Mom life

Having a newborn isn't easy, having a toddler and a newborn is no joke. Some days I feel like I'm drowning and so overwhelmed and other days (like today) are exactly how I thought having two boys would be. 

Today Mason is 5 weeks old and I'm colmpletely back to being able to do everything with out worrying about my incision. 

We don't get much sleep and the boys I swear are teamed up together to take turns sleeping so I don't get sleep but it's ok because they are worth it and it gives me time with each of them alone while the other is sleeping. 

For the most part Dillon has done amazing if anything he loves his brother too much and doesn't want to keep his hands off of him. He definitely was expecting Mason to be born older and already ready to play but he is enjoying the fact that Mason is already more alert. I love how every morning the first thing Dillon does is ask where "Masey Bear" is and goes over gives him a kiss and in the cutest voice says I love you and when we're driving and Mason is mad about the car seat Dillon tells him it's ok were almost there lol so cute. But don't get me wrong sometimes his jealousy shows and tantrums are a new occurrence with him but he's already getting better and we know this is such a huge change for him as well. The hardest part is explaining to him why momma has to feed him especially with how much Mason eats, if it's been a rough day Dillon insists Mason isn't hungry and eo3snt need to eat lol. Dillons loves taking baths with Mason but his favorite thing to do is grab my nursing pillow and hold Mason on his lap. Dillon is definitely happy momma can pick him up again and we are getting out of the house more which he loves. We are trying to plan special outings with Dillon to make the transition smoother and help us all get some fresh air and have fun. 

Mason is growing like crazy and eating nonstop. He has his fussy hours at night which isn't easy especially nights before Dean works because then I am up all night with Mason and up early with Dillon but some nights he is just awake and not fussy which is so much more fun (obviously). He is starting to coo and play more on his mat or in the bath and his vision is getting stronger so he actually likes to look around and watch the soothers. 

Dean started back to both jobs this week which is definitely a bigger challenge it means 3 12 hr shifts and 2 8-10 hr shifts but he loves his jobs and it allows me to stay home with the boys. 

Some days are hard especially if Dillon had a rough night, some days we don't get out of pajamas and nothing gets done, but other days make up for it with adventures and days full of playing. Some days I'm so tired I feel like I could collapse but other days I get a little more sleep and can actually be productive. I don't know the last time I did my hair and showers are usually short because either Mason is hungry or Dillon wants momma. Meals are eaten with one hand and eaten as fast as i can,  most of my days are spent feeding Mason and playing with Dillon at the same time, and we have had to cancel plans due to a fussy baby (thank you to my family for taking Dillon so he doesn't have to miss out), and take 5 times as long to do anything between stopping to breastfeed and just trying to get out of the house but all of this chaos is worth it because my heart has never been so full. I worried how I would have enough love for both of them but somehow I seem to love them both even more.  I feel so blessed to be their momma and am so excited for the months and years to come. Even though the nights are long and some days are rough I wouldn't change it for the world because I have been so incredibly blessed by these little boys. 

