Twins birth story

On Friday July 9th I went in for my 36 week prenatal appt. We still had two weeks until our scheduled c-section but my blood pressure was starting to climb so we were thinking about moving my csection up to 37 weeks. I had been checking and charting all my blood pressure reads and symptoms so we could make a final decision about moving it up to 37 weeks if necessary.

Dean was working his second job close to home not at the hospital so I had decided to switch cars with him to save gas and I would drive his small car out to the hospital. 

At my appt my dr looked at my swelling, the blood pressure charting, and took my blood pressure in office and saw it was elevated. He sent me to labor and delivery and told me if my blood pressure remained high he would be recommending we deliver that day, otherwise we would be moving it up to 37 weeks. 

I called Dean and had him head to the hospital and it wound up being perfect he had my car because he was able to stop by the house and grab our carseats and hospital bags. We hadn't put anything in the car yet and If he would have had his car it wouldn't have fit.

We were monitored for 5 hours at the hospital. I was having consistent contractions that I hardly felt and didn't realize were contractions and was barely starting to dilate. I had a headache that medication would bring from a pain scale of 6 to a 4 and my blood pressure although slightly elevated wasn't enough to deliver so we figured we would be discharged. When the dr came in to discuss our plan Dean and I were ready to head home and deliver in a week. The dr asked about my headache, when I told her it was a 4 she said she was under the impression it was gone and said ok then we are delivering today. Dean and I sat there completely caught off guard we were sure we were heading home. They started my iv medication for the csection and brought in deans scrubs for the OR. It still seems surreal how quickly it all happened. 

Once in the OR baby B's heartbeat dropped drastically and they ran to get an ultrasound. I was sitting on the bed in position for the spinal tap only to have everything put on hold while they checked with the ultrasound. Luckily her heart rate went back up because if it was still low they were going to have to put me completely under.

My spinal tap was the easiest one I have gotten I only felt the numbing shots but this csection I felt more pulling and pressure then my previous two. 

Right before they brought Dean in the called for the NICU team which I know is standard procedure for premature babies but it still made me nervous.

The surgery went amazing and before we knew it they were pulling out baby a. She didn't cry at first but when they let me touch her and see her through the clear curtain they were able to get her crying. Immediately when I saw her I told Dean I thought we were going to be switching babies names, Baby A was going to be Brooklynn because to me that's who she looked like. I had a dream a few weeks prior and Brooklynn had brown hair and Adelynn was blonde. We saw her for about 30 secs before they went to evaluate her. The nurse put the solid curtain back up and said to let her know when they were pulling out baby b and the dr responded she's already out. Not even a full minute passed between the girls being born. Adelynn also wasn't crying at first but they got her to start crying before handing her off because she had fluid in her lungs. Baby A had blonde hair and that's when I told dean I really felt like we needed to switch their names. He agreed.

Baby A Brookylnn Grace 713pm

Baby B Adelynn Joanna 714pm

Both girls went to be evaluated with Dean and I got to hear their Apgar scores of 8 and 9 which was amazing knowing they were both ok. 

After they finished closing me up they wheeled me to recovery but on the way stopped so I could peak at the girls during their nicu evaluation. I was taken to recovery and had to wait about 20 mins before they brought the girls and Dean to me. When they wheeled the girls in I asked to do skin to skin expecting one at a time and the nurse handed them both to me. At that second it really set in we had twins. 

From here it gets a bit fuzzy, I remember not feeling great but that's expected after a surgery but then I started to hemorrhage. The drs worked quickly and slowed the bleeding and we were able to move to the mother and baby unit. 

I cannot tell you how long we were in the room because again everything for me is a blur. I remember we had just gotten ready for bed and Dean laid down on the chair next to me. I said Dean I'm not feeling great and that's the last thing I remember. 

Next thing I know deans standing on the other side of the bed and drs and nurses are literally running in. I was covered in throw up, extremely exhausted, and confused. They start asking my name, where I was, and why I was in the hospital and I hear one of the nurses say when she came in I was unresponsive and my tongue was hanging out the side of my mouth. Another dr reads my blood pressure 38/27 and that's when chaos really started. I looked at Dean and asked him what was happening because I thought I had fallen asleep. He said I started gagging but couldn't respond and my eyes were open but glazed over so he ran for help. 

I can 100% say Dean saved my life and if he had not been in the room or had not woken up I would not be here today.

15 drs and nurses came in and starting working on me along with the rapid response team. They were pulling handfuls of blood out as they were trying to locate where the bleeding was coming from and would push on my uterus and dean said it looked like someone stepped on a water bottle with how much blood would come out. I had 3 blood transfusions and they inserted a balloon (jada) to help suction the blood. They were pushing so many meds, at times they weren't sure 3 IVs were enough.  I kept falling asleep and coming to to them still working on me. They finally got it under control my blood pressure stabilized and they transferred me to a higher care post partum unit. The rapid response team asked if I needed an ICU bed and my nurse said no we will monitor her we want to keep her with her babies, for that I will forever be grateful. 

The next day I had to have a fourth blood transfusion and plasma transfusion but was starting to feel better. As the day progressed I realized even more so how critical my hemorrhage was. 

One of the nurses came over to check on me and said she had just seen me being wheeled out to postpartum and was so excited for the twins then when she got to the room for the rapid response call her heart dropped as she saw me bleeding out and hemorrhaging. Hearing those words almost broke me, the reality of how close it came hit me like a ton of bricks.

 I found out another one of my nurses personally ran to the blood bank to grab the blood because they didn't think I had time to wait for the blood bank to get the order and get it to me and knew if anything was missed I would run out of time. 

One of the residents came in and said he was amazed to see how well I was doing today after everything I went through and when he heard my blood pressure was 38/27 he was shocked I was still alive. 

All of these moments weighed extremely heavy on me.  I really struggled. Struggled with the fear of going to sleep and possibly not waking up, struggled with the fear of moving and starting to bleed out again, struggled with the fear of not ever healing and not going home to my four kids. I also realized what a blessing it was we couldn't have visitors under 18 due to COVID because if we were allowed to there it is a very good chance the boys would have been in the room when everything happened.

It was a hard day and on top of that they needed me moving and sleeping to be able to watch vitals and bleeding to make sure things were improving. I had to face every fear head on and finally fell apart with Dean and asked him to walk me through every moment. We both cried, and he said he has never been that scared in his life,  he is a nurse and mentioned he had never seen that much blood come out of a person's body. Before each of my deliveries I would have a talk with Dean and we would go over how we wanted the kids raised if something were to happen to me. I know there is a possibility with every surgery but didn't realize how close I would get to it becoming our reality.

Yesterday was hard, but then we faced the hard together and it got better. After 36 hrs of no sleep, I finally got some sleep, I was up and moving (slowly & painfully but moving)and we were on the road to recovery. 

For the first time I stood up and looked at the girls cuddled together in their bassinet. It was a moment I won't ever forget. I could see them from the side but since I wasn't allowed to stand for 36 hours I never got to look down and see how they cuddled together or look at their differences or just admire that I had two babies. 

Dean would show me pictures or I would hold them but the first time I got to stand up and stand at their bassinet looking in at them, I cried. 

I didn't realize it was a moment I had missed or how much it would mean to me but it meant the world. 

I got to look at my babies, I was able to feel part way normal, and most importantly I knew It meant I was healing and would be able to go home to all 4 of my babies and watch them grow up. Something I previously took for granted but will forever be grateful from now on that I get to raise my kids, watch them grow, and be a mom. It can so quickly be taken from you and I really didn't know if I would be able to go home to my family.

