took 3 1/2 hrs to perform what his Dr said was a 45 min surgery I no longer knew what to expect.
At this point Dillon video called and asked "where is daddy"and it took all of me not to cry. What if Dean didn't make it how am I going to explain this to Dillon? How are we going to move forward? How do I make sure Dillon remembers daddy and Mason knows his dad? So many emotions flooded my body and I smiled and said he is talking to the Doctor, trying to not let Dillon see me upset.
I sat in the waiting room waiting for the Doctor to come tell me what was going on because dean's preop nurse said before surgery the doctor loves to come and find the family after surgery and tell them how well it went. I prayed that when the doctor came he had a smile on his face and didn't have the chaplain with him. But the doctor didn't come then they called me over to the phone. This was such a relief because in my head they won't give you bad news over the phone. There I stood, in the middle of the waiting room, surrounded by four other families also awaiting an update on their loved ones, as i answered the phone.
I was so relieved when the doctor started with Dean handle the surgery great! He is ALIVE! I was so happy and braced for the Doctor to tell me it was cancer, "ready" for that statement. Then he continued, "the surgery was much more complicated then we expected, the biopsy came back positive for cancer". (Ok i figured that) "it was in all of his lymoh nodes" wait what the ultrasound shhowed the lymph nodes are clear this can't be right, I immediately started crying, feeling all the eyes around me staring at me but I didn't care, my mind was blank and I was trying so hard to focus on what the doctor was saying and think of questions i needed to ask, then it just continued to get worse, " the cancer was wrapped around his vocal cords I did my best to clean it all off and to preserve the vocal cords but we won't know if he can talk until he fully wakes up". . . He continued to explain I had to wait an hour and a half to see Dean and that they had to place a drain in Deans neck but it would only need to sray in for 12-24 hrs and we needed to wait for blood work to see if Dean had to stay the night or could go home. I held the phone crying my eyes out wondering how this all happened, how did it get so bad and how bad was Dean going to be.
The next hour and a half took forever, I must have checked the time every 30 seconds, I felt completely numb and just kept praying he would wake up ok, praying he could talk, praying it was going to ok, but also thanking God he was alive. All of me just wanted to find my way to recovery and see for myself Dean was ok. I kept myself as calm as possible reminding myself I was pregnant and the last thing we needed was for me to go into labor especially since Dean wouldn't be able to be there to see mason be born and it's way to early for Mason to be delivered, so I focused on breathing and just kept drinking my water. I updated a couple people but thankfully my mom did most of the updating because I just couldn't even think straight. I was numb but relieved and had moments of composure and moments I balled my eyes out. I thanked God it was JUST CANCER but at the same time just kept replaying what the doctor said in my head trying to figure out how it could be this bad.
They finally came and got me to go see Dean in recovery, the security guard who walked me to recovery didn't say much and I felt so bad for him because he was the one to hand me the phone not knowing I was about to get bad news ( I will never forget looking up at him while I was on the phone crying and he was pale and had the most shocked face ever I don't think he ever expected them to give that news over the phone) I tried to bring up small talk so we werent awkwardly silently walking and also to get my mind off everything. As we walked I prayed so hard,1 I didn't know how the incision was going to look, what the drain would look like(I don't do well with blood and didn't want to pass out) and most importantly if Dean was going to be awake and if he could talk. As we turned the corner I saw Dean through the front of the curtain with his eyes closed laying there, I stopped for a second behind the curtain to prepare myself. Then as I walked around the curtain Dean turned and looked at me and said something. I immediately bursted into tears, so much relief rushed over me, I grabbed his hand crying just so happy he was ok and talking. I thanked God I was able to hold his hand and talk to him.
Dean didn't know anything at this point he said he guessed it was cancer because he felt them draw his blood which they said they would only do if it was and he knew he was under much longer than 45 mins because he could hear the nurses discussing shift change. I tried to explain to him everything but kept reminding him the most important thing was he was OK. The doctor finally came in and answered so many questions and spent about 30 mins discussing everything with us again and it helped being able to stand next to Dean and know he was ok and the doctor also helped calm down my fears by answering all of my questions. He told us it was the largest tumors he had ever seen at 9cm and also that his thyroid had actually exploded to twice the size it should have been. He said he truly never expected it to be cancer and was surprised when the biopsy came back positive.
Friday October 13th was one of the hardest days of my life and truly challenged me to let go and let God. It also reminded me how precious life is and that I shouldn't take anything for granted. I am so grateful to our loving and amazing God that he protected Dean and guided his Drs and surgical team. I thank God he put such a strong amazing man in my life, choosing Dean as my soul mate. I am so blessed we are still all together and we will definitely celebrate every second we get to spend as a family. This chapter of our lives may seem like such a huge event but it will hopefully just be a small chapter in our story and i pray we can move forward from here, healthy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)