Breastfeeding

With Dillon I was not allowed to breastfeed, between the infection, 7 different antibiotics, and my milk not coming in I had no choice but to formula feed which I didn't mind, fed is best and he was happy and gaining weight. But I wondered if I would ever be able to breastfeed because my mom's milk never came in on time and since my milk didnt come in with Dillon I was told it could be hereditary.
With Mason I was determined to try and bought everything I could so I would be prepared. With Dillon I was able to give him colostrum for the first 12 hrs until my infection started and he had a GREAT latch and immediately found it when placed on my chest he was an easy Breastfeeder. With Mason I just thought it would go the same but it didn't. He didn't try to find the breast so I would have to wake him up and try to get him to latch then he had a tongue tie and wouldn't latch right which caused pain. Luckily his tongue tie has stretched, his latch is great, and there is no more pain but it still is harder than I expected.
I GIVE ALL BREASTFEEDING MOMS MAD CREDIT!!
Mason eats roughly every hour and a half to two hours if I'm lucky (sometimes it's every 45 mins to an hour). I seriously feed ALL day unless I pump and then take a break by giving him pumped milk from a bottle. Luckily he has no problem with nipple confusion. I didn't realize how much breast feeding takes, it's not like a bottle fed baby that rests in between feeds and goes 3-4 hrs easy in between feeds and you can't really take a break unless you pump but then you are attached to a pump for at least 10 mins. You really don't get a break when you choose to breastfeed.
They also a rent kidding when they say baby can smell you, sometimes it's so hard for me to calm him because he can smell me and thinks he should be eating if he is with me. So its challenging to only be able to calm him by feeding him.
Then comes all the questions with breastfeeding, can I take this medicine or use this oil while breastfeeding? Is he getting enough? Is he still hungry or just fussy? Is he gassy from something I ate? How is he still eating (some days I have fed 3 hrs straight)?  With formula most of these arent issues.
Then comes all the changes with your breasts. I didn't realize how easily they get engorged and how painful It really is. If Mason goes over 3 hrs (usually when we supplement with formula) and I haven't pumped OMG I'm dying. I never expected that, i have heard of the cracking and bleeding but never heard about the pain and how often you get engorged.
But through all of this I'm not complaining more just saying how I was unaware just how hard it is to breastfeed and truly understand why they say nursing mom's are superheroes. Especially with the fact that breastfeeding is also very exhausting emotionally and physically. I totally believe now that you burn on average 500 calories while breastfeeding because it literally drains you.
But I'm proud to say I'm still breastfeeding even though we have started supplementing at night because he just isn't getting satisfied with my milk at night but that's ok again FED IS BEST.
Also I'm not saying formula feeding is easy it comes with it's own set of demands and challenges.
FED IS BEST. And being a parent of a newborn is hard, exhausting, and challenging no matter what is best for each baby.
I have considered giving up a handful of times but with it being cold and flu season I know breastfeeding is a major plus and I feel like this is something I never expected to be able to do so just giving up isn't an option because I feel lucky I have the chance to breast feed. Will we make it a year probably not but we have made it four weeks and I'm going to take it day by day and hopefully make it at least 2 months and see from there. This hasn't been easy but it's worth it.

Mason Alan

For about the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy I made sure I had a babysitter to watch Dillon during my doctors appointments just in case they needed to do an exam or in case something went wrong and they sent me to L&D. I also would try to clean the house and ours rooms a bit incase we would be gone for awhile and other people had to come help watch Dillon or so i could easily explain where things were incase something was needed. Thank goodness I did too because unfortunately we had quite a few unexpected complications and  were sent to L&D. At my 37 week appt I finally scheduled my csection for December 19th at 130pm and had no issues that week so we decided to bring Dillon to our 38 week appt so he could hear brothers heartbeat one more time before he was born. I didn't have time to clean and literally didn't bring anything with me (no snacks for Dillon, no hospital bad, no toys for Dillon, no carseat, no phone chargers, I didn't even have a phone because my phone had crashed) we just jumped in the car and went to what should have been a quick 10 min appt. Next thing we know my bp was elevated and my doctor said she felt it was time to have a baby because with how my last delivery went she didn't want to risk anything and definitely didn't want to risk me having a seizure on top of my infection risk. We were in shock and headed to the hospital with Dillon. They checked me in but since I had eaten on the way to the Dr appt we had to wait 6 hrs before we could do the surgery, so we started the long wait and thankfully my parents and sister were able to drive out and pick up Dillon.