There was one big thing I took away from everything that happened. I have always been scared of death and how painful it would be. But even though I was struggling on the outside as I was unresponsive I have no recollections of it, I seriously thought I had fallen asleep. If that Is what dying will be like its not scary it was extremely peaceful. Even though it's hard on those around you who see you suffering, for me, I was sleeping. 

We were discharged Sunday evening and It felt so good to be united as a family of 6. 

We weren't positive we would be discharged as we had to get every doctor to agree and the twins had to pass a carseat test so we didn't tell the boys to make sure we didn't get their hopes up for nothing. Once the girls passed the carseat test we were wheeled out pretty quickly after so decided to just show up and surprise them. They were eating lunch and were so excited and shocked when we walked through the door. They didn't even know how to react but quickly came over to meet their sisters and wanted to hold them. They each immediately took to a twin and the funny part is they chose the twin that most resembles themselves. Dillon wanted Brooklynn and Mason wanted Adelynn.

I was in a lot of pain and this recovery has definitely been my hardest. I still struggle a lot with everything we went through. Seeing blood even if not mine really triggers me. Any increase in my post partum bleeding and I start to panic. 

The Monday after being discharged I passed two large clots the size of tomatoes and I had to rush back into the hospital. Luckily everything was fine and they said after everything i went through the clotting was normal and unless the bleeding became significant I would be fine. 

We are officially 2 weeks post partum and starting to feel like everything will be ok. I had my staples removed and had to once again go to labor and delivery because my iron is extremely low so I needed my 7th iron infusion. This one was much different then my last 6 because instead of them monitoring the babies during the infusion I was able to hold them and be reminded just how blessed we are.

We are still recovering and have a chance of complications up until 6 weeks post partum but are praying everything will continue to improve and heal. I am constantly thanking God the girls were healthy and strong and we have finally completed our family. 

Some fact on the girls

We switched their names at the last minute because I felt like baby A looked more like a Brooklynn and Baby B fit more like an Adelynn.

We also changed Brooklynn's middle name to Grace at the last minute. We felt it was by the grace of God we got these two miracles.

Adelynn swallowed a lot of fluid and needed extra suctioning after birth, she also will need a hip scan at 6 weeks since she was breech when she was born.

Brooklynn has a slight deformity on her foot but they are expecting it to correct itself as it grows. It is already so much better!

On Tuesday at the girls first appt Brooklynns jaundice levels were elevated and they were talking about admitting her to NiCU for light therapy. They ran blood work and actually had to draw blood from both her tiny hands to gelo opoot enough and thankfully decided she didn't need to be admitted. 

Brooklynn looks just like Dillon as a baby and Dillon has claimed her as his baby

Adelynn is identical to Mason in appearance and attitude and the two have already bonded as well. 

I want to say a huge Thank you to our family and friends. Thank you to my parents and sister and brother in law for watching the boys while we were in the hospital and all of the appts following discharge. And thank you to everyone who has reached out with prayers and support and have bought us meals or offered to come help or bring food. We appreciate all of it and could not have gotten through all of this without all the love and prayers and help.

weaning

24 months: 24 months of breastfeeding Mason every 3 hours if not more frequently

2 months: 2 months of slowly weaning at a pace that he was ready for and didnt completely break me

2 week: it has officially been 2 week since Mason has nursed and the process has actually gone much smoother than I expected 

26 months: 26 months and 5 days to be exact of breastfeeding. I never expected to make it this long I had a goal of three months and swore I would not go past 1 year. The first 3 months were torture and I didnt think I would make it to my goal then when I reached it I decided to keep going through flu season, then to 6 months. Then 1 year. Once we hit 1 year I realized neither of us were ready to wean so we kept going. I didnt have plans to wean until we lost the second baby, i didnt wean thinking the nursing caused it but because I almost had to cold turkey wean Mason which I wasn't comfortable with but that was almost my only way to treat the miscarriage due to medication. So when God answered my prayers and allowed me to keep nursing and my body naturally miscarried without medication, Dean and I decided it was time to start weaning but at a slower pace cutting out one feeding at a time. This way if when we start trying again we are unfortunately faced with the medication we dont have to worry about weaning Mason at the same time.

 We waited at least two weeks everytime we cut out a feeding to give him time to adjust and also to slowly help my body and hormones regulate (because to my surprise my body had a much harder time than Mason did). 

-At first we cut out snacking and only nursed at bed/nap and when he woke up, no more comfort or boredom nursing.

- After 2 weeks we decided to try cutting another feed. 

-Next we cut out nursing when he woke up this time we only waited a week before cutting out the next feeding. 

- overnight nursing came next and Thank God for my husband who really stepped up and made this a much easier transition. Even with Dean's crazy schedule he would sleep in our extra bedroom with Mason keeping him distracted throughout the night. We found that if Dean would show Mason I wasnt in our room (I would hide in the bathroom for a few minutes) Mason would settle down much quicker and only cry for a couple minutes before watching blippi with Daddy until he fell asleep. After a week of this he was used to not nursing at night and could have me comfort him back to bed instead of just Dean. 

- after two weeks we then cut the nap nursing session. This one was harder because it meant our nap schedule was not as consistent and some days he skipped his nap all together. The first few days we laid in bed and watched a movie until he fell asleep and gradually he got used to just having me rock him to sleep or laying next to me and falling asleep. 

- After one week of not nursing for naptime I had no plans to cut out the night feedings but had to have dental work and couldn't nurse for 24 hours he didnt have to hard of a time so we decided it was time to go for it. 2 weeks ago I planned to keep the night nursing for at least one more month but now I'm so glad with how smoothly it went and how much it has actually bonded Mason and I more. 

Here's a glimpse at the first seven days of completely weaning:

Night 1: wasn't bad watched a movie and fussed for about 5 mins

Night 2: watched a movie screamed for 5 minutes

Night 3: rocked him in chair asked for a baby a couple times no screaming or crying

Day 4: rock in chair for nap, rocked in chair for bed fussed for less than one minute

Day 5: rocked to sleep for nap no fussing, rocked to sleep for bed fussed for about thirty seconds and was asleep within 1 minute 

Day 6: fell asleep in my arms while standing in line at monster jam, cried for 2 minutes while being rocked then knocked out

Day 7: today he fell asleep for his nap while watching a movie. And at bedtime I sat on the rocking chair and he climbed into my nap and fell asleep no crying, no fussing, no asking for his baba.

We are now 2 weeks into no breastfeeding and it has gone much smoother than I expected. Mason will still ask for it off and on but hasn't nursed at all since we decided it was time to completely wean and hasn't cried for more than 5 minutes throughout the entire process. It's crazy how much weaning him has helped him to grow, he is eating so much more, talking up a storm, and so much more independent. Over the past 2 weeks I have had to have my parents and sister watch him alot and he has not freaked out once, before I couldn't leave for more than an hour without him completely freaking out and being inconsolable. One day we were gone 5 hours and came home to him happy and playing like I had never left. But at the same time he still wants to snuggle in whenever he is tired and ready for bed 💙 I know weaning is different for everyone and for me I knew I couldn't just let him cry it out so Dean and I figured out what would work for him and agreed we didnt want him crying more than 10 mins inconsolably but to my surprise we never even came close to that and he did amazing and was definitely ready. 

Something no one warned me about was how crazy my hormones would go from weaning, I got horrible migraines, cried over everything and was incredibly nauseous for about 5 days after we would cut out a feeding. It was challenging but thankfully we did it at our own pace and a pace that was comfortable for Mason as well so it wasnt torture. 