Finally after the long wait they came and got me to head to the operating room. This csection was sooo much different than Dillons which I expected.
First I walked into the OR, with Dillon since I had an epidural they wheeled me in.
Then the part I was worried about the spinal tap, with Dillon I had the epidural so I didn't know how numb I was last time and how much I would feel this time, but it was actually super easy except that they had me lean on a rolling table so when they did the numbing shot I moved forward than they realized they forgot to have a nurse on the other side of the table to help support me. They had me lay down and strapped down both my arms, with Dillon they only strapped down one which I liked so much better.
At this point they brought Dean in, way sooner than they did with Dillon, with Dillon they actually did the first cut before bringing Dean in.
They then set up the curtain which I was super excited about. It was their first time using it so they were excited too. It was a solid curtain but just as they went to pull Mason out they took off the blue part so i could see him. I was extremely greatful for this too since I didn't get to see him after they took him to check him out.
So they took him to check him out and clean him and weigh/measure him and then we're going to bring him back for immediate skin to skin but unfortunately he had some rapid breathing and had to be monitored by the nicu team for an hour.
The nice thing about loma Linda is they let my family see me in recovery and let them all into the nursery to meet Mason while he was being monitored. (At pomona i was alone thr first hour then they let me have Dillon the second hour but i couldnt see anyone not even Dean until we got to our room) Dillon was so excited to meet his brother and then so happy to be able to visit me and tell me he met brother.
After an hour they brought Mason to recovery with me and about an hour later we were moved to our room.
At that point our recovery was soo much easier. I immediately wanted to start walking and wanted the catheter out. But my night nurse said 24hrs. . . So I waited and asked my morning nurse (lol) and she said as long as I felt ready she was fine with it so roughly 15 hrs after surgery I got myself up and got the catheter out. It was so much easier to stand up and walk this time then it was with Dillon and my recovery followed being much easier.
Mason was such a calm baby and other than having some latching issues was so easy and slept most of the time, as long as we didn't put him down. The middle of the first night though he got extremely fussy and Dean and I knew something wasn't right. Around 4am we asked for formula because we had a feeling he wasn't getting enough, the nurs3s gave us a bit of a hard time but as soon as they saw him suck down the formula realized I was right and he needed to be supplemented. After he got some formula he was back to his happy sleepy self. My Dr came in the following morning and asked when I wanted to go home, we knew csection policy was 72 hrs but explained we had somewhere we really wanted to be Friday morning and she said that I looked great and she had now problem discharging me after 48 hrs! I was so happy. They started all of Masons tests and he was completely healthy except for some jaundice and a blocked tear duct. He did lose 10% of his body weight and was 7lbs when we went home but has quickly regained the weight.
 Since we both were healthy all of our doctors agreed to discharge us at 48 hrs (2days vs the 6 days we stayed with Dillon) but we had to go back to the doctor Friday, Monday, and Tuesday to follow up on the jaundice.
Even though we were not expecting to deliver Mason a week early it went so smoothly and I'm glad we did and glad he was delivered safely and we were both healthy.
Mason Alan Busser
12/12/17 5:15pm
7lbs 12oz 19 1/2in
Loma Linda University

RAI treatment update

Tonight is Dean Busser's first night home. It was so good to have him around today and Dillon was so excited to have daddy home. It also feels so good to all be under the same roof tonight even if we are all in different rooms. It's a huge pressure off my shoulders knowing he is here if I go into labor and won't miss the delivery. It feels so good to have the complete isolation behind us and I can't wait to be past this completely.
Dean has done pretty well through all of this, it has definitely made him weak and exhausted especially not having thyroid medication but he is so strong and only has one more day before he starts his thyroid medication. We are taking extra precautions through all of this and staying apart, limiting contact, and sleeping apart for extra days just to be 100% sure the boys are safe (they required two days and said if we want to be cautious limit extended contact and sleep apart for 5 days, we stayed apart for 3 days and are limiting extended contact and sleeping apart for 7 days we also aren't hugging or holding hands or kissing for 7 days when they only suggested 2-5 days)
 This whole thing has definitely been weird, last night we got together for the first time for a few hours and not being able to hug, kiss, or hold hands was strange, now being in the same house sleeping in separate rooms is even stranger, BUT knowing he will be healthy and this will be over before Mason is here makes it all worth it.
Monday life will go back to normal and this will all be a distant memory. I'm ready to have my husband back to normal and Dillon's so ready for his daddy to be able to play and cuddle.
Monday Dean will have a full body scan to check for any possible cancer and Tuesday he has a follow up for the lung bleed and ulcer and to schedule his repeat brochoscope. Tuesday is also my final Dr appt before Mason's csection. Dean returns to work Wednesday and works through Sunday and then is off for a little over a week for family bonding. These last few weeks of 2017 are going to be crazy but hopefully all happy moments from here on out.

December

December. . . I have anxiously awaited this month with so many mixed emotions.
In the beginning of 2017 we celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary and Dillon turning 2, then a few weeks later we got the biggest surprise blessing Easter morning that we were pregnant . From that day forward I have been looking forward to December. Wondering what the rest of the year would have in store as we prepared to become a family of four.
Then mid August our year took another unexpected turn when Dean found the lump in his neck. Trying to figure out what was going on and getting bad news on surgery day, October 13th, we then had to try to schedule everything and still prepare for Mason. Last month we scheduled deans radioactive iodine treatment and prayed mason would cooperate and not come early so that we didn't have to reschedule. Every doctors appointment and every time I was sent to labor and delivery we just wanted a clean bill of health for mason and to be able to go home.
Now here we are December 1st, 3 days from his treatment, and I'm once again full of emotions. I am so grateful God answered our prayers and Dean will be able to complete his treatment before Mason arrives but I'm also scared. Scared for the possibility of Dean missing the delivery and scared for the next week without Dean.  I'm going to take it extremely easy and hope Mason stays comfy and am going to try to keep Dillon distracted from the fact daddy isn't home. Thankfully I have my amazing family to support us and help us through all of this.
Starting Friday will be all new emotions, excitement to have Deans treatment behind us, excitement to be 38 weeks pregnant, excitement to have Dean home, and excitement for Dillon to be becoming a big brother. But also nerves as the countdown to csection day begins. My Csection is scheduled for December 19th at 130 and as excited and ready as I am to hold Mason and finally have him here, so many other emotions come with it. I'm not looking forward to the hospital stay and being away from Dillon, I'm a little nervous for the csection itself, and then also just the normal mom fears of having two littles and how we will adjust to this new chapter.
I am praying this month goes smoothly, that there are no complications with Deans treatment and it gets it all, that his follow up for the bleeding in his lungs goes well and doesn't show any other complications, that my csection goes smoothly and recovery is fast and Mason is healthy, that Dillon remains excited enjoys Christmas and enjoys being a big brother, and that we end 2017 on a good note and in good health.

Trying to sleep

Right now I feel like I'm so over exhausted I can't even sleep. The night/morning everything happened I got two hours of sleep because I couldn't fall asleep until almost 2am then Dillon woke up at 4am and Dean came running in at 5am and off we went to the hospital. That night I came home after being gone for the longest I have ever left Dillon (15 hrs). We snuggled in bed for a bit then didn't get much sleep that night because he was still having a hard time with the fact that I wasn't home when he woke up and then was gone for so long plus not having Daddy home which hasn't happened since he was a baby. I set my alarm for 830 to make sure i got to the hospital before deans procedure but woke up at 730 and started my day. Last night when I got home (again after 12 hrs) Dillon has a cold and i knew it would be another rough night. Between Dillon still not sure about our change in schedule, his cold, and me having to pee all night from being 34 weeks pregnant I again am running on about 3 hrs of sleep. I set my alarm for 9 am today in hopes to sleep in but with everything was up at 7am not able to go back to sleep.
My parents and sister have both offered to take Dillon for the night so I can sleep but after being away all day I need 5hose night time snuggles and even if it means we are up every 45 mins so Dillon can make sure I'm home I will take it so I can spend some time with him.
In the mornings I am usually running on adrenaline waiting for one of dean's procedures or test results or to hear if he is coming home then by 4pm/5pm I crash and the exhaustion takes over. Then I come home and I find more energy when I am greeted by Dillons goofy smile and excitement when he sees me.
Hopefully today is the last of all of this and we can bring home and all be healthy and safe under one roof (and get some sleep) but if not I know I will continue to find energy and strength and am so blessed to have my family to help keep me going and keep Dillon safe and having fun when I'm not home.