Our Miscarriage

Dean and I were excited and surprised to find out we were pregnant on November 11, 2019. I was terrified after the ectopic pregnancy but knew my doctors were going to start monitoring early. I called my doctors office and they ordered my blood tests to be done every 48 hours for 2 weeks and a ultrasound. I asked if I should start the medication I was on with the boys to help reduce my odds of a miscarriage but she said no let's wait to see my levels and go from there.

 I made shirts for the boys to announce the pregnancy to my family and immediately told them all knowing no matter what I would need their help and support between the testing and chance of another ectopic/miscarriage. 

The first two HCG tests showed amazing potential and a rise of 101% (anything above a 50% rise is considered a viable pregnancy), 65.1 to 131.1. I was ecstatic and immediately started getting my hopes up,

 **this one would be different we were going to have our rainbow baby.**

The next two still had a rise but not as significant 131 to 273, over a 100% rise but over 72 hours not 48 hours, but still positive the pregnancy was looking great.

Then we went from 273 to 452 (65% increase) still good but I started questioning why is the rise not remaining as significant as in the beginning. I stayed positive but started to worry. I also had an ultrasound this day and even though we knew we were probably too early we were hoping to be able to place it in the uterus not the tubes. But as expected they couldn't find anything

 **Stay positive stay positive **

 

The next test is when everything started to change. That morning I had some spotting but tried to convince myself it could be normal, I went to the lab for my blood draw then took the boys to Disneyland since I had been promising them for a few days. While on the tram my blood test results posted. I questioned if I should open them but told myself waiting for the results would be harder than not knowing. My heart sunk, they went from 452 to 616 a 36% increase, that plus the spotting.

**don't cry in the middle of Disneyland, there is nothing you can do just breathe just breathe** 

 At first I was mad at myself did I just ruin this fun Disney day by opening those results, no I would not let that happen. Then I realized it was a good thing as we rode rides and explored Disneyland it kept me distracted and watching the boys have a blast and light up with everything they saw or did made the pain a little less. Disneyland will hold a different memory for me now but it will also be my happy place and my place of healing and letting go if even just for a few hours. I called my doctor while waiting in line for the our first ride and she recommended we do a progesterone test, which I don't understand why they didn't do that from the beginning, that is what the medication I requested to start in the beginning helps maintain to support a pregnancy. That made it a little harder,

**could this all have been avoided**

I went back to the lab. Normal progesterone is between 11 and 90 for a pregnancy, below 5 is not considered viable I was at 1.8. I knew our dreams for this baby were being crushed and we were not meeting our rainbow baby but now I had to pray it wasn't ectopic and I didn't lose my other tube. My doctor started me on the highest dose of progesterone as a last ditch effort to save the pregnancy but unfortunately the bleeding just got worse and I knew something was wrong. 

Sunday morning I went in for another blood draw and we had gone from 616 to 745 a 21% increase the progesterone wasn't working I was scheduled to meet with my doctor monday morning to once again try to place the pregnancy and discuss my options. 

**just be prepared and know what you want, there is nothing else you can do** 

Monday morning was horrible the drive to the doctors, them not collecting the normal ob intake copay, and ushering me into a room due to my "current situation". They did the ultrasound and my doctor said there was no sign of the pregnancy in the uterus she wanted me to go do one more blood draw and return to her office in 30 mins to discuss starting methotrexate if my numbers were not dropping. 

**dear God please don't let this be ectopic**

I explained to her I was breastfeeding, which would mean cold turkey weaning Mason if I took that medication and how it would be hard for me to be not only losing the pregnancy, but having the side effects of methotrexate, being told I could no longer nurse/comfort Mason, and also have him screaming at me all day and night begging to nurse. She said I'm sorry but you don't have another choice it's looking like this is ectopic since it's not in the uterus which means you could bleed out and lose your last remaining tube. I started crying, she told me to go do the blood draw and we would meet back in an hour and pray my numbers were dropping and that my body was naturally miscarrying.

**I mentally cannot go through this again, I am not ready** 

I went to the lab where at this point most of the phlebotomist and receptionist know me and balled my eyes out, they tried to comfort me and get me through quickly which helped but it was horrible just waiting wondering what these next few days/weeks would hold. Do I go against the doctors advice and wait until they can locate the pregnancy then do surgery but risk internal bleeding and losing my only fallopian tube which could take weeks or do I do the medication which lowers my chance of a rupture but also isn't guaranteed and means losing the pregnancy and no longer nursing Mason. 

*I can't do this*

We went back with the doctor and she walked in and said we could wait and do another ultrasound but I needed to understand the risk and I knew I couldn't risk my life and leaving Dillon and Mason without a mother. So as much as I didn't want to take the medication I knew it was the best option for the boys no matter how hard it would be. I asked her how we proceeded with methotrexate, how quickly it could be done, and how many days we had to not nurse after the medication. She looked into breastfeeding and at the dose it would only be 4 days, ok not going to be easy but much better than the 30 days I was told with the ectopic when they didn't check into dosage 🤦‍♀️. She said since it's a chemotherapy medication I needed to go to a heart and lung surgery center but it could be scheduled in the next few days. We started all the paper work and I sat there praying I was making the right decision, praying the hcg was dropping, and praying it wasn't ectopic. 

As we were almost done my labs came in they had dropped, significantly! from 745 to 344! She said at that point we didn't need the medication and just had to continue to monitor as long as it continued to drop significantly I should be fine but I needed to be aware of any changes as there was still a chance it was ectopic and could rupture. I was so relieved I started crying, again, and thanking God that he was answering my prayers and not making me make that decision.

*I never thought I would be excited for my hcg to drop but at this point the pregnancy had ended my body just needed to realize that*

This miscarriage was harder for me than the ectopic, I had so much hope this time because everything looked promising in the beginning where my ectopic i didn't even know I was pregnant until I had already been bleeding for over a week, I knew there was barely any chance for the July pregnancy to be viable but this one I knew could be viable. Plus, Dean and I agreed with any pregnancy after our ectopic in July we would tell the boys because we wanted to celebrate our babies even if only for a short time, but this also meant telling Dillon the baby wouldn't be coming home with us.

When we found out it wasn't viable I didn't automatically lose the pregnancy I have had to wait and watch my numbers decrease slowly, watch for any signs of a rupture, and still have some pregnancy symptoms while waiting for my body to realize I was no longer pregnant. where with the ectopic the moment they found it they rushed me into surgery and even though I had to recover from surgery the pregnancy was over and I didn't have to continue to wait I didn't have to watch my numbers or worry about rupture it was over I could focus on healing. 

I also didn't realize how much the ectopic affected me until I was pregnant. I found myself holding back on things I would have done without a second thought during the boys pregnancies. For example, I didn't write my doctors appointment on the calendar because I knew if I lost the pregnancy it would be too hard to look at so i wrote them all on a paper that was easy to throw away. I also didn't want to take the weekly bump pictures because seeing those would be a reminder of what I lost. And my ultrasound, going into the same room I had gone into multiple times with the ectopic pregnancy staring at the ceiling when they couldn't give me an update of what they did or didn't find, waiting to find out if it was or wasn't in the uterus it killed me. 

This miscarriage was hard, it still is hard. I'm taking it one day at a time and Thanking God for my two healthy little boys keeping me busy. 

I keep catching myself wondering If i would have pushed harder for that medication would i still be pregnant would that baby be joining us in July completing our family but I know I cant do that, I cant do the what ifs, I need to breathe, I need to move forward. 

Dean and I definitely want to keep trying to have one more baby, we both feel like we are meant to have one more, but I don't know when that will be. We have to wait a few months to let my body heal and then I mentally need to prepare to be pregnant again. I also know I will push harder to have my progesterone checked and to be on that medication. 

Pregnancy after loss is hard and I know next time it will be harder but I know God is stronger than any of these hardships and will get us through anything we are faced with. 

telling Dillon

When we found out we were pregnant Dean and I debated telling Dillon but agreed we wanted to celebrate the pregnancy and stay positive because in all honesty before our ectopic pregnancy in July we would not have thought twice about telling the boys. The pregnancy looked great so we told Dillon knowing there was a chance something could go wrong.

When our numbers started rising slower than normal I started to worry and my biggest fear was having to explain to Dillon. He was so excited for the new baby it seriously was heart breaking thinking of having to tell him. 

When I started bleeding I knew things really were not looking good. Dillon asked why I was going to the doctor so I decided to take the opportunity to prepare him. I explained to him that the baby was sick and sometimes we don't get to bring babies home because God needs them more than us and they get to go to heaven to be with God. He was sad and we talked for a little bit about it but I explained we still didn't know at that point and I would let him know how the baby was. 

The day we found out we were miscarrying I knew I had to tell Dillon. I explained to him this baby was special and God needed it more than we did right now so it went to heaven. He started crying and saying that he loved her and wanted to meet her (which shocked me because up until than he was saying he wanted another brother). I gave him a hug and told him I wish we could have meant the baby too but the baby was sick and had to go to heaven but now it is no longer sick and is able to be at peace with God. I told him hopefully soon we would get to bring home a baby but for now I was so happy God gave me him and Mason. He smiled at me and said sorry the baby got sick mommy and gave me a big hug.

He took it much better than I ever expected. He even has told a couple people mommy was pregnant but the baby got sick and went to heaven with God. I hate that he had to feel this pain but also feel like it was a good way to explain it to him and for him to understand why mommy was sad and at the doctor so much. 

rainbow baby

Dean and I found out on veterans day we were expecting what was supposed to be our rainbow baby. 

My doctors immediately started closely following the pregnancy to be sure we weren't experiencing another ectopic. The first set of hormone levels looked great but then slowly we started realizing something wasn't right. My levels continued to rise but went from a 101% rise to a 65% rise in 72 hours then 50% rise then 35% and yesterday a rise of only 20% in 72 hours. A normal pregnancy should have a minimum of a 50% rise every 48 hours so we knew something was not quite right. I had an ultrasound last week and they couldn't find anything in my tubes or uterus but said maybe it's just too early. 

On thursday I started spotting and by friday the bleeding was pretty heavy, my doctors decided to run a progesterone test as a last ditch effort (I don't understand why this wasn't checked sooner and question if the pregnancy would have made it if we had caught it immediately) Progesterone in pregnancy should be between 11 and 90 mine was 1.79. They immediately started me on progesterone and scheduled me for a ultrasound today. 

This morning we went in and unfortunately the ultrasound still showed nothing and my doctor was concerned it was another ectopic pregnancy. She had me go do one more blood draw to see if my numbers were still rising which would point to a ectopic or if they were beginning to fall and my body was naturally losing the pregnancy. We went back for an appointment to schedule the treatment to remove the ectopic and I prayed so hard.

The treatment meant no nursing Mason for 3 days which I am working on weaning him anyways but between dean being gone 7 days a week right now and my family all working extra hours with the holidays the thought of not only having to go through the treatment and all of it's hard side effects but also having to cold turkey cut Mason off and deal with him begging and crying for a minimum of 3 days was overwhelming especially knowing it would be long days but even harder nights.

The treatment for miscarriage or early ectopic is a chemotherapy medication that includes bleeding and severe cramping along with other side effects so it was not something I was taking lightly and it has to be scheduled at a heart surgery center to make sure your body reacts well to it. It also isn't guaranteed to work so your tube can still rupture or you can need multiple doses and still end up having surgery. With my last ectopic by the time they found it, it had already ruptured and I was bleeding internally so surgery was the only option and that recovery was worse than my csections.

We were finishing up the paperwork to schedule treatment when my blood test came back and my numbers had dropped 60% and my body was naturally miscarrying the pregnancy so we do not have to proceed with treatment at this time but I will continue to be tested every 48 hrs to make sure the levels continue to drop and incase it is ectopic that it still does not rupture. 

We were so excited to welcome our rainbow baby and even took a fun picture with Santa to hopefully be able to announce the pregnancy but as hard as losing this pregnancy is I am thanking God that I don't need treatment at this time and that I didn't lose my only fallopian tube remaining which gives us the option to still try for another baby in the future.

We have no way of knowing if this pregnancy was ectopic or a miscarriage since it was never found on the scan but we do know that my progesterone was too low so it did not support the pregnancy which most likely caused the baby not to make it. 

I don't understand why doctors do not automatically test progesterone when testing HCG but I will be requesting it if God blesses us with the chance to carry another baby in the future and I highly encourage any women who may be going through a similar situation to ask if you can have your progesterone tested so you can hopefully start hormone supplements before it is too late. 

It has been an emotional week and I'm sure it will continue to be hard in the weeks to come but we know God has a plan for our family far greater than we can understand and even though we won't ever get to meet this baby it was so loved from the moment we found out we were pregnant. 💗

1 week

It has been 1 week since everything happened. I remember wanting answers the entire process but then when we got them it all happened so quickly and I felt like I couldn't catch by breath let alone process what was happening.
Surgery wise I am healing, today is day 2 on my own with the boys and back to our routine. The first couple days were rough and the pain of climbing stairs or trying to move would literally take my breath away and I would get nauseous. The swelling is intense and my left side is still quite tender but it is improving and honestly when I think what all my body has gone through it's pretty amazing how quickly our bodies can heal. After 4 days I was able to move better and start to get back to some what normal but also began to process.
Emotionally healing has been different. When we were going through the process I didnt know how to feel. I was sad at the thought of losing the baby but didnt have answers and barely had time to even realize I was pregnant. It wasnt until I was laying on the operating table that I really realized I had lost a baby. By that point the baby had already passed but the thought of being pregnant was still so new that losing the baby was hard to comprehend. It wasnt until day 2 of healing that it really really hit me. Then on top of losing a baby your body goes on a hormonal roller coaster as it gets rid of the hcg. I didnt realize how hormonal I would be since it was still so early on. The weirdest things will remind me or hit me and it will take everything to hold it together. But I know it will just take time to heal and am constantly reminding myself this is all part of God's plan.
I want to say thank you to everyone who can called, sent text messages, commented on facebook and stopped by. I cannot explain how much it means to me and how each of you have helped make this a little chapter in Dean and my life a little easier.

Just keep Smiling

Something I do when I'm in pain or uncomfortable or trying not to cry is I smile. I act as if nothing is wrong and smile pushing forward trying to not completely fall apart. This throws a lot of people off because when they believe I should be sad or crying I'm sitting there smiling but what people don't understand is I am using every ounce of my strength to keep that smile and not fall apart. Through this I don't think many doctors and nurses could understand why i wasn't crying but i hate crying or being in pain in front of people. So until the very last second until I cannot hold it together any longer I will smile. I broke down a couple times in the ER and when I was on the operating table but for the most part just pushed through it all. Don't get me wrong I have cried with my family it just isn't me to cry in front of friends or strangers.  Yes I may seem completely fine, still smiling, and like nothing is wrong but at times it is taking every bit of me to push forward and keep smiling.
Day 3 post surgery I woke up to a facebook memory of us announcing we were pregnant with Dillon and it hit me, we should be doing the same for baby #3, actually we should have announced it a week prior because baby #3 would have been due one week before Dillons Birthday and that was hard, actually that whole day was pretty hard.
Then at Masons doctors appointment  his doctor was talking about how every child is unique and special and truly a gift from God, not knowing what I had just gone through, and it took all of me to smile and push through.
My hormones are still regulating so I find myself crying more than usual but I know it is ok and normal. I dont mind talking about everything sometimes it actually helps me to process and understand what still seems like a blur. Don't be afraid to talk about the baby or to ask questions even if I'm smiling and you can't tell if I'm trying not to cry I will be ok I am strong and God will get me through this.