Finding our strength

With facebook and Instagram and all the other social media sources, we are exposed to various stories and events for people around us that before we would have had no idea was going on.
Over the past few years I have watched as young families have battled cancer and always thought I would never be able to handle that and wondered how they have balanced everything and admired their strength. Over these past few weeks I have had a small glimpse into what all goes on. Thankfully dean's thyroid cancer was caught early and was/is easily treated but it has still come with its challenges especially with a two and a half year old.
We are so incredibly blessed with an amazing support system. My parents and sister have really made having to leave Dillon easy and have been able to change their schedules to watch him so I'm not having to worry about finding a sitter and worrying about how he is behaving and adjusting since he really isn't ever babysat either I'm home, take him with me, Deans home, or my parents and sister are able to watch him. I am forever grateful for everything they have done for us during these past few months not only does it allow us to go to appointments together and for me to be completely there for Dean without having to run after Dillon or worry if he is having fun at home. They have been there as I have gotten some of the most devastating news and have helped keep me strong when it feels like everything is falling apart.
With Deans surgery I left that morning expecting it to take about 4 hrs total and every doctor was almost completely certain it wasn't cancer and would be a routine treatment. Then after a 3 1/2 hr surgery our lives changed, we were faced with many more doctors appointments and treatments and I was immediately torn as they said Dean would possibly be admitted to the hospital, do I stay with my husband or go home with my toddler. Again my parents and sister immediately stepped in offering to take Dillon for the night. Luckily Dean came home but than yesterday we were once again faced with Dean being admitted and a long day of needing people to watch Dillon. At 5am everyone helped to stay with Dillon and my mom came with me as Dean started throwing up blood, I had no idea what we were about to face or be told and definitely didn't want to be alone and was so relieved knowing Dillon didn't have to be woken up at 5am and kknowing he would have a fun day no matter what time we made it home.
I sat in the hospital immediately feeling comfort and knowing God would protect us and guide us. Suddenly finding this strength to once again power through and stay strong for Dean, with that being said I also had moments of weakness where I have bawled my eyes out but for everything we have been through the strength I have found through God and all the support from my family and friends praying and reaching out to us and even through social media and knowing I could ask for prayers and immediately have tons of people joining us in prayer for answers, positive results, and guidance has been unimaginable. Even in those moments of weakness when worry, exhaustion, and being overwhelmed takes over there is still comfort and strength we feel from everyone around us. I have felt horrible as I sit there crying by Dean even though he is the one that is diagnosed with cancer and throwing up blood but he understands and somehow continues to be that comfort and strength for me as he always is.
Dean is amazing and so strong through all of this. At times I find myself just staring at him in awe of his strength and determination to push through. He still continues to work and put Dillon and I first even as he is going through something I could never imagine. He smiles and cracks jokes as if none of this has happened.
Last night I had to choose between staying with Dean or going home to Dillon. After being up since 4am, only sleeping two hours prior to that, and not seeing Dillon awake since Friday night Dean and I decided it was best I go home to Dillon. Leaving the hospital wasn't easy but having Dillon with me made it easier. Going to bed and having Dillon crying saying he wants his best friend and needs dadda wasnt easy but i was so thankful for FaceTime and giving Dillon a little more time to see daddy before he fell asleep. This morning as I packed stuff and got ready to leave for the hospital it was hard to leave Dillon again not knowing when I would get home. I thought about families that have to travel back and forth to the hospital for days weeks month at a time and am again in admiration of their strength and ability to continue moving forward. I have barely had a glimpse into this life and it isn't easy and is a constant struggle to not let weaknesses take over, every minute anything can change and you are just waiting for the next step the next result the next minute to come and praying it will get better.