The boys

Throughout everything I have always wanted one thing. I wanted the boys to be ok and have as much normalcy as possible. I wanted to keep as much of the stress and emotions away from them and make sure their days still go forward like nothing is going on.
One day I will tell them, one day i will explain, but not today not right now they are still to little. We do discuss death with Dillon and he grasps some of it but just not everything. We explain we go home to heaven to be with God but he still doesnt quite understand we dont come back. Lately he has been asking for a brother or sister, in fact two weeks before everything started he was sitting on the couch and out of no where announced, mommy's pregnant. I asked where he heard that and told him we dont just say that because it isnt true, little did we know. So I dont want to get him excited for a sibling since he doesnt quite understand they won't be here on earth with us.
The boys have been great, Mason has been being a little more independent which is helpful but still a mommas boy and Dillon has been a huge help getting things for me or holding my hand when I walk.
When the drs first didnt know what was going on they said if it was a miscarriage I could take a medication to clear it out but would need to stop breastfeeding for 28 days, I told Dean I would not take it because I was already losing a baby I wasnt going to lose my breastfeeding journey with Mason as well. There was no way I was going to cut Mason off cold Turkey and have him crying and wanting to nurse while i was going through a miscarriage, I would not lose everything at once.
In the end it didnt matter where it was and with the internal bleeding my only option was laparoscopic surgery and removing a fallopian tube.
I knew the surgery meant I would have to rest for a few days and the boys are not used to that so I needed ways to distract them and keep them having fun and help Dean find a little sanity in the chaos. To get us through the few days mommy was stuck on the couch I got fun projects for the boys and daddy to do. Yesterday they made homemade bouncy balls and today stepping stones both were a huge hit and the boys had so much fun. Dean also took them swimming and played with them as much as possible to keep them from climbing all over me. With Dean normally working 6 days a week and most of the days all day it was a fun adjustment for all of them and they all really bonded these past few days. My parents and sister have also been a huge help holding Mason and playing with the boys as much as they can when they aren't working.
I know I cant shelter them from everything and I know they still felt a bit of the stress and weirdness these past few days but I cant thank Dean, my parents, and my sister enough for making sure the boys were taken care of and had fun even when everything was so hectic and upside down

My feelings throughout this process

When everything first started before we even knew we were pregnant, I told Dean how mean of a trick it would be that my body finally, finally did what it was supposed to do and got pregnant with out medication, without testing, without months of heartbreak after yet another negative pregnancy test, just to miscarry the baby.
When I decided to take a pregnancy test I was so sure I wasnt pregnant I took it after Dean went to work knowing I would see a Negative but just taking it to prove to myself I was only having a period (I know this sounds ridiculous but with infertility I did this quite often because my cycles were irregular and I would start to get my Hope's up and would have to take a test to prove to myself I wasnt pregnant) but this time was shocked to see it was positive
Then when we found out we were pregnant the doctor asked if this was a desired pregnancy and I said we weren't trying to get pregnant but it is so nice to be surprised and just get pregnant without all the struggle of infertility and we were obviously ecstatic to welcome another little miracle into our family.
Throughout all of the testing I would start to get my hopes up that maybe the pregnancy would be viable and would have to remind myself everything against me to ground myself. Everytime I felt nauseous, everytime my hcg went up, and everytime the doctors wouldn't find anything I would become hopeful that my baby was ok and just a few weeks behind. But would remind myself that it wasnt just the ultrasound, the hcg was to low, the amount of bleeding wasnt normal, and the clotting wasnt normal. I felt like I was constantly tearing myself down but I was so afraid to get even more hopeful and then be told my baby didnt make it.
At every appt they asked how many pregnancies, and how many live births and I hated that question I dont know why it bothered me so much maybe because I feel like to so many it's a reminder of the little ones they lost. Even though I didnt know the end of this chapter I would respond 3 and so far 2 because I was hopeful it would say 3 and 3 one day.
But after 9 days hope had built up, life with three kids was imagined, and pregnancy tracking apps were downloaded. Even though I knew I shouldn't there is no way to not get your hopes up.
When they finally diagnosed it an ectopic pregnancy I felt betrayed, betrayed my body could play such a sick joke on me. Betrayed because the one time i dont get broken down by infertility I instead lose my baby. Betrayed by myself for getting my hopes up only to have them crushed and make this loss that much harder.
But I remembered how truly blessed I am, blessed my body carried two pregnancies to term and gave me my two beautiful healthy boys, blessed to have been able to get pregnant again because after Dean's cancer and treatment there was a chance it would be even harder to conceive, blessed to have family and friends to pray for me and support me. Blessed. And even in the darkest hardest time I never blamed God or got angry with my faith instead I prayed for strength, guidance, and thanked God for allowing me to be a mommy to now three little ones. Even though this was hard even though I hate how my body never cooperates and causes me so much pain I know God has a plan and there will be a rainbow at the end of every storm and next time they ask how many pregnancies I have had even though it will be hard I will smile and say three knowing that our little one even though never in our hands will always be in our hearts.

After talking to my obgyn

My obgyn called today to check in after surgery. I asked her the odds of this happening again if we were to decide to try for another baby. She said my odds are slightly raised but she feels I can have a healthy pregnancy and the odds of this happening again are so low. This made me feel a little better but I am honestly still scared to death with the thought of going through this again.
She then said she really thinks this was just all a really bad accident and wasnt caused by scare tissue or anything blocking the egg like most other ectopic pregnancies. She said I had very minimal scare tissue nothing that should have blocked the pregnancy from moving and the scare tissue I did have they cleaned out. This scared me more. I would have rather heard there was a lot of scare tissue on that fallopian tube but my other one looks great so I dont need to worry but since my body just decided to implant the egg outside the uterus for no reason really worries me it may happen again.
I know It probably lessons my odds more but on the other hand if my body did it once why wouldn't it do it again.
She also surprised me and said we only need to wait two weeks before trying to have a baby. We were not trying when we got pregnant and are no where near ready to try again. I was expecting to hear 3-6 months not two weeks. Not only do I think my body needs more time to heal but emotionally I need more time to heal and decide if we really want another little one and risk going through this again.
Still trusting God and leaning on him to guide me and either give me peace to try again or peace to know our family is complete.

Where do I begin.

Through the entire process Dean and I stayed pretty quiet partially hoping it would all work out and we would be able to announce we were expanding our family. Even though we weren't trying for a third we would have loved to welcome another baby into this world. But that isnt what God had planned for us right now and even though we will never understand why it was so easy to conceive this little baby and then have to lose the pregnancy we are trusting he has a plan bigger than we can comprehend.
There were many reasons Dean and I didnt think we were expecting. I was still breastfeeding, I just started having my monthly cycle, we weren't trying, I had not missed a cycle since starting them in May, and we usually struggle with infertility. All of this made this whole situation that much more confusing.
July 2nd I started having what I thought was my 3rd monthly cycle since having Mason but I was thrown off because it was 2 weeks early. For the next couple days I had a feeling something wasnt right because it was a lot heavier than normal and I was exhausted.
July 6th I started having really bad clotting which is not normal for me but again since this is only my third cycle since having Mason thought maybe it was just my body still regulating but I told Dean I was a little concerned because this just wasnt normal. We agreed if it hadn't stopped by Tuesday we would take a pregnancy test just to be safe because it seemed as if I was having a miscarriage even though I had not missed a cycle.
Tuesday morning july 9th Dean went to work and I decided to take a test just to ease my mind because I was 99% sure I wasnt pregnant, we usually struggle with infertility and it has taken over a year to get pregnant each time we tried to have the boys so there was no way that us being careful and not trying to get pregnant would result in a pregnancy, right? Wrong. The test came back positive I called Dean and told him I thought I was miscarrying and I would call my doctor as soon as they opened. When I called my obgyn she immediately told me to go to urgent care.
Once at urgent care it just all became a waiting game. All the blood work showed I was pregnant but the ultrasound didnt show anything and I should be 6 weeks + 6 days pregnant by the dates. They decided maybe my dates were wrong (I knew they weren't having dealt with infertility I know to track everything). I was told to come back in 48 hrs for another blood test.
Thursday I go in and they said they expected my hcg to be falling to show I was having an early miscarriage but instead it went up by about 50%. They did another ultrasound but still could not see any viable pregnancy or any ectopic pregnancy in the fallopian tubes. They told me to follow up with my ob and hopefully by the next week my hcg would be high enough to see on an ultrasound. (Sometimes you cannot see a pregnancy until your hcg level is at 2500 I was at 900).
My obgyn had me do more bloodwork Sunday and then scheduled me to come in on Tuesday. Sunday my HCG levels once again went up about 50% so we were feeling hopeful for answers on Tuesday.
Tuesday july 16th I went in to my obgyn and she said she thought it could be a possible ectopic pregnancy with the amount of bleeding I was still having but there was still a 50% chance it would be a viable pregnancy and I was just too early to see anything. I didnt really consider ectopic pregnancy because I have never had issues with pregnancy once I was pregnant and didnt have any issues with my fallopian tubes when they did all the infertility testing. But what I found out was csections and abdominal surgeries increase your chances of ectopic pregancy. I have had two csection plus a laparoscopic surgery on my ovaries 5 years ago to remove ovarian cysts. Still at this point I was convinced it was just a miscarriage or maybe just maybe there was a chance somehow the dates were off and I was just too early to see anything. She sent me for more bloodwork and told me to keep my phone on me she would call as soon as she received it. 1 hour after the blood test she called and said the numbers only went up 35% if that happens 3 times then they consider it a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy because it is not rising sufficiently so she told me to do more bloodwork thursday and then again sunday and go in for a follow up ultrasound Sunday but if I had any cramping, dizziness, or nausea go straight to urgent care.
Thursday I went for my bloodwork expecting another 35% or less rise only to have it go up over 50%. My doctor called and said she was really confused this isnt normal but there was still a good chance for a viable pregnancy to go in for the ultrasound on Sunday or if I started having any symptoms go straight in.
Around 8pm thursday night I was feeling extremely weak, nauseous and started cramping and just knew something wasnt right so we headed to urgent care. They did an ultrasound and still could not find anything but said the obgyn on call wanted me transported to the ER for further evaluation because at this point it was considered an ectopic pregnancy they just needed to locate the pregnancy since my hcg was at 2703.
I was transported by ambulance to the ER where they ran more blood work had me evaluated by the obgyn team and then ordered another ultrasound. I was frustrated because there were so many questions and yet nothing being found and you could tell they were frustrated as well because they knew something wasnt right but couldn't just go in blind trying to find it in surgery. The ultrasound showed blood in my abdomin and a lot of swelling on my left fallopian tube and ovary so they had me do more images and finally found the ectopic pregnancy in my ovary. The doctor said ovarian ectopic pregnancy are extremely rare (about 1 in 60,000) and with the amount of swelling it was hard to find it but they knew with the internal bleeding it was definitely ectopic and they needed to find it. I was given a bed in the trauma center and told it may be a few hours until surgery. Before I could even get into the hospital gown the OR called down and told my nurse they were sending someone to bring me up. Within 30 mins I was on the operating table.
I remember repeating it's all happening so quickly on the way to preop. We had gone 9 days of waiting and no answers to then 12 hrs in urgent care looking like we were still not going to get answers to suddenly having answers and being taken into the OR in less than 2 hours. There was no time to process or think about what was happening it just needed to be done because the internal bleeding needed to be stopped and they wanted the ectopic pregnancy out before it ruptured.
As hard as it was to play the waiting game and then have it all a race at the end I'm glad it went quickly towards the end because there wasnt much time to get nervous or to really dwell on everything that was happening. And I'm glad my doctors really took the time to figure out what was going on and didnt just schedule me for a d&c or give me the medication for miscarriage when they couldn't find it on the ultrasound but thought I was miscarrying.
God has a plan for our family and I know there is a rainbow at the end of this storm so for now I will trust in him and snuggle my two little boys as much as I can.

Finally answers and closure but also pain

We were surprised to find out we were expecting last Tuesday but the excitement wasn't there because we knew something was wrong. We went to urgent care and have been coming out to Loma linda every other day. Thursday night we went to urgent care for complications and they transferred me by ambulance to the ER. After all night of tests and various doctors we finally got answers. I know I'm skipping alot but I'm still processing and extremely overwhelmed and on no sleep.
Also love this hospital they have been amazing and my ER doctor and nurses just came and prayed with me before I go to surgery.
As they wheeled me in the OR it suddenly hit me. The OR looked identical to the one I had mooses csection is. The nurse didnt let me be put under immediately and said the dr was running to talk to me first. Sure enough she literally came running in. I completely fell apart and thanked her as I cried and she started crying as well. She reassured me there was nothing I could have done to avoid this and that just seeing how happy the boys are how she can see how much of a loving and good mother I was and how this baby is so lucky to have had me as a mommy to. The entire surgical room stopped and prayed around me which was extremely calming. I thanked her and thanked her she was incredibly cautious and kept doing more and more testing and without her I may not have found it. She held my hand and talked to me until the last second I was under being sure I wasnt laying alone in the cold sterile hospital room.
The hospital was also a huge blessing and everyone went out of there way to bend protocol to allow me to breastfeed Mason and have him by my side when I/he needed him/he needed me. I was determined to not lose this breastfeeding journey and lose a baby at the same time and they were all parents and completely understood. Even allowing me to breastfeed as being rolled into the pre anesthesia room to get prepped.
It's hard to grieve a baby you didnt know about until you were losing it but after 2 weeks of "hope" and back and forth that it may be viable it's also impossible to not fall in love and start imagining life with another little one. It also normally takes over a year of trying and various infertility medications to even conceive for us so it was so nice for once to not have all of the struggle and heart break to get pregnant but was 100x harder to lose a baby you already had Hope's and dreams for even if it was a surprise.
Sorry this is long, just venting as I struggle through the pain and recovery. They had to remove one of my fallopian tubes and found bleeding in my abdomen from the ectopic pregnancy that was pooling. But they saved my other fallopian tube and both ovaries which is a huge blessing. I dont know what the future holds for Dean and I and honestly we have both discussed being thankful for the beautiful boys we have and not trying for more kids and risking this again but at least the Drs gave me that option. I will post more of how we knew we were miscarrying later on. Right now I am in quite a bit of pain even though it was done laparoscopically the dr had to stretch the right incision to remove the tube and warned there would most likely be bruising and more pain which boy was she right. I'm excited to snuggle my babies a little tighter now and get back to being able to enjoy our lives and not be on stand by hoping/waiting but at the same time jumping at every twinge afraid it may be ectopic and rupturing and definitely over be stuck at home (the boys definitely have cabin fever).
Huge huge thank you to my family who always always have my back and have been there and continue to be ther every step of the way and who allowed me to be grumpy and snap at them on and off these past few days even though they didnt deserve any of it. And especially to Dean who while also experiencing a loss has been my rock and so strong through everything.
Also cannot say enough about my DRs and Hospital. Loma linda went above and beyond. This was truly a mystery and every dr I meant supported me and cried with me and was there for me with hugs and making sure I knew exactly what they knew and what they were doing even if they didnt even quite know. The location the pregnancy implanted was not only extremely rare but also hidden so my body did not make this easy on them. My daily OB even made a point to stop by in the OR during surgery even though it technically was the OR drs case just to be sure I was ok. My obs, ER teams, and chief residents on staff came to radiology while I was testing to review every image with the radiologist and have every eye on the exam to hopefully finally have answers something the tech has never seen. And the first ER doctor found me 12 hours after check in to follow up, cry with me, and pray with me as well. The level of care was above anything I could have ever asked for and God truly guided each one of the individuals I encountered and put them exactly where they needed to be when they needed to be there.
And finally thank you to everyone for checking up on, calling/texting, offering to help, praying, and honestly being more like family in a time when I was so lost and heartbroken.