I pray this is our last night of hospital stays for Dean and that we don't have too many more obstacles. We still have a few days of isolation for Dean coming up during radiation  but at least he will be in a hotel not a hospital and should be healthy and I wont have to worry to much about complications. We actually just found out partial results of Dean's scope and unfortunately they weren't what we had hoped for but I am soo incredibly grateful Dean was admitted last night and they did the scope today instead of waiting a week or two or going home and having him start coughingup blood again. They found active bleeding in the left lobe of his lung, Now we wait for results again, wait to hear if it's an infection, broken vessel, or if his thyroid cancer spread. The cancer spreading has been a huge fear of mine and here I am once again being forced to face one of my fears but standing strong knowing God is watching over us. Yesterday they wanted to discharge Dean because they didn't have an opening for the scope but last minute, seriously as Dean was standing up to change, they came in and said they had a cancellation and if it was ok they would admit him. We (well I agreed Dean just was forced to comply lol) agreed and waited for the procedure even though they felt it was just being done as a precaution I knew something wasn't right no one just throws up that much blood for no reason. The procedure got pushed to today but the doctor said he felt more comfortable keeping him and I completely agreed. This wasnt by accident, there wasn't a cancellation just because this was God watching over us, guiding us, and protecting us. So even though this has been a fear of mine the past 4 weeks today it seems easier to face knowing it was found, knowing God will continue to watch over us, and knowing God will protect Dean. Im still praying its not cancer but if it is i know God will watch over us, comfort us and give us strength to move forward and I know Dean will conquer it, probably laughing and still doing everything at 110%.
I keep being told it's amazing how strong we are being through this and it catches me off guard, there are times I don't feel strong, I feel broken, exhausted, weak, defeated. Times when I cry my eyes out because of results or due to exhaustion or the thought of once again going home with out Dean but then I pull it together and remind myself that Dean is alive and he will one day come home with us (hopefully tomorrow) and I realize that this is just our new normal and there is nothing we can do to change it but get answers and run tests and follow treatments. So we have to be strong, we have to push forward, and we have to live our lives to the best we can right now because this is our lives and we have to enjoy every second we are blessed with. We have to try to keep some kind of normal for Dillon and make sure he has his mommy and daddy time even if that means I have to leave at night and anxiously wait at home for a phone call.
The hardest part of leaving the hospital right now is the fear that something will once again go wrong or that his bleeding will restart and not stop and knowing I am at least 40 mins away. But this is Again when I turn to God and trust him and his plan and am thankful for cell phones and FaceTime so I can check in on Dean whenever I want.
Even though we never imagined this would happen and honestly would have preferred it didn't happen, it has reminded us of everything we have to be thankful for. My amazing family, our friends, our time together, the advances in technology medical and communication, Deans doctors and medical team, our amazing insurance, our two little boys and their health, and most importantly our  faith and God.
At this point I am praying we can easily fix whatever is going on with Dean right now and he comes home safe and healthy, we are praying that he can still do the radiation (maybe even sooner) and that will take care of any and all cancer, we are praying Dillon and Mason stays healthy and that Mason comes after Dean is all better and his delivery is safe and healthy without complications, and we are praying Dean gets a clean bill of health and is completely back to himself before Mason arrives so we can enjoy Christmas as a healthy family of four.
Dean is still in good spirits and just wants to go home and move forward with radiation treatments. Once again being the strong crazy man that I admire and love with all my heart. We went to a wedding for the first time together since dean's diagnoses last week. As we sat listening to the vows they took on a whole new meaning. On our wedding day we stood there so full of excitement and love, not knowing what our futures would hold but knowing we would conquer it together, this weekend i listened to the vows and realized just how much meaning these have take on for us. "I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part" our marriage has had its fair share of challenges but we have stuck together, on our wedding day for better and for worsefor richer for poorer is just part of the vows and you think seriously how bad can it get you are so incredibly happy and well at least for us we were already "poor" financially like most young married couples now but as challenges arise your vows are challenged and you find yourselves leaning on each other. But than they get to in sickness and in health and it took everything not to cry, on our wedding day we were(and still are) young. Standing there it is like it will be at least fifty years before we face any serious sickness but we were wrong, here we are coming up to our 6th anniversary facing in sickness and really leaning on our vows to each other. Using this challenge of our vows to bring us closer together and not allowing it to tear us apart. We had gotten to the point where we were mommy and daddy and often forgot we were also husband and wife but since everythingnhas started we have been reminded we are also husband and wife and have said vows to each other and need to make time for each other and to hold hands and continue to pray together every night even if we are exhausted. I couldn't ask for a better should mate and would say our vows all over again in a heartbeat because I couldn't imagine going through this with anyone else and I am greatful God has given me Dean as my best friend.