1 year ago, Friday the 13th

1 year ago today, Friday the 13th! We were supposed to get the keys to our house so we schedule spectrum to come install everything at 6pm and packed three cars full of furniture and cleaning supplies and mattresses and waited for the call that we were good to go. Then we got an unexpected call, making sire Friday the 13th lived up to its reputation, and were told we would not be getting keys until Monday because they had messed up some paperwork. Disappointed, I called the sellers agent and they approved me still meeting the spectrum guy and getting everything set up with them at least. I started the drive with a four month old baby who HATED (still does) his car seat and a Tahoe packed full. We made it to the Ontario mills before I could no longer take the crying and had to pull over. I called my dad in tears telling him I was canceling spectrum, Mason wasnt having it, we would try again on Monday (dean was at work) just to have him say we just got the call that they fixed the paperwork and we got the KEYS! I went from crying from frustration to crying from excitement! I fed Mason and got him to take a nap, then continued our drive up the  mountain. As we reached the top of the town spectrum called and had to reschedule for Monday because they didn't realize they would need to run all new wires. They ran the wires while we cleaned but then left to come back on Monday to set everything up. We did all the cleaning and unloaded the cars, and got dinner from the same restaurant we ate at when Dean and I got engaged. The boys fell asleep during all the craziness so we packed them in the car and headed back to Chino for the night.

 Saturday and Sunday we rented a moving truck and did at least 4 trips back and forth going from 90 degree weather to 60 degree weather. Saturday we spent our first night in the house and I was so nervous how the boys would adjust this was Masons first time sleeping anywhere but the Chino house and Dillons first time in his own room any where other than Chino, but they surprised me and adjusted perfectly! In that one weekend we completely moved in and decorated. It was just 6 adults (Dean, Ann, Alan, Sarah, Ryan, and myself) a four month old and a three year old. Going up and down the stairs, driving up and down the hill, packing the moving truck, unpacking the moving truck, setting up each room, unpacking all the boxes, and cleaning! It was insane but we did it and it is a weekend I will NEVER forget. 

The house has changed soo much since we moved in and is definitely now our home. It is definitely a change of pace and I love the small town community, you definitely experience EVERY season up here (and lucky us had our first winter and the worst one they have had in a decade 🤦‍♀️ hello snow chains and shoveling feet of snow every morning after you just cleared it the day before 🤷‍♀️ definitely was a good workout), and see so much wild life every day! The boys love our adventures even if it is just walking around our street looking at all the trees and animals. Its funny how it seems as if we moved in just last weekend but at the same time I feel like we have owned this house for years! 

We have experienced so much this past year and I am excited to get even more involved in our community in the years to come and see how much continues to change as the years go by.

Allergies

it’s been a rough couple of months with Dillon. He has been having massive tantrums and started waking up to night terrors multiple times a night. It has been so challenging and I had no idea what was setting it all off. I started thinking about when they started and realized it was around the same time he started taking Zyrtec daily. We decided to try to wean him off of it and see what happened. Today is day 5 without it and I cannot believe the change. He hasn’t woken up the last 4 nights and he is already much more patient, relaxed, and loving. He’s still three and tests limits and has mild meltdowns but NOTHING compared to what was going on. It got to the point that I was afraid to go anywhere alone not knowing what was going to set him off and I was concerned about what was going on but to see this sweet boy back makes my momma heart happy and seriously there are moments when he has asked to snuggle or to hold mason that bring tears to my eyes because a week ago neither would have happened

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year

It’s hard to believe this was a year ago.

A year ago I seriously didn’t know how I was going to make it through each day and everyday seemed to drag on. I would wake up before Dillon, get a huge thing of water and snacks to make sure I stayed hydrated, get ready, drive to the hospital and sit with Dean waiting to see each doctor and get updates, then would drive home to play with Dillon for a few hours before he had to go to bed. I seriously couldn’t have done it without my parents and family constantly being there and taking over with Dillon and bring Dillon to visit when he was allowed too

but it was so exhausting physically being 9 months pregnant and driving back and forth and emotionally being torn between being with Dillon at home and being with Dean at the hospital. I seriously felt like it wasn’t going to end. Dean was exactly 30 days  post op when he woke me up because he was throwing up blood and we rushed to the ER.

The ER didn’t waste time and immediately got him a bed and through I don’t even know how many tests. It was the longest 3 days and I remember the panic and heart break like it happened yesterday. Just when I was feeling “safe” after his cancer diagnosis this happened and I once again was faced with the thought of losing my husband, not knowing how I would tell the boys, and the fear of raising the boys without Dean. Thankfully the bleeding stopped and they were able to send us home to all be together. I remember being relieved to be home and yet so scared. Every time he coughed I held my breath worried he would start bleeding again and at night I set alarms to make sure he was ok throughout the night. It was nice to have him home but we were also preparing for him to go into quarantine in just 3 short weeks. From October 13th to December 11th of 2017 I pretty much held my breath unsure of what would happen next just trying to keep life as normal as possible for Dillon and not let him feel our stress or worry. It was the longest three months of my life and I hope to NEVER repeat it. It seems like it was just yesterday and I still don’t know how we went through everything and know we never could have done it without my amazing family!
Then on December 12th we went to what wound up being my last dr appt as we were sent directly to the hospital to have a csection because of preeclampsia. It was one of the best days of my life and felt like it was Gods way of saying you made it, it’s all over, you are safe and now can enjoy this beautiful new life. Mason  was the rainbow after that terrible storm and I was so happy Dean was able to be there for his birth and that we were all healthy and together as a family of four to celebrate.

2018 has been a much better year full of family and making memories because 2017 made me realize how precious time is and how you never know what can happen in the blink of an eye. I will never forget last year but have chosen to use it as a blessing and eye opener to see what is truly important and remember to enjoy every minute, even the rough days. 

1 year

Dean had his one year scans and the results were pretty good but not exactly what we were hoping for. On his first follow up scans there was one enlarged lymph node that they weren’t sure if it was enlarged due to treatment or possibly cancerous so they decided to watch it. This scan the lymph node has grown not significantly but bigger. It’s still not definite that it’s cancer but they are a bit more concerned. Since it’s shape and size are still within “standards” they want to wait for the next set of scans before repeating treatment.
The positive is it doesn’t mean it is cancer and if it is it’s not that the cancer has returned it’s just that they didn’t get it all the first time which they explained could happen. But it still wasn’t the all clear we were hoping for and the idea of treatment again isn’t really something we wanted to hear. It also means we can’t begin the 10 year countdown. Once he has 10 years of clean scans it means his risk of getting cancer is the same as anyone else’s. It has taken me a little while to post this because I wanted to really digest it and be ok with it before posting. In all honesty waiting a couple months for more scans scares me because what could happen in that time but it hasn’t been fast growing to this point and I need to trust his doctors and also put this in God’s hands knowing he has a plan. Treatment is something else I’m just not ready for and not looking forward to in any way so I’m continuing to pray he won’t need it but I realize we have survived it once so we will get through it again, the quarantine just isn’t fun and I know it will be hard on the boys.
So overall good news we were just hoping to start marking off the years and hearing it was all clear. God has a plan and is there for us through everything we just need to trust in him and put this in his hands.

Slowing down

Some days are rough Mason will be extra fussy and won’t sleep or Dillon will figure out how to push every single one of my buttons and acts like he is trying to get in trouble and some days they both act up all day. But then there are the days when everything just flows and works.  Today we made a tissue paper turkey craft, banana muffins(Dillon made them almost completely on his own I just measured the ingredients and took them in and out of the oven) and now we are enjoying lunch. 

I asked Dillon if he liked his lunch and he said yea it’s really good thank you momma 

It seriously just made my day! He is so sweet and caring but sometimes life gets hectic and well he is 3 and still testing limits but I’m trying to slow down let him help even if it means a mess and enjoy our days and moments! 

Thanking God

Update on Dean:
These past few weeks Dean has had some weird symptoms of thyroid issues so we reached out to his Doctor who agreed something wasn't right and ordered tests.
Thursday afternoon we got the results of the first tests and to be honest they scared me. His TSH level was extremely elevated (should be below 3 and was 34). This meant one of two things: 1) his medication dosage just isnt high enough 2) his cancer came back. We again reached out to his doctor, hoping for so reassurance that it was just medication, and asked if this was a reason to be concerned the cancer was in fact back. Friday morning he responded that he had already ran further tests to see if in fact the cancer was back but to up his medicine dose in the mean time and we should have results in the next few weeks. This was not the answer i was hoping for but we took a deep breath, prayed, and knew God would get us through whatever it was.
This evening we heard from his doctor, his thyroidglobulin levels are down from 27 when he had cancer to 1 point something!! So his doctor believes it is just that his medication dose was too low. THANK GOD
He will take the higher dose for 6 weeks and then retest, if all is good then he will retest in April and do a ultrasound just to be sure there is nothing suspicious.
He is still waiting to schedule his follow up brochoscopy and hopefully that will all be good results as well.
Its still weird to me to think Dean had cancer and its moments like these that are reminders. I think why it doesnt seem real is because we had so much going on and had no choice but to face it and move forward. We also went into the surgery thinking it wasnt cancer than were shocked to find out it was but the main treatment (surgery) was over so we didnt have time to sit and worry about options or stages or if it had spread, that part was over and he just had to heal. So it really all seems surreal and like he just had surgery, its when we have to do follow up checks and testing that we both really realize he had cancer.
We are so thankful it was caught and treated and that so far it looks like the treatment worked. We are still praying it us just a doage issue but are choosing to not worry and trust in God's plan.

Different yet alike

I can't believe how different and yet how alike both my boys are. The older Mason gets the more they look alike but their personalities are completely different and how they were/are as babies is completely different.

Dillon formula fed

Mason breastfed

Dillon constantly spit up

Mason rarely spits up

Dillon always had fists and arched his back

Mason is very relaxed (except for a few hours of fussing)

Dillon hated his carseat

Mason doesnt mind it (except at night)

Dillon slept in his crib from night one

Mason refuses the crib

Dillon could be comforted by various people
Mason wants momma
Dillon refused pacifiers
Mason loves his wubbanub
Dillon hated to be swaddled or wrapped up
Mason loves being wrapped in a blanket
Dillon had blonde hair
Mason has brown/red hair

They both do love baths and their baths bring them comfort

They both lost the hair on the top of their heads and look/looked like little old men

I always thought Dillon grew so quickly and was always at the top of the growth chart because he was formula fed but now with Mason I realize we just have big kids because Mason is following right in Dillons footsteps with growth even being breastfed

Mom life

Having a newborn isn't easy, having a toddler and a newborn is no joke. Some days I feel like I'm drowning and so overwhelmed and other days (like today) are exactly how I thought having two boys would be. 

Today Mason is 5 weeks old and I'm colmpletely back to being able to do everything with out worrying about my incision. 

We don't get much sleep and the boys I swear are teamed up together to take turns sleeping so I don't get sleep but it's ok because they are worth it and it gives me time with each of them alone while the other is sleeping. 

For the most part Dillon has done amazing if anything he loves his brother too much and doesn't want to keep his hands off of him. He definitely was expecting Mason to be born older and already ready to play but he is enjoying the fact that Mason is already more alert. I love how every morning the first thing Dillon does is ask where "Masey Bear" is and goes over gives him a kiss and in the cutest voice says I love you and when we're driving and Mason is mad about the car seat Dillon tells him it's ok were almost there lol so cute. But don't get me wrong sometimes his jealousy shows and tantrums are a new occurrence with him but he's already getting better and we know this is such a huge change for him as well. The hardest part is explaining to him why momma has to feed him especially with how much Mason eats, if it's been a rough day Dillon insists Mason isn't hungry and eo3snt need to eat lol. Dillons loves taking baths with Mason but his favorite thing to do is grab my nursing pillow and hold Mason on his lap. Dillon is definitely happy momma can pick him up again and we are getting out of the house more which he loves. We are trying to plan special outings with Dillon to make the transition smoother and help us all get some fresh air and have fun. 

Mason is growing like crazy and eating nonstop. He has his fussy hours at night which isn't easy especially nights before Dean works because then I am up all night with Mason and up early with Dillon but some nights he is just awake and not fussy which is so much more fun (obviously). He is starting to coo and play more on his mat or in the bath and his vision is getting stronger so he actually likes to look around and watch the soothers. 

Dean started back to both jobs this week which is definitely a bigger challenge it means 3 12 hr shifts and 2 8-10 hr shifts but he loves his jobs and it allows me to stay home with the boys. 

Some days are hard especially if Dillon had a rough night, some days we don't get out of pajamas and nothing gets done, but other days make up for it with adventures and days full of playing. Some days I'm so tired I feel like I could collapse but other days I get a little more sleep and can actually be productive. I don't know the last time I did my hair and showers are usually short because either Mason is hungry or Dillon wants momma. Meals are eaten with one hand and eaten as fast as i can,  most of my days are spent feeding Mason and playing with Dillon at the same time, and we have had to cancel plans due to a fussy baby (thank you to my family for taking Dillon so he doesn't have to miss out), and take 5 times as long to do anything between stopping to breastfeed and just trying to get out of the house but all of this chaos is worth it because my heart has never been so full. I worried how I would have enough love for both of them but somehow I seem to love them both even more.  I feel so blessed to be their momma and am so excited for the months and years to come. Even though the nights are long and some days are rough I wouldn't change it for the world because I have been so incredibly blessed by these little boys.